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Second guessing and confidence

(17 Posts)
iloveweetos Mon 05-Nov-12 13:46:16

Firstly i wasnt sure where to put this, so apologies if off topic.

Bit of background info - I was a single parent for 3 years until i met my current partner. My ex is very difficult and in that time i started and finished a degree.

Before i had my child, i was so confident and sure of myself. But now i second guess myself with EVERYTHING. I have no confidence in a lot of what i do - eg parenting, how i approach things, and deal with things etc.

Has anyone else felt like this, and how do you get confident in yourself and your actions?

Its starting to cause problems with life really, my ex calls me a bad mum and throws as many insults my way as much as he can. (and to my partner) My partner tries to reason with me but i just get upset which gets him frustrated and upset and so on

Seems like my ex and what he does/says turns into bigger problems cos im not strong (?) enough to stand up to it cos i doubt myself.

Is it stupid to feel like this? and if not how do i stop this?

hildebrandisgettinghappier Mon 05-Nov-12 13:58:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iloveweetos Mon 05-Nov-12 14:05:22

Alternate weekends. My partner says the exact same thing. Tells me off (lol) because i expect my ex to be there for my daughter, not just doing the bare minimum, you know?
And re:taking our own advice, we women are so bad at that lol

hildebrandisgettinghappier Mon 05-Nov-12 14:23:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iloveweetos Mon 05-Nov-12 14:34:06

she's 4
we hand over at a train station cos we live quite far but it will be fine on drop offs, nothing is said, unless i do. But texts will be stupidly immature. He feels he does enough, but i don't, not when my daughter comes back looking like a tramp! (comes in the same clothes i handed over with, messy hair, STINKS, and at times hasn't even brushed her teeth!!!!!)
and yesterday, i'm sure i'm not being ridiculous (i almost said nothing)
So i went to pick her up from the station and he was like she needs to go to the toilet (by this i mean she's fidgeting all over the place), have you got any change? (20p!! lol) then wanted to go to a cash point and mess about with it. i just said il take her, but just as i was getting to a toilet...ACCIDENT!
but my issue here is she's 4 years old, should you not just force her to go to the toilet whilst you have a toilet available (the train) rather than rushing it? Maybe i'm being too harsh on him? But at the same time, isn't that what you do as a parent??

iloveweetos Mon 05-Nov-12 14:34:23

sorry rambling!!!

CogitoErgoSparklers Mon 05-Nov-12 14:44:25

"how do you get confident in yourself and your actions?"

Mostly by not asking for advice ... smile I found that the early days of parenting threw up a lot of 'firsts' that it was tempting to canvass opinion before doing something. Trouble is that, if you ask the same question to three people, you get three different answers and end up more rather than less confused. Read a few mags or books on parenting and the problem just multiplies. So took a conscious decision to trust my own judgement more, stop asking around and live with the consequences. Ended up selecting just two 'last resort' people for advice ... an older female friend and the family doctor... and using them them sparingly! Suddenly life was far more relaxing.

The advantage I have is that I've been single since DS was born and have no-one looking over my shoulder saying 'you're doing that all wrong' and deliberately crushing my spirit. In your situation I'd be doing everything possible to distance myself from the ex so that he doesn't have the opportunity to bring you down. Limit communications to one-liners

hildebrandisgettinghappier Mon 05-Nov-12 14:53:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSparklers Mon 05-Nov-12 14:56:24

I'd also question whether your ex is a fit parent to have a 4 year-old overnight if he's neglecting her so badly He sounds a very strong candidate for supervised access only and his accusations of you being a 'bad mother' would be more appropriately directed at him..... Not unheard of for someone to accuse others of faults that are entirely their own.

iloveweetos Mon 05-Nov-12 15:59:14

How do i go about doing this? Part of me hasn't done this because i want him to be a good dad to her, cos thats what she deserves, but it seems to be falling upon deaf ears. So i'm gonna take your advice and limit communication, i'm gonna just say nothing about how disgusting she is when she gets back and just disinfect her as per usual when i get her back lol
I dont want to limit access cos she does enjoy going to his, and has a good time.
I always feel if you have to bad mouth to make yourself look good, you're obviously doing something wrong lol

hildebrandisgettinghappier Mon 05-Nov-12 17:22:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Nov-12 08:27:25

If your child is being neglected by being with this man then go to a solicitor and set things in motion to have his access limited. At the same time, point out when she comes home filthy, tell him it's unacceptable and keep a record of the incident. Small children can be quite happy rolling in mud so I'm sure she does enjoy her time at Dad's.... but your responsibility is that she is well cared for at all times. If it wasn't Dad's house but a nursery that sent her home stinking, wearing dirty clothes and teeth unbrushed, would you keep quiet because she enjoyed it?

It is not 'bad-mouthing' to stand up for your child.

iloveweetos Tue 06-Nov-12 13:30:21

yeah you are all right. Im always so hesitant to set things in motion because im worried my daughter will blame me for limiting access etc you know? but thats me being stupid
with bad mouthing, i meant he is always asking my daughter questions like does your mum hit you, does your step dad hit you, does dad buy you better things than your mum etc
Also, there was an incident with the school yesterday, he and his father called the school to complain that ive registered her with my surname rather than his (which is on her birth certificate - i had PND and generally not in a stable place when registering) ive asked numerous times to add my surname into her name to which hes always replied fuck off. When we have been to court (which has finished), he is always sympathised with and its just annoying. And i know its not the greatest course of action, but i feel she's my daughter, and he's barely there for her, he doesn't deserve it sad

iloveweetos Tue 06-Nov-12 13:39:31

i really should always read my posts back, they were verbally abusive on the phone to the point the office staff had to hang up! not once did he ask how my daughter liked school, how she was doing etc.
how do i deal with this?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Nov-12 13:44:20

Your daughter may or may not blame you for limiting access but she will certainly blame you one day if she looks back at this stage in her life and thinks you put her in harm's way. If he is pumping her for information, that's something else that you have to bring up when arguing to restrict access to supervised visits. BTW... you don't have to ask permission to give your DD an extra name. The birth certificate family name is important for official documents e.g. joining school, but her middle (given) names can be anything you like. I've met many people that have an official name but are known by another.

iloveweetos Tue 06-Nov-12 14:13:09

I never knew that!!! just read up on it on deed poll and will deffo be adding my name!
I have just started keeping a journal type of everything thats happening and will continue to just in case we do go back to court.
MEN! lol
Thankyou so much smile
how old is your little one?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 06-Nov-12 14:44:40

My DS is 12 going on 38 ... confused Seriously, on the name thing, you can give school her 'official name' (birth certificate name) and then you can stipulate the name you'd like her to be known by. My DS has a full fancy name and a shorter version that we all call him. When any communications come from school, or he gets any awards, they always give him his full moniker. We joke that we'd love to meet 'full name' guy because he's a seriously talented bloke. smile

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