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feeling second best

(25 Posts)
womblingfree1970 Sun 04-Nov-12 20:19:50

im not sure where to start

i have been in a relationship for approx 3 months with a guy who is a bit younger than me.he has never been married and has no children.i am divorced with kids.

he isn't english and moved over to england to help out his sister for a few months with looking after his nephew.he remained in england and lives with his sister now and is basically a live in babysitter but also works part time.

now this is my issue.I feel second best.There has been quite a few times when i have been free(my children goto their dads every other saturday overnight)and he has been unable to see me.
Firstly and understandably when he has to look after his nephew cos his sister is working.which is fair enough.But there have been times when he hasn't seen me when his sister isn't working just because she wants him around.And it seems he's afraid to say anything to her about seeing me.I then start to wonder if he really wants to be with me.or am I just convenient.

On the other hand he is very attentive,texts alot every day,says he misses me when we dont see each other and is generally very nice.Friends of mine have commented on his relationship withhis sister saying its a bit strange and that surely when she's not working he should be able to see me.

This situation frustrates me.what do you think?and how would you deal with it

Mum2Fergus Sun 04-Nov-12 20:37:37

Are you sure she's his sister?

womblingfree1970 Sun 04-Nov-12 20:41:16

yes its definately his sister.she knows about us and has asked to meet me.but he has said not yet as he feels its a bit to soon

lucyellenmum Sun 04-Nov-12 20:43:22

not sure, what do you do when he does condesenc to spend time with you

CogitoErgoSparklers Sun 04-Nov-12 20:46:06

If you've never met her, you actually don't know that she is his sister... or that she knows about you or has asked to meet you. I would tread very carefully.

AnyFucker Sun 04-Nov-12 20:47:09

a bit too soon to meet his sister ?

really ?

that kind of phrase is usually babdied around for when dc are involved

not siblings

you are being taken for a ride, OP

or you are being very pushy, and he wants you to back off

either way, you need to re-evaluate this "relationship"

AnyFucker Sun 04-Nov-12 20:47:24


dequoisagitil Sun 04-Nov-12 20:47:35

How do you know it's his sister exactly? Just his say so?

womblingfree1970 Sun 04-Nov-12 20:48:42

its definately his sister.without going into everything i know for definate its his thats not the issue

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 04-Nov-12 20:51:03

Actually his sister?

Not in the UK legally ("not English", I assume means "not a British Citizen")?

Already engaged / in a serious relationship with someone else?

Chronically shy?

Recently had his heart broken?

A virgin?

Any of the above might explain his reticence to get too deeply involved - using his sister as an excuse - but you won't know what's going on unless you ask him...

Bubblenut Sun 04-Nov-12 20:51:32

Erm. That all sounds very dodgy to me! You read about these kind of stories all the time

CogitoErgoSparklers Sun 04-Nov-12 20:52:18

So, if she's not actually his wife, he's still a man living in fear of his sister. Can't say boo to a goose... Is that an attractive sort of person to you?

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 04-Nov-12 20:52:21

Sorry, my first point should have been "not actually his sister", but I see from the cross post that it's not an issue

womblingfree1970 Sun 04-Nov-12 20:52:26


when we do see each other we go out places together and sometimes spend the eveing in together

womblingfree1970 Sun 04-Nov-12 20:58:54

def his sister
no not a british citizen but is here legally
not already engaged/in a relationship
he's not chronically shy but does have real respect for anyone older than himself and wont question them or say anything that he feels will bother them.I have seen this with him.
not recently had his heart fact when we met we both weren't looking for anything serious and then it was him who suggested he wanted a more serious relationship with me.I then thought about it and decided to go with it.
and no hes not a virgin

womblingfree1970 Sun 04-Nov-12 21:06:12

one thing that i have considered is because he isn't english i know alot of other countries are very family orientated doing everything together.I wonder if this is part or all of the reason why.It doesn't stop me getting frustrated though.

I have spoken to him about his sister and he says she comes first even before himself.that he is here for her

AnyFucker Sun 04-Nov-12 21:21:12

ok, be second best then

your choice

is this thread a waste of everyone's time,including yours ?

surely your time would be better spent trying to find another reason why he is a shit boyfriend, than shooting the shit with strangers here ?

op, I think I remember you from some old threads

if you escaped a previous shit relationship to be with this guy, you have simply swopped one flavour of twat for another

it happens, dude, but what you need to do is recognise it

AutumnGlory Sun 04-Nov-12 21:41:34

I think he has been clear with you already saying his family comes first. Maybe he is not that into you anymore. I think you would want to find a more mature man with some life experience on his baggage and who is also independent.

dequoisagitil Sun 04-Nov-12 21:44:23

3 months in and you feel 2nd best - and he has told you you are. Sister comes first.

Listen to what he has told you. His sister comes first. Probably other family too.
Believe what he has said. Don't fool yourself thinking he'll change or if you become wonderwoman he'll put you first.
Decide whether that is acceptable in a relationship and if not, get the hell out. (clue-by-four - it's not and you should).

natsnuts Sun 04-Nov-12 21:46:21

Sounds like she probably does know about you - and is in on the plan (sorry, massively suspicious!)

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 04-Nov-12 22:11:43

wombling, one of the signs of a really good relationship is that you come first. If it's like this after only three months, please think seriously whether this is really what you want in life.

CogitoErgoSparklers Sun 04-Nov-12 22:16:48

" i know alot of other countries are very family orientated doing everything together.I wonder if this is part or all of the reason why"

Which country is he from?

Dryjuice25 Mon 05-Nov-12 00:16:09

This will never change op..are you dating my ex? I was 5th best after his 2 siblings, parents and ex. Not nice. Move on and find a real man.....

SirBoobAlot Mon 05-Nov-12 00:22:07

He has told you that his sister comes first over you.

If, understandably, that isn't good enough, then walk away.

MrClaypole Mon 05-Nov-12 00:27:21

If you are not happy with him after just 3 months then best not to waste any more of your time on him.

Find someone who does make you happy.

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