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Feeling very sorry for myself.

(159 Posts)
TwllBach Sun 04-Nov-12 11:43:19

I've been with DP for six years - we cenrated our anniversary last night.

I've always been very open about the fact that I want a marriage and a family - always and open are key words here, and right from the first week of being together. Not in a crazy way, but just being honest and talking about the things we want from life.

Three years in, DP was apparently shocked that it was what I wanted and declared that he didn't believe in marriage. I said that's fine, but it was a dealbreaker for me. DP got upset, promised we'd get married and I believed him.

I was training to be a teacher, he was working full time and money was sort of tight so I let it slide because it wasn't the best time. Last year, though, I graduated an got a job, although not teaching. At Christmas I reiterated my desire to get married and he said he knew it would have to happen to stay together.

I was sort of torn and a little hurt. The poor sod shouldn't have to marry someone if he doesn't want to, but at the same time, I feel like I have the right to be with someone who wants to marry me.

At the beginning of the year, then, we went forward on the understanding that we were getting married. I suggested buying a cheap engagement ring - I said I'd buy it or we could go halves but he insisted he wanted to buy it and it would be a 'proper' one. I started looking at place to get married cheaply - each one he turned down because they'd make him ashamed. I tried more expensive places - he doesn't like the food, the staff, the location.

I left it a couple of months, he never mentioned it again. I discussed booking a registrar and doing it with no fuss and, with his agreement, booked the date. We then cancelled because he said he wanted me to have a 'proper' wedding.

I got a teaching job and started in September. We took out a loan together, cleared my student overdraft and other various debts between us (nothing big) and we are payi back half each. He used all his 'half' of the loan to clear 'hus' debts while I used £2k todo the same, meaning technically I have £1.5k left that is 'mine.' I have jokingly asked for it, saying I want to go on a spending spree - I would never be that frivolous with money, but he fobbed me off and didn't give it to me.

As the weeks went on, it bothered me. If he had spent it - what on? He's nothing to show for it. Had he used it to clear debt that I wasn't aware of? If so, I'm very uneasy about him hiding stuff like that from me - my dad was the same and I swore never to end up like my mum.

Stupidly, I let the idea that he was using it to buy me a 'proper' ring. I don't know why - partly because I wanted it to be true and partly because its one of te only reasonable explanations for the missing/used money that I can come up with that doesn't make me upset/angry.

So our anniversary comes round and he is so lovely, he arranged to take me out to my favourite restaurant. I said we'd go halves because its something from each to each, IYSWIM? But he said no - it's his gift to me because beig with me all these years have been a gift to him. He's just been so loving and wonderful. I tried really hard not to let the ring thing creep in to my head, but it was there and I was excited.

We went to dinner and it was lovely. No ring though. I am disappointed, however unreasonable that is. I brought up the idea of getting married again this morning and he seemed resigned to it, surprised somewhat and did say it was a waste f money. He said if we strt saving £25 a week each we will be able to afford to - so I said "are we saving from scratch? There's not a lump sum left over from the loan?" And he said that there was a grand left, after being a bit evasive.

I'm not getting married am I? I've wasted six years of my life, and his. And, just as importantly, it's the money thing.

Oh I didn't even know what I'm trying to say. I'm miserable and disappointed and am feeling very, very stupid.

tribpot Sun 04-Nov-12 11:58:58

Hmm. Off the bat I'd be more worried about where this money's gone to, although I'm unclear as to why you borrowed more than you needed to clear your debts. Assuming you're liable for this money, I would be getting to the bottom of this.

Over the years it sounds like you have swung between wanting to be married and wanting to have a wedding. At the very least, he's been able to distract you from one by dangling the other in front of you. If you really wanted to be married, why didn't you just ask him? Why put it off because he wanted you to have a 'proper wedding'? What did you want? If you really wanted to be with him, do you think it would really be a dealbreaker to be married or not? (That said, there are very compelling arguments for the legal provisions that marriage offers when you have children - but you are a long way off from that right now).

He's made up reasons to put it off, and you've accepted them. Looking at this from the outside, my feeling is you don't really want to marry him any more than he really wants to marry you. Sorry to be so harsh; I've seen friends before where the girl has really wanted to get married and the guy has been very anti, and then they eventually split up and both marry fairly soon afterwards.

I also think the lack of open communication about the money and the marriage are indicative of a wider problem in the relationship. You will argue you have been open about marriage but you have said one thing and done another. So overall your communication on the subject has not been clear. (Nor, I should add, has his). If you can't just talk about the way you're feeling, and if he can't talk about the way he feels, perhaps it's time to have a rethink. For both of you.

Leverette Sun 04-Nov-12 12:04:17

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Leverette Sun 04-Nov-12 12:05:56

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Chubfuddler Sun 04-Nov-12 12:09:44

He's strung you along. You've allowed yourself to be strung. You need to decide whether being married is more important than being with him, married or not. If it is you need to leave, and mean it. It might be the wake up call he needs, or it may be curtains.

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Nov-12 12:11:18

I agree with Leverette - he's been awful. He's kept you hanging on, knowing that you want a commitment, but spoiling it for you completely by making you beg for it. Whatever you suggest, he dislikes - have you noticed that he wants bigger and better and then says it's a waste of money?

I don't know why you borrowed more than you needed. Can you give us some figures there? You should get the rest of that money off him immediately - there's no way he should have that. You should have got separate loans - I think you need to sort this out now.

Personally, I would want to be married before having a child with someone. I would want that commitment. I wouldn't want to beg someone to marry me, though; I think the relationship becomes uneven, then.

He clearly doesn't want to get married and he's been messing you about. I'd move on.

FermezLaBouche Sun 04-Nov-12 12:14:07

Forgive appalling typing, am on phone. I think he's spent the leftover mone and that kind of reckles dishonesty alone wold he a dealbreaker for me. You deserve someone who wants the same things you do out of life.

doctordwt Sun 04-Nov-12 12:16:27

One thing really stands out from your post. You say your alarm bells are ringing 'because that's the way your dad treated your mum and you don't want to end up like her'. BUT - in fact you're setting YOURSELF up for a relationship where exactly that happens! Think- you BOTH took out a loan, yet somehow HE now holds the purse strings on it and you don't even know whether your half of the money is still there? Wtf?! Why on earth has that money not gone straight into a joint account? Or half each into your individual accounts? Why the fuck do you not know what has happened to money that you are responsible for repaying, and why in holy hell's name is your partner able for a second to fob you off when you ask about it?

Before you think any further about a wedding I would think long and hard about that dynamic and how it came about. I don't like the sound of that exchange one bit. It ties in a fair bit with what the poster above has noted. He's taken complete control of the wedding thing too, hasn't he? You'd rather just be married, but it got cancelled...

As far as the wedding issue goes- I think he's fobbing you off. Simple as. I think you need to think very hard about what you want and especially about the family bit- how old are you? He's managing very well at deflecting you right now- personally I can't see a ring appearing, and I predict further excuses to come. That's his right, not to get married or have kids (as he said previously)- but what he doesn't have the right to do is stall and fob you off so that he gets what he wants, and you miss the boat. Now he may be a more decent fellow than that, but I'd advise you to look at the dynamic you've developed there with the money... and be very honest with yourself about how genuine a partner this man truly is.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sun 04-Nov-12 12:17:56

You may be getting married one day, but not to him sorry. It is quite clear that he does not want to marry you.

He is quite happy to string you along though, and dangle the marriage in front of you. He must feel on SUCH a power trip... Shitbag.

Chubfuddler Sun 04-Nov-12 12:18:51

Also, if you only used 2k of your half of the loan why was the rest in his bank account anyway? Why wasn't it split?

MortimersRaven Sun 04-Nov-12 12:20:50

Why on earth did you take out a loan to pay off your student loan?? Which is very low interest and doesn't affect your credit score, whereas other loans do...

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sun 04-Nov-12 12:21:02

He owes you money.

At the moment you have joint liability for a loan that that he has taken 2/3s of, and that you have shared responsibility for paying back.

Not only does he not want to marry you, he is quite happy to screw you over financially, spend money on himself, that YOU pay back with interest.

Not really great?

Ensure you get your money back before you split

FermezLaBouche Sun 04-Nov-12 12:24:44

Mortimers i think she paid off student overdraft rather than student loan.

TwllBach Sun 04-Nov-12 12:25:09

The money thing is a huuuge thing for me. I don't know why I feel like I can't just ask - maybe because I don't want him to think I don't trust him and because I don't want to admit to myself that after living with my parents and nearly losing the roof over our heads, twice, I could well have put myself on the same road as my mother.

Essentially, I want a marriage. A wedding would be lovely, but if there was a genuine reason for the money not being there and he said, lets elope, I would.

I probably haven't been as clear as I should. A lot of the time, though, I don't feel like I need to say anything because my wants haven't changed since I was 18 - I sound like a broken record, and more than a little bit desperate and pathetic.

The money thing though - I would have to leave. I can't forgive something like that. Incidentally, I vaguely recall asking why he thought we needed so much loan wise. I needed £2k, he needed £3.5k and the rest, im sure he said we could put towards a wedding.

He's never been questionable with money. That's why I've been thinking of other possibilities but that's becoming less and less likely.

NatashaBee Sun 04-Nov-12 12:26:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FermezLaBouche Sun 04-Nov-12 12:27:12

First priority - find out immediately where the rest of the money has gone. Unfortunately i would bet my salary he's spent it, knowing you dont dare ask him about it.

TwllBach Sun 04-Nov-12 12:31:17

A lot f the time I do feel like I'm living in a sort of bubble and then occasionally I catch on to myself and am so angry

If a friend came to me and said "my boyfriend won't give me my money" which is basically what this situation is, I would tell her to get out. It's not ok is it.

doctordwt Sun 04-Nov-12 12:32:53

What I'd do:

Raise holy hell about the loan. Demand that either your half less what has gone out on your loans is paid into your account, OR that you sign an agreement with a lawyer that he owes you whatever that balance is. I bet you'll get a lot of hurt puppy dog eyes and talk of how you're a team and a partnership and it's joint money... Then you can tell him that no it's not, is it? You aren't married yet because he doesn't want to be, so you'll have your half of the loan in your control just like the non-financially tied adult you still are. Thanks.

And once you've got that sorted, I'd be doing some long thinks about who is in charge in the relationship, whether you're actually getting out of it what you want from life or have any chance with him of that happening... and start putting your foot down with him about it. Which I reckon might well spell the end of it - but by the sound of it that would be no bad thing.

TwllBach Sun 04-Nov-12 12:32:53

I spent so long thinking I was running away from the life my parents lead/led and being proud of myself for getting out of it and breaking the cycle, for finding someone who "looked after" me and the more I get y life together the more I can see I've run slap bang in to a very similar situation.

Viviennemary Sun 04-Nov-12 12:34:21

The part I wasn't sure about. You took out a loan together and used some of it to pay of your student loan which was your debt really. I would work out which of the debts were joint and which were individual and then decide whether the money left was his or not. If you are not sure if the money is still there then ask to see it. It really does sound like he just doesn't want to get married. And this is really difficult for you which it would be for me too. It's fine if neither of you are very bothered about marriage but not fine if one wants to and the other is not keen.

marriedinwhite Sun 04-Nov-12 12:35:53

Big black marker pen; big deep line drawn in the sand.

You will get married but not to him; he sounds like a tosser and doesn't want to marry you. You have made it too easy for him. I know I'm old but if you really want to get married one day then why move in with your boyfriend. If a man wasn't committed enough to marry me and yes propose, buy the ring, set the date, I sure as heck wouldn't be committed enough to take out a lease, mortgage, joint debt of have a child with him.

You sound as though you are early to mid 20s - you have a life ahead of you. Enjoy it with someone who wants the same things from it as you.

doctordwt Sun 04-Nov-12 12:37:03

But he IS questionable with money. Why is your joint loan in his account and he feels its ok to spend a penny that hasn't been jointly agreed? Why did you not immediately get a straight answer to your question about it?

That is utterly dodgy, sorry. And I'm raising a wry smile at the sneakiness of a bloke who is slippery about every aspect of committing to a wedding...apart from the taking out of extra loan cash which then conveniently disappears into HIS bank account and seems somehow to have vanished from the public eye thereafter...

TwllBach Sun 04-Nov-12 12:40:29

The loan thing:

The current loan is for seven thousand. It was his idea to take it out because he had a credit card for £3k and has been only paying the interest back on for the last four years, plus a £500 overdraft.

I had a £1.5k student overdraft plus £500 left on a small loan that I took out so we could move for a teaching job I got for last September on the other side of the country. We didn't go in the end, so I was paying that off.

DP suggested we took out a loan, paid off our respective debts and used the rest to out towards a wedding, although he did also say we would split it down the middle. He has used his £3.5k to clear his debts and I used £2k to clear mine. There is £1.5 outstanding, that theoretically should be mine, even if I did use it to go towards a wedding (that has yet to be agreed on.) I haven't seen it as the loan was paid in to his account.

The more I think about it, the more angry I am with myself because I have let it get this way.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sun 04-Nov-12 12:43:42

Tell him it is not fair that you are responsible for repaying half of a 7k loan, with interest, when you strictly speaking has only borrowed 2k, and he got the remaining 5k. Tell him you feel that he has taken 3k more than you, and out of this your 1.5k, and it is not right that he holds on to the money.

FermezLaBouche Sun 04-Nov-12 12:44:17

Make up your mind to ask him TODAY. If it causes shit you know hes got something to hide.

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