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What to do about an awkward situation...or I am looking into it too much?

(4 Posts)
Ilovethenorth Sun 04-Nov-12 19:49:09

I have been friends with a guy for 23yrs. When we were much younger I had a huge crush on him....when he was 15 he told me he was gay. I was gutted!
I got over it of course but guess I've always secretly still had a little crush on him as he was my "first love" even though I knew nothing would ever happen between us!
I am married with a DS and have been with my husband for over 10 years, neither of us has ever been unfaithful, obviously our relationship has changed with time and having our son but I guess that's pretty normal. My friend has an on/off partner who is in a long term relationship with someone else.
I have seen my friend on and off over the years, as we have both moved about and lead busy lives. We now live in the same place and have seen each other much more frequently over the past few years. Most recently last night, which is when I started to doubt what was between us.
I went for dinner to a house where my friend was housesitting, it was pretty different to most of our other meetings where we have either been out somewhere or at my house with my DH and DS.
We both had quite a bit to drink and started talking about our schooldays...probably a mistake! He started to get very affectionate towards me - nothing happened of course and I'd like to think he was only being friendly and was maybe lonely as his partner is away, but I can't help wondering if I am being used to boost his ego as he realises I still think he is attractive - which he is - but it doesn't make me feel happy about the friendship and makes me wonder if I should see him again. I don't want to be seen as someone to call on when he's feeling a bit low and needs an ego boost - I mean I am happy to listen to him if he's down but it just feels odd and like he's testing me and leading me on in a way. I can't explain very well.
I am never all over him or showering him with compliments etc so I don't think he is feeding off me in any way. Also, it's not like anything would ever happen as he is gay so doesn't go round kissing women (as far as I'm aware!)and I would never do anything to cheat on my DH.
So, sorry for the long post but does anyone have any advice on how to move forward from these feelings?

Hassled Sun 04-Nov-12 19:54:23

Is it possible that a lot of this is just in your head? That, from his point of view, all that happened was that you both got a bit pissed and had a bit of a cuddle, safe in the knowledge that he's gay and you're a woman? Why are you taking "very affectionate" and turning it into him using you as an ego boost? How aware is he that you used to fancy him?

MolotovBomb Sun 04-Nov-12 19:57:26

It sounds like a toxic friendship to me, to be brutally honest. Your feelings for him are complicated; it's unlikely to go anywhere due to his sexuality but his presence seems to be making you question your marriage.

I'd putting my energies into my marriage if I were you. I'd steer clear of your friend for a while.

Ilovethenorth Sun 04-Nov-12 20:08:01

It could be in my head but that's why I'm asking advice from people on here rather than in RL as hopefully I'm going to get more straight anwers as opposed to what they think I want to hear!

If he'd just given me a hug I wouldn't have thought any more of it.

He knows very well I used to fancy him. We had a bit of a fling back in the day but we were only 11 so it was just the odd snog and hand holding! Nothing serious. I guess his being gay made me feel more for him back then as I knew there would never be anything between us.
We also discussed our past last night and people we used to fancy at school in our drunken ramblings.

I think you are right Molotovbomb. I was thinking I ought to do just that.
Things do seem to have gone off key since DS was born - he is 2 - so I guess that has something to do with all this.

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