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I don't think that DH and I "like" one another

(11 Posts)
pamelat Sun 04-Nov-12 09:52:53

Together for 12 years. Friends for a few years before that
Married for 5.5 years
Children aged 4 and 2

DH, nor I, are bad people. Neither has done anything "wrong" no other people are involved

Pre children we got on really well. Our relationship was always more heavily weighted to friendship, but I was happy with that. we rarely argued and life was good.

I think when dd arrived we still got on. It was hard work as she had reflux and was difficult baby but we muddled through.

When ds arrived I remember being resentful, probably for the first time? I can't remember

I was one constantly breastfeeding and up all night whilst he had fun with dd

It no longer felt like "us" and our children but more an allocation of duty.

I'm trying to think when I shut off and I think it was then, over 2 years ago

I felt low and frumpy. He started looking at porn and I found out and that was a big issue for me. It had happened before with promises not to do it again but this time I felt bad about my own body image, so that hurt

Now I have no idea if he still looks, I don't think so, but it wouldn't bother me so much. I feel detached most of the time

We squabble about daily chores and bigger issues, like our parents and our children's behaviour.

I think we irritate one another on a daily basis. Silly things like yesterday he paid to park where if he'd bothered to get the card stamped, it would have been free

Stupid things but they annoy me, I shouldn't let it as I nag and he hates that, but how lazy not to save £3 to stamp a price of paper?

I find him indifferent, oblivious, selfish, disinterested

He finds me neurotic (about the children), boring and nagging.

My moods do swing and I know that

We live in a nice house, we are lucky, we work hard (me part time) life isn't easy as our youngest doesn't sleep well and working/childcare is expensive and tricky

I just know if all relationships end up like this or whether it will pass. I've mentioned counselling but he's not keen, says he'd feel like we'd failed. I wonder if we have anyway?

It's not awful, we aren't nasty , we just divide our lives. For the last 3 months we tend to end up in separate rooms. He snores/drinks and I can't swtjch off.

chocoluvva Sun 04-Nov-12 10:14:33

I just have to post, pamelat as your description of you and your DH sounds extremely like mine, except that my DC are eleven years older than yours.

I'm sorry I don't have a lot of advice except that babies/little children tend to put a strain on relationships and hopefully you'll find that as they get older the time pressure eases off a bit. DH and I definitely have a better relationship now than when our DC were the age of yours. But I wouldn't say we have a good relationship - though it's not AWFUL.

I don't nag - used to - as it doesn't work, and have accepted that DH doesn't care about lots of little things like your parking incident, but it still annoys me nearly every day (which can't be very good for my health).

I try to focus on DH's good qualities, remind myself of the negatives about other DH's I know and remember that I can be difficult to live with too. That helps me, but it's hard going.

What are your DH's good qualities?

pamelat Sun 04-Nov-12 10:21:10

Lots of good qualities

He is a nice guy
He loves our children
He's reliable
He helps a lot with children and house
He's confident and easy going

I read somewhere that the things that first attract you to someone are those that end up annoying you. DH's easy going attitude was the big draw for me and I can see how it's that that now drives me insane

He probably liked that I was quite emotional as his family nor ex girlfriends were that. Now I'd imagine that annoys him!!

It's not terrible but just seems a shame as neither of us are happy, except for having 2 amazing children of course.

He's going away for a week with work. Whilst I'll miss his help I'm quite looking forward to the space. That seems a bit sad?

Thank you

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 04-Nov-12 10:25:34


What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. This is not an ideal model for them to be copying is it?. They pick up on all the vibes between their dad and yourself.

He sounds passive aggressive; the car park incident was done deliberately by him to get back at you.

Do you think that if it was not for the children you would have left long ago?.

Do you think you should be together now?.

Have you considered that maybe he is the root cause of your mood swings.

If your children were to model a relationship like yours is as adults, how would you feel?.

If he won't go to counselling (and I really not surprised to read that as he gets what he wants out of this, he does not want things to change so his talk of feeling like he'd failed is rot) then go on your own.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 04-Nov-12 10:28:25

"He is a nice guy
He loves our children
He's reliable
He helps a lot with children and house
He's confident and easy going"

You find him indifferent, oblivious, selfish and disinterested. That completely jars with the above description.

Perhaps the above is also wishful thinking on your part as I see no real evidence of any of the above based on your initial post.

Anyway what do YOU think and feel about him now. The above are all generalisations.

Redsilk Sun 04-Nov-12 10:30:04

Pam, interesting observation on the things that attract being the things that drive you apart later. Ex-dh and I had a similar situation to yours. 4 years post divorce, I'm much happier today or, better, today I am happy, full-stop.
But it was really hard to separate initially when we had so much agreement about the kids.
It's not an easy situation, and wish I had better advice to you...

chocoluvva Sun 04-Nov-12 10:39:49

My DH was away for two days recently and I enjoyed it too! Which I agree seems wrong, though, to be positive about it everybody was happy so it sort of feels like a win win situation.
I have a friend who seems to have a very good rel with her DH who got a job in another town recently (after redundancy). She says she doesn't mind him being away through the week as she enjoys the peace and tidiness!

I completely know what you mean about the initial attraction of an "easy going attitude" and your more emotional temperament - are you sure you're not me? If we didn't have DC I think we'd have gone our separate ways by now. I wanted the security of a reliable partner when I got married.

Hopefully someone will come along with some better advice for you OP.

chocoluvva Sun 04-Nov-12 10:42:04

Sorry slow typing - I don't mean the other posters aren't giving good advice.

janesnowdon1 Sun 04-Nov-12 10:42:50

It sounds as if your relationship is in trouble. I know for me detaching to the point that porn etc did not bother me and being relieved if he was away are indicators that you do need to take back control.

You could insist on counselling together if he wants to save things - his refusal to go paradoxically means things may of course fail. As others suggested if you can afford it have some counselling on your own to help clarify your thoughts and make plans. You could also try reading books such as "Too good to leave, too bad to stay"

dequoisagitil Sun 04-Nov-12 11:01:11

I think you should insist on going to relationship counselling as it seems like the marriage will get more distant (and that'll lead onto affairs or just complete emotional disconnection) unless you do a reset. It may be the kick he needs to try harder.

The drinking - does he have a problem?

pamelat Sun 04-Nov-12 21:53:27

Thank you

I'll order the book, and knowing it's not just me helps too. Although I'm sorry that your in a similar, but more level??, relationship chocco

I have twice in 5 years spoken to my GP re depression as maybe this detachment is depression? The problem is that I don't seem depressed. I don't know if I am, it's like everything is dulled.

Who knows which causes which?

DH is all those good things in life, and to our kids, but not to me anymore but I think that's circular too, because I nag or worse, switch off

He drinks every night, a glass or 2 of wine. I raise it occasionally from a health point of view but that's seen as nagging too. Neither of us can win at the moment ....

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