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Should I go?

(22 Posts)
tan3517 Mon 05-Nov-12 22:13:06

I've been married to my DH for 19 years. We have one child
Who has just turned 15. If you read my other threads you will see we have been having problems with him for the last 8 months or so.
I am seriously thinking that this relationship has come to the end of the road. We argue all the time about our son. I am trying to bring him up with respect & my DH is basically out for an easy life & can't handle the fact I won't roll over & leave things.
My DH has got a temper if I carry on going on about something & he doesn't want to hear it (bit like my son) he clenches his fists to let out anger at me. I'm aware he does have a temper because I've seen it on various occasions however he has never hurt me.
I am so fed up with having to battle against the two of them DS&DH. My DH constantly disagrees with me in front of my DS whether it's to do with him or not & even though I have asked him not too.
We have both been made redundant & started a new business up so have been under so much stress with that and a teenage son.
I'm just so fed up with fighting them both, tired of feeling low all the time. I have put on so much weight, drink to sleep & am generally very lonely. I have got so much sadness in me at the moment . There are so many issues that we have been through. I would really appreciate your help please xx

Flojo1979 Mon 05-Nov-12 22:19:09

So sorry to hear this...
Hopefully someone more helpful will be along shortly..
Don't feel lonely, u r not alone, we r here ((hugs))

tan3517 Mon 05-Nov-12 22:20:40

Thank you xx

ladyWordy Tue 06-Nov-12 01:23:58

Well...... I don't think much of a man who chooses to intimidate his wife with his anger. We all get angry - tough luck ! There's no excuse to take it out on someone else. That alone is abusive.

So you could argue that if you left, you would be free of his ill-temper and undermining. Your son would have no-one to model his temper on, and no-one to support his poor behaviour. Also, your husband would have sole custody of your son some of the time, so 1) you would get a break sometimes, and 2) since your DH thinks you're doing it all wrong, it would be enlightening to see how he managed. But that's flip, and easy for me to say. Only you can decide whether your marriage is worth saving.

So.....small steps, are my best suggestion. A visit to the GP might be a first step, for some advice on managing your (very understandable) low mood. Think about some counselling sessions if they're on offer there - not couples counselling, though.

Consider a weight loss group and/or exercise class too - only because it would offer time away from the two overbearing men in your house! I know you love them, but you need some time off from being their verbal punchbag.

If there's no money for that, perhaps you can ask a friend to join you for regular healthy walks. Anything to get you out, and away from your house.

For dealing with your son, one point of call might be a book such as 'how to talk so teens will listen, and listen so teens will talk', or Rob Parsons' 'Teenagers!' ...or similar.

The point is to take a few small steps forward to start changing things. That will help you think more clearly, and feel less stuck about what to do. brew

ladyWordy Tue 06-Nov-12 01:34:17

...and a PS. An abusive marriage is never worth saving. I can't tell whether you have such a marriage from one post, but there are signs there.

OpheliaPayneAgain Tue 06-Nov-12 06:22:58

Who gets to keep the stroppy teenager, becaue believe me, you'll be pulling your hair out alone trying to manage a hormonal angry teenage boy in the middle of his GCSEs and be begging for the weekend so you can pack him off to you ex's for some respite.

You've both been under a lot of stress with redundancies. Never a pleasent situation to be in. Children pick up on that frustration and worry.

Would it help if I told you we had the teenager from hell? from 13-17 he was horrendous. Many a time I could have gladly left and left them to it without a backward glance.. I do the disciplinarian, DH does softly softly. However after 4 years the boy is through the otehrside and become quite charming again. We had very different parenting styles. Can't say either of us had the right one. there were things DH would have let go that I would have stamped hard on, and things I over react piacked up on that he would say 'pick your battles'.

But you do have to be broadly singing from the same hymn sheet.

Your child will come back to you and be a decent young man, once those hormones and angst are out of his system. No one said parenting was easy and we all make misakes, but you cant run away when the going gets tough.

Unless of course your marriage is fundamentally broken and you are both focusing on the teenager as a mask for what is really wrong?

Numberlock Tue 06-Nov-12 06:33:36

I wonder where the son has learnt the behaviour from though, Ophelia...

thatsnotmynamereally Tue 06-Nov-12 06:42:14

no advice really but I just wanted to say, take some time out to look after yourself! I know it all seems to be about DS, DH, working etc but don't forget that you matter too and if you take some time out to do something you enjoy you may find it easier to face up to everything that's going on... I have a teenage son (19) and we went through some tough times, they are all trying to figure out who they are...

OpheliaPayneAgain Tue 06-Nov-12 06:44:11

number I can say hand on heart my teenager did not learn from his father - the other two do not exhibit any of the same signs my eldest did. It's been a long road.

Numberlock Tue 06-Nov-12 07:04:51

Sorry Ophelia, I was referring to the OP's son.

tan3517 Tue 06-Nov-12 09:44:20


Thank you for all your comments. Had words again last night with DH as we had an issue with our DS and decided to sit him down and deliver his punishment (long story) DS started to get up and walk away whilst we were speaking to him so I told him to sit down and listen to what we had to say. The whole situation has dragged me down so much he started to moan and groan because I told him something that he didn't want to hear, so I just replied to him with I cant be bothered anymore. Right or wrongly its getting to me that much. My DH then decided to have a go at me in ears reach of my DS so we end up back to square one again.
I know the answer isnt to walk away but I can honestly say I don't know if I can take much more of this bickering between us all.
I feel very low as I said, but I am stronger than that and will try to sort this out. I have woken up this morning with a massive cold sore on my top lip. Never had these before in my life so that tells me that yes thatsnotmynamereally I do need to think about myself.
OpheliaPayneAgain I do relate to a lot of what you are saying and thank you.
Numberlock Yes you are correct he does get it from his dad. My DH is not violent towards me just loses his rag when things get tough, and I have noticed my DS is doing the same thing.
I don't know what the answer is, If I knew things would turn out this way I would of done things differently however I didnt and I have to try and find a way to sort this all out.

Thank you ladies xx

Numberlock Tue 06-Nov-12 10:01:55

Tan - I wouldn't expect your son to take his 'punishment' seriously either when you're punishing him for exactly what you allow his father to get away with.

I know the answer isnt to walk away

I'm afraid that this would be the only answer as far as I'm concerned.

tan3517 Tue 13-Nov-12 09:57:18

Me again - still going through it & it's getting worse. I've been in tears this morning with my DH/DS behaviour last night & now again this morning with DS. Not sure where to start sad I've been away for the night sun doing Xmas shopping with a friend, missed them both, came back DH came home from work all okay & we spoke about what had happened over the last couple days -all great. DS came back from DG at 8pm & I can be pretty certain DH warned DS not to cause any problems. DS had previously texted me saying he had a cross country race to do at school tomoz & basically didn't want to do it. I replied with well bring the letter home & we will discuss it. We discussed it & it ended up in yet another argument sad DS is doing GCSE sport & wants a career in this so we encouraged him to go. This is where it started - really pathetic looking back. DS wanted to wear designer track suit to it (DH mum bought him 3 at £200 each & various other designer clothing, even though I told her not too as I wanted my DS to value money- she ignored my wishes) anyway we bickered about that cause I disagreed over various things. My DH was too interested in watching a programme on tv so he got cross. This got me even more angry & he went into the kitchen growled like a bear & basically I was waiting for a crash where he had lost it - but I didn't! He stormed up stairs blaming everything on me cause I didn't roll over! He went off to work at 5am, haven't spoken since. DS had to get himself up for school yesterday as I was away. I came back & found his hair brush in two. I asked him & he told me he threw it as he was angry. Now if I had of been here I would of apparently aggravated him sad but I wasn't even here!
This morning, DS normally gets a lift basically they forgot to tell him they wouldn't be here to pick him up. The penny dropped 5 mins b4 he was due to be on the coach for this cross country. Screamed at me said "oh great so now I'm gonna miss out on what I wanted to do - he didn't want to do it yesterday!! Demanded the keys to get his bike & slammed the front door! I saw red & told him not to have a go at me as its not my fault.
I get told all the time I over react, I go on & on. I've been stepping back this happens & I still get the blame.
So fed up & really don't know what to do - please help sad

tan3517 Tue 13-Nov-12 10:24:46

I would really appreciate anyone's advice

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 13-Nov-12 11:27:01

Leave your abusive husband, and take a parenting or assertiveness class.

Your DS has learned how to treat you from his father. You are far too used to accepting this treatment, and it's only by doing some deep work on yourself, and gaining a better grasp on your self-esteem and the respect you are entitled to from others, that you will learn how to set boundaries with bullies and stroppy teens.

Leaving your H will also be the first step in regaining your son's respect, as he will see you taking concrete action to end the abusive treatment you are at the receiving end of.

I don't think you're there yet, though. But I hope some day you do realise that you deserve better, and feel strong enough to leave and create a better future for yourself.

tan3517 Tue 13-Nov-12 12:19:07

It's so hard to make that decision As he has never physically touched me, but he says I start all the arguements!
I don't have anywhere to go or no money. Not sure where to startsad

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 13-Nov-12 14:57:09

Call women's aid on 0808 2000 247 - speaking to a friendly listening ear, who can also give you advice if you want it, is a good start.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 13-Nov-12 14:58:18

Of course he says you start all the arguments: that way he can absolve himself of all responsibility, including responsibility to change.

You don't a black eye in order for it to be bad enough to leave.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 13-Nov-12 14:58:28


NotQuintAtAllOhNo Tue 13-Nov-12 15:07:32

"I know the answer isnt to walk away"

Why not?

You have been living with your abusive husband so long without thinking of the effect this has on your child. Well now you know. sad

Not very constructive, but I think your son is a lost cause. He has seen your dh abuse you, he models his behaviour on the male role model in the house.
Now they both treat you like shit. Use you as a verbal punch bag.

I dont think you can do anything but leave, now that your son is old enough to side with his dad against you.


What do you want to do?

At 15 he is probably too old to learn to behave towards you, at least not without realizing that he loves you and misses you and values you.

Not sure the penny will drop with either of them unless you petition for divorce and move.

You can only hope that your son will want to come and live with you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 13-Nov-12 15:53:05

Drink to sleep, that sounds worrying. Have you been to your doctor? Any health worries? Sometimes if there's a health issue it makes all other problems look worse than they are.

19 years together and you have a teenage son, recently started your own business, that's an achievement. But your DH isn't helping at all if he lets you do all the tough parent love bit ie disciplining and only gets involved to find fault with your technique. A few days away to yourself might not be a bad idea but you'd only come back to more of the same. Are all your arguments centring on your son?

Your son is acting out, lots of teenagers do, they're often flailing when they're at their worst. Neither carefree children nor capable adults, if you feel powerless at present I can guarantee your DS does too.

Get an appointment with your doctor before all else, you sound at the end of your tether.

tan3517 Tue 13-Nov-12 16:16:35

I am seriously thinking about it. You are right I am at the end of my tether

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