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(218 Posts)
flippingstupidnickname Mon 05-Nov-12 10:19:59

I've found an "icognito" window open on my husband's computer showing the website for No Strings Affairs. In the adjacent tab was a new e-mail account opened in his name.
WWYD? And before you tell me to cut off his balls please remember that we're not just talking about some dickhead. We are also talking about my life, my family, home and even my job as I'd probably have to give it up if we separated... I just feeel so sad and don't know what to do for the best.

fluffyraggies Mon 05-Nov-12 10:24:58

Sorry this is happening OP sad

WWID? I'd ask him straight what the bloody hell was going on. I'm not one for snooping or biding my time.

Can you 'save' the info you have found? In case it's gone by the time you can ask him about it (ie no kids around).

ElizabethX Mon 05-Nov-12 10:25:11

I would ask him why there was "an "icognito" window open on my husband's computer showing the website for No Strings Affairs. In the adjacent tab was a new e-mail account opened in his name."

And I would then say "If you are bored enough that you want an affair, why have you not left us? If you want to stay with us why have tried to arrange an affair?"

And at some point I would point out "You do realise that I will have to tell your family why we have split up - you joined an adulterers' website"

Get a screengrab of the window and the email address set up by the way! evidence I would think.

good luck

AnyFucker Mon 05-Nov-12 10:27:47

this is not just some dickhead ?

yes it is, love

he is a dickhead just like any other who would throw his marriage away for a cheap and nasty thrill

now it's up to you to decide if you want to be married to a person like that, despite the financial implications

because if you really don't want to, but decide to stay because of finances that is one hell of a shit life you are letting yourself in for

ElizabethX Mon 05-Nov-12 10:28:31

xpost with fluffyraggies there. i like your style.

don't tiptoe around, bring it to a head right now. in fact say to him "if you want to shag around you have to leave right now, this morning, today, not at your leisure or convenience."

sometimes you have to be confrontational, eg when there is absolutely nothing to negotiate about. fuck it all, if he wants to fuck someone else he should get on with it and it will be a lot easier if he has his own place

this link should help him

mcfullmooncup Mon 05-Nov-12 10:33:18

I'm sorry you have found this OP.

I'm afraid you know very well that everything has changed and he is not the man you thought he was. He is more than likely meeting up with other women to have sex. So although you may value your home, family and life, he clearly doesn't.

It is not about cutting his balls off, it is about whether you wish to spend the rest of your life with a man who has different values to you, actually doesn't respect you and someone you will be unable to trust for a long time, if ever.

I am sure he is a man who has many redeeming features, but some things trump everything. Stand by your gut feeling on this, your immediate sadness is a reflection that you know this is a total dealbreaker, and it takes real guts not to talk yourself out of the validity of that feeling with lots of "oh he's such a good guy in so many ways" sort of chatter, but in reality your sadness is valid and correct.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 05-Nov-12 10:34:45

What a shock. Where is he now? You could ignore it and pretend you never saw it and everything is as you thought it was but that's not really an option is it. Talk to him face to face. Ask him what this is about, does he intend this or is he trying to get your attention. If the latter, it's worked. Sorry OP.

flippingstupidnickname Mon 05-Nov-12 10:36:17

Thanks for your replies. I just want to make it clear that I wouldn't stay with him just for financial gain, in fact that is furthest from my mind. I also don't want to lose my family life, my home and break apart my childrens' world. It's my kids i'm worried about. I come from a broken family and I don't want to put my kids through it. Do you think there's any way to work this out? After all he may not have actually 'done' anything yet...

BethFairbright Mon 05-Nov-12 10:37:03

I can see you're already talking yourself into not facing up to this, so because you're of that mindset I think he'll find it easy to explain away the unbelievable if you confront him now. And as long as he hides his tracks and you're no longer confronted with indisputable evidence, you can pretend that nothing's going on and your nice life can continue.

So in your case I'd probably monitor that new e mail account and at the same time, try to find his profile on the site you mentioned. I'd give this a maximum of a week to get the evidence you need and then only confront when there's no even faintly believable explanation.

But if you want to turn a blind eye and to be lied to, confront now. After which, he'll just join a different site and open yet another e mail account, closing his tabs this time.

Polecat2011 Mon 05-Nov-12 10:37:08

I am so sorry, big hugs. That said this is the time for action. No doubt if you confront your partner he will minimise and deny. He will say he was only curious etc etc. You will be none the wiser really, he is doing it secretly so that you remain in the dark. He will get even more careful and secretive and you will be uncertain. If it were me I would get better and clearer evidence before asking him. I would contact him on the secret e-mail account and propose a meeting. You will know better from his response what his real intentions are. It is crystal clear that he intended a liaison but he will try so hard to deny it, and you will so want to believe him, and will half believe him, that you really do need better and undeniable evidence. It is natural to want to preserve the current status quo. You do not want your life to change so you will be so tempted to believe his denials. Deep inside you will recognise that your marriage has changed.

Whatever you do, start preparing for a possible separation. Obtain all financial information or copies of documents if the originals are not yours. Save funds in a secret place. See a solicitor. You will feel less insecure if you have some idea how you would manage if there were to be a split. Consider in depth, when you are calm, whether you would like to spend the rest of your life with someone you cannot trust.

This is a very difficult time. Look after yourself.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 05-Nov-12 10:37:55

Sorry but he is a dickhead - putting his need for a cheap shag before those of his family sad

He will deny everything when confronted so keep the screenshot as evidence. Then he will minimise what he has done i.e he was just curious, it was just the once etc etc.

flippingstupidnickname Mon 05-Nov-12 10:38:26

Sorry, crossed with a couple of you, thanks for those replies. I'm just so worried about my children, I can't bare this :'-

BethFairbright Mon 05-Nov-12 10:39:11

Whether he's 'done' anything isn't the point is it?

He's actively looking for no-strings sex.

This might not be the only site he's on, or the first time he's registered for one.

It's just the first time you've caught him, that's all.

mcmooncup Mon 05-Nov-12 10:41:19

I would also agree that you should not confront him immediately. Gather evidence......facts.......about what he is actually up to. Try and be as emotionless as possible in this period, and focus on the outcome you require - i.e. to find out the depth of the betrayal.

One thing is for sure that you will NOT get the truth if you confront him straightaway. He was "just curious". Yes, of course hmm

AnyFucker Mon 05-Nov-12 10:42:55

I am really sorry, love

But your children are separate from this. Don't turn a blind eye because you fear upsetting your children.

No child is in need of a resident father that disrespects their mother so completely.

he can still be a father but not living as a couple with you.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 05-Nov-12 10:44:43

I'm sorry, really sorry. It is devastating sad

The thing is though, he has already done something - he has gone looking for an affair, it doesn't actually matter whether he's had sex with anyone else or not, it's what he wants to do.

Some people manage to 'get over' affairs, BUT that means the person who had the affair (or tried do, doesn't matter) has to want the relationship and has to put a lot of work in.

You can't 'go back' but you can choose to 'start again' and build a new relationship but he has to really want that and be totally committed to doing whatever it takes to rebuild your trust and there are very few people who are willing or able to do that.

It is sad for your children - but it would be worse for them living with you both and him treating you like shit.

mcmooncup Mon 05-Nov-12 10:44:58

On the children and separation. Yes, it is sad and I understand the societal pressure to stay together, but you don't have to break up badly. You can chose how you behave and you don't have to screw your children up forever.

Children need love and respect. You can do this whether you are on your own, separated and co-parenting or together with their father. It is a total myth that all children from divorced parents are screwed up. It depends on the parent's behaviour and thankfully that is in your control.

ElizabethX Mon 05-Nov-12 10:48:37

depth of the betrayal? I don't agree (my 2c worth)

he's trying to arrange to fuck other women. I bet that site costs money. what is your family doing without so that he can pay the sub?

whether he's fucked someone else yet or not what's the difference?

the only way I'd go along with this is if I were able to identify his profile on the site. I'd then contact him, have a bit of correspondence in which he slags me off as a fat boring old cow who doesn't understand him etc. I'd print this out and take it along to our "date".

flippingstupidnickname Mon 05-Nov-12 10:51:47

That's true, if my parents had behaved better when I was young it might not have been so bad... I just worry that if I wait for real evidence it might never materialise, then what? That would create more doubt in my mind and it would be even easier for me to sweep it under the carpet.
I know it sound pathetic but I need to accept some responsibilty for all this - we haven't had sex for over three months. There are various factors which we've talked about and agreed to focus on getting our friendship and affection back on track first, I thought it was going so well...

mcmooncup Mon 05-Nov-12 10:53:03

Yes, I actually agree with you ElizabethX. It's just each little lie adds up to a deeper betrayal in some ways. Each one floors you in a different way. That's what I meant by depth.

He is deeply down on the betrayal spectrum already, deal breaking territory already, it's just to help the OP see what she is actually dealing with on her own, not by just taking his word for it, and having hard facts so she doesn't start to doubt herself.

flippingstupidnickname Mon 05-Nov-12 10:54:37

ha - although ironically one of the reasons for my deflated libido was because I found a live porn webcam on his computer. Didn't confront him, just turned a blind eye and gave him the benefit of the doubt and now look where I am!

mcmooncup Mon 05-Nov-12 10:54:44

3 months right? So have you been propositioning the window cleaner for a quick shag?

fluffyraggies Mon 05-Nov-12 10:54:44

OP i am so sorry. Different women will deal with this in different ways, of course. Me and Elizabeth would obviously be in there having it out with him by now already - others would hold back and gather more 'evidence'. For their own peace of mind it seems on the whole.

Allot depends on your relationship and your past with DH. IS this the first time you've found anything dodgy? Has he played away in the past? Would you know instantly if he was lying, or is he good at being evasive?

I second that children don't have to be hurt by a split.

ElizabethX Mon 05-Nov-12 10:54:51

I humbly suggest that you have that exactly backwards.

it is not that he wants an affair because you aren't having sex

it is that you aren't having sex because he wants an affair.

he has gone without sex for 3 months before now

ElizabethX Mon 05-Nov-12 10:55:07

he can manage to do so again.

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