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Long distance relationship finally over

(32 Posts)
Shinyshinyface Sun 04-Nov-12 20:29:47

I posted in the summer about my LDR here
Not sure if anyone remembers but I had some good advice which I appreciated.
Well, it finally ended today...partly at my instigation, more as a result of my forcing a discussion which could really only end one way, which it did. It's a definite end, there will be no curtain calls.

I've never had to actively end a relationship where we both still loved each other. Does that make sense? We kind of both ended it but really only because I insisted on a discussion today...although things didn't change over a number of months (in other words it didn't get any better but it didn't get any worse) in the last few weeks he was getting more distant and I felt I was having to survive on fewer and fewer crumbs. It couldn't go on that way.

I know it's for the best, I know it had to happen but I feel utterly utterly shit. I've had breakups before and I didn't die as a result, I need to keep reminding myself that I probably won't die this time either.

And I know in comparison to what lots of women have been through/are going through this is nothing. I've been through a marriage breakdown caused by an affair myself so I know. I just can't help wondering why life has to be so shit sometimes? And how to get through the shitness. How to get up tomorrow knowing I won't see him or speak to him again. I don't know how to do that.

Sorry if this is a bit incoherent.

OneMoreGo Sun 04-Nov-12 21:00:02

I've been through this very recently so I haven't much advice but just wanted to offer you some sympathy and hugs.

Time is a magic healer and I have manage to get over people I never believed I would move on from just because of the passing of time. That is fuck all consolation when you are in the middle of raw pain and realistic know that it will be weeks or months before you start feeling much better. Sometimes accepting that it will hurt for a while and not fighting it is the only way to go, sadly. But I also rate distraction as an excellent method if you need a break from it all. Silly telly, snogging some random, cinema, giggles with friends, new hobby that is v time consuming and preferably social. Just do what you can to get through this bit, love.

Shinyshinyface Sun 04-Nov-12 21:07:41

Thank you so much for replying. You did have advice you know smile

I know it'll get better but it's good to hear someone else say it. I'm still at the stage where I have to concentrate on breathing in and out.

OneMoreGo Sun 04-Nov-12 23:34:27

I know that stage really well. It is so hellish but luckily passes swiftly. Do try and do little nice things for yourself that give you a respite or at least lessen the pain.

I worked out recently that I do choose some days to wallow in pain, and although it feels like I have no control over it there is some measure of choice in what I am doing. I guess because some part of me wants to daydream about them, if that makes sense? But actually the 'good' days are those when I deliberately don't follow thoughts and instead distract myself with other stuff, however inane. Those are the days when I look back and realise I have felt happy in the day.

It WILL pass. I promise you. The happy moments will become whole days and the sad moments just that - moments. And they will occur less and less until one day you realise you are over them.

Numberlock Mon 05-Nov-12 09:29:56

Hi Shiny, I remember your original thread and just wanted to say I think you've made the right decision, for what it's worth.

in the last few weeks he was getting more distant and I felt I was having to survive on fewer and fewer crumbs

I was in a similar position myself where I was getting the impression that the other person was no longer as interested so I made the decision to cut all contact. It wasn't easy initially, I suppose it's letting go of the 'what if' rather than the reality, but I soon felt ten times better for taking back control rather than the constant checking of emails etc.

As for your situation, I suggest taking it a day at a time. Or just focus on getting through the morning, then the afternoon, then the evening... Don't allow yourself to think that you'll 'never' see/speak to him again. Just get through it in stages.

And keep yourself busy - do you have a good set of friends that you can spend time with? You've been so strong to make this decision, now could also be the time to make any other changes in your life you would like.

ElizabethX Mon 05-Nov-12 10:14:31

You did the right thing IMHO

If I have taken one thing away from my relationship history and from observing those of friends, it is that once they hit a serious snag, they are far far more likely to get worse than better.

Whether you are 19 or 39 you have no time to waste on a relationship that is going nowhere

You have to work out what the snags are and move on if they aren't solvable, no matter how much it hurts, even if you are in love. especially if you are in love because you have that to give, you can only spend it once and when it's gone you don't get it back.

I have been in love but broken it off before now because he was adamant he wouldn't have children. No compromise is possible there. You leave with mutual affection, respect and good wishes, but you do have to leave.

He can always change his mind and if he does come around to your way of thinking he knows where you are. You may even still be there.

ElizabethX Mon 05-Nov-12 10:16:53

just seen numberlock's post - agree with all that

fill your life with things to look forward to, eg tomorrow you are going to an art gallery, next week you are doing dinner for friends, etc

stay busy, do not mope, you took control and it is hard at times but better than someone else being in charge and seeing you as a problem.

Shinyshinyface Mon 05-Nov-12 10:26:10

Thanks OneMoreGo, it's really hard to imagine not feeling like I do right now and you've described the stages of getting back to feeling normal again very well. I have been thinking to myself, well in 2 weeks I won't feel anywhere near as bad.

And thanks Number, it really helps just thinking one hour ahead at a time. I don't have much to do at the moment (that's a whole other thread right there) so I'm really scared of the empty time ahead of me. I'm dreading when it gets to be the time when he gets up and calls me...that's been my routine every day for months and months. I don't know how to deal with not talking to him. I know I sound like such a baby, it's not like anyone's died or anything!

Shinyshinyface Mon 05-Nov-12 10:35:03

Thanks Elizabeth. I know you're right, it was what needed to happen and if I'd left it up to him there would have been probably more and more months of frustration. My situation was similar to your in that there was an impasse, neither of us could make the changes necessary to actually be together. I'm going to try and be busy but I don't think today's going to be a good start. I'll try harder tomorrow though!

ElizabethX Mon 05-Nov-12 10:52:23

well done you.

one day at a time.

what haven't you done for ages that you'd like to do? eg drop the kids off at school then spend the whole day at a spa? do that. do stuff that's about you.

raskolnikov Mon 05-Nov-12 11:19:56

baby steps shiny, you'll get there slowly and you'll be surprised how much better you feel when a week's gone by and you're still standing! I have a manicure now and then (I am so not a manicure person!!) but it makes me feel miles better. The other thing I do from time to time is drag a friend out for a walk across some fields with a picnic in a bag - we both plan to run away and she grumbles about her kids and I grumble about my ex - how we end up laughing about it all is beyond me!

Hugs

Shinyshinyface Mon 05-Nov-12 14:21:12

Thanks for the hugs raskolnikov. Can't wait for the first week to be behind me.
Wondering what to do when the DC get home from school and I'm looking such a sight. I keep going to put mascara on then five minutes later it's all over my face sad

iloveweetos Mon 05-Nov-12 14:27:16

clear mascara, eye drops and abit of concealer xxx
you're allowed to look a sight for abit, we've all been there smile x

raskolnikov Mon 05-Nov-12 14:33:21

You know what shiny? Its ok for them to see you like that - you'll get the biggest hugs of all then and they'll be heartfelt. Then you can go about looking after them, making smalltalk about school and formulating a small plan for tomorrow - where are you going to go?

Shinyshinyface Mon 05-Nov-12 14:43:16

I'm not sure what to do tomorrow...I guess just get out of the house for a start.
Everything seems too hard to think about at the moment. And I feel really lonely...the person I tell everything to isn't there any more. I think that's one of the worst things.

raskolnikov Mon 05-Nov-12 14:51:17

Do you have a RL friend you can talk to over a coffee? If not, just going out for a walk on your own can be very therapeutic. I know that part's difficult - I've had days when my kids were the only people I spoke to, but I decided that had to change, so I started asking other mums out for coffee now and then - too early for you to be doing this maybe, but just bear in mind that there are plenty of other people who would welcome the chance to have a natter.

And of course, there's always mumsnet! smile

TheMagicToyshop Mon 05-Nov-12 15:01:55

Hi, i didn't see you other thread but just wanted to say I had to do the same after a 4 yr LDR years ago, and I feel your pain! It is so difficult. My advice would be keep busy, make plans for the coming weeks that you can look forward to, even if it's just a cup of tea with a friend. Also, avoid contact, delete the number if you feel you might be tempted! I made the huge mistake of keeping in touch for months, then making a big deal of breaking contact only to do a dramatic 1am 'i miss you' call a few weeks later. It just made it take longer to get over and wasn't fair on either of us.

Although it is horrible, mostly because the relationship hasn't really 'ended' emotionally for either of you, you can be grateful for the fact that your day to day life won't change as dramatically as it does for some after a break up. And you don't have to dread bumping into them in public. Small mercies!

Good luck. It's a cliche but time really is a great healer in these situations.

Shinyshinyface Mon 05-Nov-12 18:06:20

Thanks Magic. It's really comforting that people understand what I'm going through.

And yes...I have texted I'm afraid. I just couldn't go cold turkey. I know it was the wrong thing to do...he has answered really quickly each time, just brief answers and just acknowledges rather than continues the conversation. I know I shouldn't do it, I know. It helps a little bit at the time but I suppose in the ned it's going to drag things out longer.

You're right about not bumping into him in public, I should try and see the positive side. But because of the nature of a long distance thing, everywhere I go I'm going to be thinking about describing what I'm doing and seeing to him, that's been second nature for so long. It feels so empty without anyone to tell things to. Well not, just anyone, him.

spursmummy Mon 05-Nov-12 19:52:02

Hello shiny . My long distance relationship ended last year after 18 months, and it also hurt a lot more than most of my other relationships when they ended. It wasn't easy getting over it but I'm there now. What everyone has said is so right - it's a matter of finding the right balance of plans for the future to look forward to and being good to yourself from day to day. The habit of being constantly in touch with my ex was hard to break; if I had something that I would've said to him I either texted a mate or posted it on Facebook/found someone on Facebook I could chat with. Creating new habits took time but I've got there. I really hope you start to feel better soon.

Shinyshinyface Tue 06-Nov-12 07:43:31

Thanks Spursmummy. That's a good idea about finding someone else to tell things to.
I'm finding this so hard.

Numberlock Tue 06-Nov-12 10:17:18

I don't have much to do at the moment (that's a whole other thread right there) so I'm really scared of the empty time ahead of me

Shiny, you've been so strong in making the decision to end this relationship. How about using this time to also make the other changes you allude to above? I'm sure everyone would be happy to help you and suggest things.

Shinyshinyface Tue 06-Nov-12 10:34:13

Hey Number, I had been thinking about doing that for a while. Where do you think would be a good place to put a thread like that? It's not a Relationships thing, it's more of a completely rebuilding my life thing.

Numberlock Tue 06-Nov-12 11:11:37

How about Chat? I think that gets the most traffic?

Shinyshinyface Tue 06-Nov-12 11:16:06

Ok, sounds like a good idea. May take me a while to get started smile

raskolnikov Tue 06-Nov-12 11:53:21

Hi Shiny, hope you're ok today

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