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Sexless relationships

(57 Posts)
Bubblenut Sun 04-Nov-12 22:39:21

Can a relationship be fine if there is limited or no sex?

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Wed 07-Nov-12 18:06:21

I agree that sexless relationships can and do work of both people are ok with it

Of they're not I think it's a recipe for disaster

I also think having an affair isn't the worst thing you can do, I can totally see why some people get to that point. Is it great? No but it's not illegal and sometimes it works out for the best. Often things are not completely black and white

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Wed 07-Nov-12 18:07:47

Why does my iPad think I want to say of when I want to say if?! Sorry about that

Offred Wed 07-Nov-12 19:05:08

What are you talking about now darkest? You appear to be responding to a point I never actually made. I have ALWAYS said hiding asexuality or a desire to end the sexual part of a relationship and/or refusing to talk about it is WRONG. As is having an affair (wrong but understandable but still wrong - repeat ad infinitum) but your partner is not to blame for a choice to stay in that situation and it does not give a license to behave wrongly yourself. Why is that so difficult to understand? You seem to be looking at this marriage as some kind of tug of war with your husband and if people think what you did is wrong then you assume they must be saying your husband is right. The most important thing seems to be who is right and who is wrong to you, who is considered to have the upper hand. Well I think it is a mess. You don't get points for staying in a shit relationship and I really just don't get all the blather about hetero-monogamy from sgb when actually what she seems to be advocating here is staying in a shit relationship and doing anything you can in order to remain in that shit relationship where each of you treat each other badly competitively. in order to keep up the appearance of some kind of monogamy

Helltotheno Wed 07-Nov-12 19:16:12

Offred I don't think anyone would disagree that the obvious solution if something's not working is to get out. See in real life though, that's not always easy for people from a logistics perspective or for other reasons.

If someone opts out of the sex and they're not bothered changing the status quo, imo that person's partner is well within his/her right to get it elsewhere and I do agree with SGB that it shouldn't be a big deal... in refusing to do something about a problem, you're or less tacitly saying your partner can take the matter into his/her own hands. That's the way I'd read it anyway. I certainly don't think it should involve endless months and years of heads being banged against walls trying to change a situation that's not going to change.

Offred Wed 07-Nov-12 19:49:51

I haven't commented on whether leaving is easy or hard. It is simply my opinion that cheating is always wrong. Being wrong is not the end of the world. Sometimes being wrong is understandable BUT someone doing you wrong does not give you "a right" to do them wrong. I think that is a pretty despicable (and pointless and life ruining) attitude. I have also said i agree darkest, obviously, is perfectly entitled to seek extramarital sex, that is not the same as saying she is entitled to seek extramarital sex secretly. It is nothing to do with the sex or with monogamy, it is the cheating and the covering up of a lack of desire for a part of the relationship the other wants; the deceit (on both sides) that is the part that is wrong. Nothing can make that kind of behaviour right in my eyes (although I appreciate something being not wrong is not the same as it being right). It just seems terribly miserable and pointless from all perspectives.

Offred Wed 07-Nov-12 19:52:45

And I'm not speaking from an ivory tower either. Mostly I'm influenced by the experience of a partially retaliatory affair in an abusive relationship. It was not right, I behaved terribly, it hurt the OM really badly, it made things much worse all round.

Wmatilda Wed 22-Jun-16 20:40:28

Been married for 10 years to my wife. We have two lovely kids (boy and girl).

We both work hard and have a nice house etc. Only drama is that we never have sex other than the times we a tried for our two kids. I've tried talking to my DW but hit hits a brick wall ending in an argument and tears.

Of course, I'm not going to force myself on her or anything in between. I just get the micro signals of "I'm tired, stressed, hunger or busy" before we even contemplate any action, as a prohibitory "don't even think about it".

I've read a few articles of using sex as a weapon and many of the signs are there. But I even tried to speak about it with her. Sadly, just brushed it off, never to discuss it....

This is the massive conundrum..... But clearly, I'm at my wits end....

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