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Should I try to find exH and ask him to support me and Ds?

(29 Posts)
UnlikelyAmazonian Sun 04-Nov-12 21:45:23

ExH went to Thailand nearly five years ago. No contact since, no support. Managed to divorce him. I think he still works at a University in north Thailand.

I have survived so far and always been very anxious that he doesn't return or try to have any contact with me or ds. But I could really do with some financial support from him now and for DS into the future.

Ds is 4 and has leukaemia. Only child. I have no family to call on.

It does really upset me that ex has been able to walk away. Forever. Go on to be ina good job teaching in a Uni, scuba diuving, apparently re-married to a thai girl etc.

He took all our savings (30k) and also left me 10 grand overdrawn on our current account when he ran off, though did leave me with a holiday cottage which I sold and I've been living on that - toppingup with it etc, But it wonb't last long as ds illness means I can't work for another 2 years and it's pretty crap all round.
I don't know what to do anymore. i just wish he would contribute.

Thoughts please.. Don't know if anyone is still around who remembers my backstory.

It's very hard right now as DS is poorly. I can't work - on DLA and carer's to support him which is full time job. I have a mortgage which I put on interest only when he ran away so not paying it off.

Should I really try and find him and at least ask he starts contributing to ds and I? It's a lost cause probably and even if I found him he wouldn't want to give me anything no doubt.

But should i try - as it does eat me up that I am somehow allowing him to just leave and live in Thailand with no repercussions. poor ds.

Offred Sun 04-Nov-12 21:52:35

sad what an awful choice. I'm not sure I can offer authoritative advice. In the one hand as ds' father he surely has the right to make a choice about being there for ds during his illness. Ds certainly deserves better from his father as do you BUT the very last thing a seriously ill child needs is upheaval and for that reason I can see why it might be better to let sleeping lions lie and not risk a supremely selfish man bulldozing over everything you've created and making it all about him. Only you can really choose and it has to be about ds and what you think is best for him. Really sorry for what you are going through. sad

HansieMom Sun 04-Nov-12 21:52:41

What about his family? Are they any use at all? I believe they somehow justified him for what he did? It is so unfair your son is ill. DH has been worse than useless emotionally (how does he sleep at night?), the least he could do is come through financially.

dequoisagitil Sun 04-Nov-12 21:54:44

Oh I'm sorry sad. Best wishes for recovery to your ds.

I think that if you successfully contact your ex, you do run the risk of him wanting involvement on some level. However, if he's been completely out of your lives for years, the chances are high that he'll just ignore/dismiss you.

I guess it's weighing up whether not trying to get some help from him is worse than trying and getting nothing, or having him potentially turn up on your door.

Could you look at selling up and getting somewhere smaller?

UnlikelyAmazonian Sun 04-Nov-12 21:56:14

ExH family washed their hands of us when he ran away. I have told exMIl ds has leukaemia but she isn't interested.

My question is, really, should I make a concerted effort to try and find/contact ExH at the University in chiang mai and just ask him (via a letter or someone else who might know him) to please pay some child support?

or should I just let sleeping lions lie etc - though doin g this means I never have any 'closure' (shit american word)

AtoZandBackAgain Sun 04-Nov-12 21:56:38

I remember your back story UA.

I don't think you will get anything from him voluntarily and being where he is I doubt he could be forced to contribute.

It could just add an unwanted complication to your life at this incredibly difficult time for you. You could be left even more disappointed in him than you currently are if he failed to 'come good' at this time of crisis.

But it's an incredibly difficult decision.

MajesticWhine Sun 04-Nov-12 22:02:29

I think it is worth a try. He might help you out, you never know. And you wont have that lingering what if. What are the downsides?

UnlikelyAmazonian Sun 04-Nov-12 22:07:51

Ato, I don't think he would help either. I think it comes down to the question of should I at least ask, so that at least I know he has absolutely said no iykwim. Obviously it would be good if he just agreed and silently and put something for ds into my account monthly blah blah

But no I don't expect anything except from either silence or a load of bile.

But should I, after this long, gather my emotional resources and at least ask the bastard and give him the chance to tell me to fuck off..so that at least I hjave that in black and white.

yes, it's a very difficult decision. I'll no doubt wimp out again and do nothing. It feels all more rage-making when ds is so ill and really deserves a decent father at this time.

SoldierKatnissEverdeen Sun 04-Nov-12 22:09:05

So sorry to hear about your ds.

Re maintainance i would suggest looking at the REMO process. It is similar in principal to CSA but for (some) foreign countries. It isn't a quick process but at least you would feel that you had done something about it, and wouldn't have the emotional grief of having to contact him directly.

Wishing you and DS lots of strength for the treatment.

izzywizzyisbizzy Sun 04-Nov-12 22:09:10

He will only hurt you all over again, he is a useless waste of space.

I am so sorry your little one is so ill xx

ArtVandelay Sun 04-Nov-12 22:11:04

I'm so sorry about your son, Unlikely. What awful bad luck, I don't know what to say sad without sounding stalkerish (i hope) I've been on your threads and seen your pictures. Heartbroken for you. He is gorgeous, and you are a fabulous person/mum. I really hope he starts to get better soon. No advice on your ex, just good wishes aimed your way. X x x and hug.

AtoZandBackAgain Sun 04-Nov-12 22:15:31

It's 2 issues really isn't it?

The first is - should he be told?

The second is - if he does know what support (if any) would he provide?

I really don't know the answer. I probably sway towards telling him but not expecting anything.

I just worry that you couldn't take further 'rejection' at this particular time.

Take care UA - you are an amazingly strong woman X

UnlikelyAmazonian Sun 04-Nov-12 22:20:50

No no i wouldn't tell him that Ds is ill. He wouldn't give a toss anyway. I would rather approach with just direct request: please start contributing some child support. Please put money in this account (set up separate account nothing to do with my everyday accounts etc)

I don't even know if he does still teach at that Uni though and it would be difficult to get any sort of email address for him to ask - though not impossible. Could try to do so under another name etc.

Just don't know. It's the 'principle' of it all for me - Ds deserves some help in his current misery as Skylanders Giants are 15 pounds a pop (hollow laugh) sad

SoldierKatnissEverdeen Sun 04-Nov-12 22:29:01

UA, if you go through the REMO process, you won't have to make any contact with him. You contact the magistrates court for the forms, fill them in, swear them in and then wait. Its a legal process, so there is no relying on his good will. If he is employed rather than self employed it will be even easier as he can't pretend he hasn't earned anything.

So this way, you don't have to contact him, you don't have the debate re telling him about ds condition, and the potentially confrontational stuff is done by someone else. And its a court order, not a goodwill gesture.

I'll just check to see if thailand is one of the countries who participate/ covered....

SoldierKatnissEverdeen Sun 04-Nov-12 22:34:30

So sorry, Thailand doesn't appear to be one of the countries.

Have you tried a facebook search to see if he has any helpful details on there?

UnlikelyAmazonian Sun 04-Nov-12 22:40:02

Soldier, there is no reciprocal agreement between UK and thailand so that can't work.

ExH certainly did his homework very thoroughly before deciding where he could best pursue his distasteful proclivities, where his CV would not be thoroughly checked out (he was sacked from his teaching job in the UK for gross misconduct - nothing like that matters to the Thais or to Tesol companies who train train people like him either) and where he knew he coulnd't be pursued for maintenance (he has two small daughters by an exP in this country too sad)

I am just thinking, purely from a 'bugger it shall i shut my eyes and pursue him and just ask' expecting a no or a total silence? i could ask him at least for an acknowledgement that he received my request, even if he ignores it totally.

I'm not looking for any further evidence that he's horrible - but it might help me to know that he actually said an outright NO FUCK OFF to me and Ds etc.

It'll be five years in June and yes although things are very hard and upsetting with ds being so ill, it has somehow strengthened me too. To finally try to find him and remind him we still exist and that he has chosen to utterly ignore his child.

seaofyou Sun 04-Nov-12 22:56:16

(((((UA))))))) I am sorry to hear your lovely boy has had a relapsesad

Although I am not in same situation as you I understand where you are coming from.

Ds had MMR and regressed that day in front of my eyes into severe autism and learning disability No language, aggressive etc. I asked ex for help ex refused. I did therapy for 5 yrs etc ds doing a lot better but will always need 24 hr care as an adult too now I see how he is at 8yrs old...I too had to give up my job struggle with mortgage etc

I took ex to court using a REMO in 2005 and he paid for a few months then went on run from courts. His parents saw ds when he was diagnosed at 2yrs old and I miss them more now for ds as they gave me a break...which is worth more than money when it is 24/7 just mum...couldn't leave ds for a second...would put stuff in his mouth....ds put a life threatening chemical in mouth and hospitalized and ex never cared if ds lived or died.

Ex did have a few contacts with ds at GDP home and I am blessed that one night ds wasn't murdered by ex although physically abused on several occasions which ds could not tell me at the time as could not speak but later on when a trigger recalled it in his mind.

What I am saying is your ex will not give a damn because he has no conscience. I don't want you being further disappointed when you cant take anymore kicks from life esp ex

I got a private detective and ex was tracked down and he has slipped the courts again.

REMO does not cover your ex country but you could try their embassy

ask them what there own country rules are on REMO...most solicitors dont know what REMO is and my courts ds was first case in 2005.

Good luck and I really wish this man would grow a pair and support his ds

But I just want to let you know it cost me over 5K to then receive not one penny and the revengeful attacks has left me emotionally scarred for life. It also used up time and stress that I needed for ds 100%

Sorry I waffled a bit UA

UnlikelyAmazonian Mon 05-Nov-12 00:23:51

Oh sea I'm so sorry for the trauma you've been through. It sounds hideous, expensive and fruitless.

But at least you tried and you deserve credit for that I think.

Ds hasn 't relapsed btw - he is on fourth block of chemo at the moment, part of the three year treatment programme for his type of Leukaemia. When we are through this, he'll start on long term Maintenance which is 2 years - chemo only once a month during that time.

It's the attempting to contact (and getting the rebuff and bile I would probably get in return) that I am trying to get my head around. But your story has made me stop in my tracks a little i have to say.

I have had a search around google tonight and some sites and documents show that he is definitely still working at that university so at least I know for sure he is still there.

I am going to give this more thought - re the best way to approach it and when.

Wishing you strength seaofyou. Thanks for your wise input.

noraa Mon 05-Nov-12 00:49:53

sad so sorry for your ds's illness, wish him well soon.
the thing i am guessing is yr ex already knows his illness because i am sure yr exmil told it to him.
try yr attempt maybe you will gain.

seaofyou Mon 05-Nov-12 09:40:15

THat is wonderful to here about your DS UnlikelyA as I know he had a temp and you had to go back home few weeks ago and could not start new block. So I am so happy to hear your ds has moved on with treatment.

Can I ask you...does ex speak to his mum? If so she would have told ex and then he surely would have known? Just a though....then still no contact really shows what a vile man he is.

Try the embassy and ask them what action they take for this type of thing. Otherwise it could be an expensive legal process. However you could try a solicitor to see if they take legal aid...but UnlikelyA honestly it wasnt worth the stress for me because of the consequences...I was dealing with a madman I do not know if your ex is cut from the same cloth...it does sound like, however with the just dropping and taking all that money...I am so sorry....I was lucky as 4 days away of remortgaging house to pay off his 26K debt as we were going to get married etc all the time he was searching for his next internet bride (well he had found her and was going to do what your ex did...so very very sorry). I said I was going to get a solicitor to draw up contract re the remortgage...he left the morning of my 5 month scan same day and went abroad straight away to be with Internet Bride that week. They split up before their DD was a year old. He supports his DD financially and has her every other weekend their. So even more throat cutting for me.

But yes I was very angry like you as ex earns 80-100 thousand euros a year and I was left having to give up work and do everything incl the therapy all alone....but fought and got that for ds too.

But some light at end of tunnel UnlikelyA when your ds is better and at the end of this journey you know you did everything yourself and got through it because your love for your lovely little boy is so so strong you will fight hell and earth for him and it can only make your relationship and bond stronger. Your boy is so so very very proud of his mum and how strong you are....yes I know you feel like you are crumbling inside yourself at times as you are being pushed miles passed any normal stress barrier of life.....when your ds UnlikelyA is better you will feel like a millionaire...I know I do now because my ds can speak now after years and thousands of hours of therapy so I feel like I have fought and got the lotto (not a money one but a life one)...but really I fought and fought and never gave or will give up as it is ongoing and it will be the same for you with ds....you wont either give up! Honestly your payback for all this hard work will come UnlikelyA but in a different way and a much richer way and you then will not care about THAT THING ever again and draw a line once and for all.

But do try once he may have a conscience, but if no joy please learn from my mistakes because it is costly more so emotionally than anything else...the financial costs for me was also a new front door because the old one was falling out of the wall from the kicks and the letterbox a dangerous point of entry with the threats and trying to break open the seal done by the arson team. I know you would not have those type of fees but a Private Detective is very expensive too and add on solicitor fees and years of phoning the courts abroad!

You will get through this UnlikelyA what you have coped with so far just shows what a strong lady you are, sending you and your ds healing vibes, calmness and lots of hugs xx

needsomeperspective Mon 05-Nov-12 09:49:47

I feel such sympathy for your situation but really, do you think a man who stole 30k from you and ran off to a country which is notorious for sex tourism and abuse of young women to pursue his "recreational preferences" is now likely to say "oh so sorry you're in difficulty financially, allow me to remit a generous monthly stipend for you and our DC"?

You know this is not going to happen. And pretending to yourself that this is even a tiny chance is diverting your attention away from the realities of providing for yourself and your son. There will be nothing from your ex. Ever. Except maybe if you are even more unlucky more trouble.

Have you thought of fundraising activities? Writing to charities? That would be likely to be a more fruitful activity than trying to track down a man who is a callous thieving sex pest.

needsomeperspective Mon 05-Nov-12 09:59:04

And forget embassies and such like. He is 100% free and clear living in Thailand. Thai family courts will not enforce a uk court order for child support.

MrsMargoLeadbetter Mon 05-Nov-12 10:26:22

OP - you sound like you are an amazingly strong mother, I take my hat off. These past years must have been incredibly difficult, I am so sorry you and your DS have had to go through this.

I think you want to make contact reading your posts, so it might give you peace of mind that you tried. You know it won't be easy, it opens you up to further abusive/pain from EXH and it could be fruitless.

My own personal view (as an outside with no similar experience) is that if you want to try you should and you should do it sooner rather than later. You need the money (should it appear, which is a slim probability) now more than in a few years when DS is better etc.

I guess there is also the issue of being able to say to DS in years to come that you did try to contact his "D"F. I am sure he will grow up to understand what a shit rubbish "D"F he is, but if he does ask if you tried to contact him, you can say you did.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. And wishing your DS a successful recovery.

Rowanhart Mon 05-Nov-12 10:53:48

It reads that contacting him is as much about you getting some form of reconciliatihe that you've done all you can to have as much financial security for you both at this time.

In which case I would do it. Not in the real hoes he will spring a conscience. But to give yourself a sense you have done all you can and drawn a line.

I really feel for you and your boy.

PeppermintPasty Mon 05-Nov-12 11:04:41

Bloody hell UA, what a shit situation. I remember your story vividly, you have been through an unbelievable amount of crap. I was thinking about it late last night when I first read your post. I think you know that this "man" is never going to do the right thing after years of being a total wanker to you, and the manner of his leaving, and all the other shitty stuff, it makes my head reel.

But, if YOU need to do it, for you and your boy, then so be it. Do it, chase him up, then put it to bed. That might be more powerful for you than anything else. You have already got rid of him in reality, and in practice you are the only strong thing in your son's life, even though it may not feel like it.

I was also fantasising last night about winning the Euromillions and giving you tons of cash. Bit unlikely I'm afraid as I always forget to do the lottery. But the thought was there wink

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