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mobile phone bill run up from in prison by OH?

(28 Posts)
Listaddict Sat 03-Nov-12 23:03:52

I didn't know what to put in the subject title so put the gist of it.

Been in a shit relationship from the start really. It suited me though as someone crappy hmself wouldn't have an expectations of me, so I was allowed to drift downwards without OH giving me grief. Crap relationship. He's been in an out of prison and seriously does not give a shit about me.

I'm waffling now. Just so upset so please bear with me.

My time was occupied trying to help him, suited me as it diverted all the grief from me. But, I can see now how utterly sad it was. Why did I put up with it? He's done nothing ever. I have to take care of absolutely every single damn thing. He cares nothing for anything. He parks his car wherever and when the PCNs come through doesn't care and so I'm lumbered with the bailiffs. Gosh that was so scary as I had to give them £700 and ever since I'm so scared of every knock on the door.

So, I gave him a contract phone. He went to court and ended up sentenced and in custody. Doesn't affect me. But kids were and are distraught. I couldn't give a shit especially as I didn't have to watch my purse, card, stuff going missing etc. Anyway, I found out from my bank statement that the mobile company had charged me just under £400. I'd cancelled it as soon as he'd got locked up but phone company saying they have no record and will get back to me. I save pennies and then this.
I looked at the itemised calls and lots had been made in the early hours of the morning. I phoned one of the number. It was a female. She was being reasonable, she said the phone was being distributed in prison. I hadn't mentioned anything about prison. I sound 'respectable / posh' on the phone so she deinately didnt get the prison part from me. She said someone had smuggled it in. Which does happen as I called the prison.

When the shit OH called I started screaming a him and he said the guy at the court took it off him. Now that is bullshit because even if he did, why would a security guard at court then give it to someone going to prison? So, he smuggled it in didnt he? I asked the girl who the guy was she said she wouldn't give me that info (but the nationality was completely different to OH). The other numbers - 2 more were women too. All this time I've put up with his shit, done every singke damn thing, every thing so I don't even have time to comb my hair and then he does this.Even from fu**ing prison.

I don't know why I'm upset. Three months he's been in and I've not written but part of me thought he may just be changing this time. He denies anything but he wouldn wouldn't he? People I've told have told me not to jump to conclusions. But what other conclusion is there? The calls all took place in the space of 9 days. So, I'm figuring that he had a conscience after then. But none of the calls were to me obviously or to the kids.

I just feel like such a stupid, stupid cow. People told me I had the pick of the guys and I ended up with such shit. I want to walk away but have so much stress going on at the moment and was relying on him to hopefully help me out physically with a house move when he was due to be released. I just feel so, utterly hopeless. I feel like there's another life out there but I just don;t know how to get across to it.

I don't even know why I'm writing on here. Just can't stop crying when I think about it. But it's not even like I love him.

dondon33 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:20:29

I don't have anything very constructive to say but stop being his doormat love.
You say he's done nothing for you- that's because HE is a big fat NOTHING.
This waste of space is not worth your time or energy, If I were you I'd keep him out of your life from now on. Move on and find someone who deserves you because he certainly doesn't.

tallwivglasses Sun 04-Nov-12 08:02:35

I don't think I've ever read a post that exudes so much low self- esteem. What makes you think this shit of a man is all you deserve?

Chubfuddler Sun 04-Nov-12 08:09:13

Seriously there is no way in which you and the children would not be better off without this cock lodger in your lives. If you're maried start divorce proceedings - they can be sent to the prison. If you're not just write to him inside and tell him the relationship is over. Just get rid.

Coconutter Sun 04-Nov-12 08:09:55

Read your post back to yourself. Then run, as fast as you can, away from this lowlife. There is nothing at all that is reason enough for you to even contemplate giving him the time of day. You are better than that and you are stronger than you think.

mutny Sun 04-Nov-12 08:12:28

The phone isn't really an issue imo. He is only exhibiting his usual behaviour.

I am actually concerned about the effect all this is having on your kids. He is a twat of the highest order and abusive. Your self esteem is so low you are subjecting your children to him. Is he their dad?
What has been happening to them while you spiral down?

regarding the phone though. Hr has possibly smuggled it in. But prison officers are not all whiter than white. It would be unusual for an officer to remove it from him at court and happen to smuggle it in to the same prison that your oh is in.
Also when they remove their belongings at court/ booking in at prison everything is recorded Nd sign for by the prisoner. So the mobile number and serial number and make/ model will have been recorded. If its not on that list, he didn't hand it over. If it is on the list then he did and someone stole it. Simple really.

Redsilk Sun 04-Nov-12 08:13:24

Listaddict, you really gotta move on with life, girl! Go treat yourself right and spend your time on others who will too!
You know the guy is a loser which is already an important step. So start to walk away, and then...run!

tribpot Sun 04-Nov-12 08:24:09

As is often the case on these threads, I don't think you can see the bigger picture here and have focused on one very narrow problem which is diverting your attention. This man sounds truly awful, why on earth would you expose your children to such a crappy human being? You say "Doesn't affect me. But kids were and are distraught." - as if that doesn't matter. As if you couldn't stop that.

You sound utterly defeated. Please start to make some changes for the better. What on earth could it possibly matter whether or not he was phoning other people in prison? He is draining your spirit and your finances, has done god only knows what to be sent to prison, and your children are caught in the cross-fire.

You don't need him to help you with a house move. If you hadn't spent hundreds of pounds on his bills you would have been able to afford a removal firm. So do that now. Cut all ties from him and preferably move whilst he's inside, with the hopes of being more difficult to find when he gets out. Because he will be back then, looking to see how much more money he can bleed out of you.

You need to rescue yourself from this. All that energy you've put in to managing his problems for him - turn that to yourself. You clearly can manage a crisis, you've just chosen the wrong one to care about. You are important.

LivesInJeans Sun 04-Nov-12 08:35:23

a poem

You need to see this man (and others like him) for the hole they are
Only you can make a change here

MummysHappyPills Sun 04-Nov-12 08:36:23

You need to do 2 things. Firstly, report to the police that this phone has been used it prison, then get some evidence from them to this effect to show your mobile phone company. I really don't think you should be liable for a phone that should never have been able to have been used in the first place. And don't back down on the fact you cancelled it anyway. This happened to a friend of mine. They failed to block it when she reported in stolen and they tried to bill her! But in the end they backed down.

Then get rid of this useless piece of shit. Please. I don't know what has happened on your life that putting up with this kind of shit is better than dealing with your feelings, but please get help. You are worth so much more than him. sad

Walkacrossthesand Sun 04-Nov-12 08:38:20

Excellent point, tribpot - OP, do you really think this man will physically help you move when he comes out?! As asked above - are you legally married, are the DCs his? If not there is absolutely nothing stopping you using the time he's inside to move, and start your new life without this oxygen thief.

ErikNorseman Sun 04-Nov-12 08:40:22

You can pay people to help you move house. I don't understand why you are upset either- this is what he is, why do you imagine he will change? You either accept he is a useless irresponsible (criminal) piece of shit and live with that, or you leave him. I feel a bit sorry for your kids tbh, they will be getting horrible life lessons from watching you two.

colditz Sun 04-Nov-12 08:43:40

You realise it would be so very much cheaper to pay a couple of people to help you move house than it will be to let this blood sucker do it for free?

Whenever I contribute to these threads, these "he's a lawbreaking, ignorant violent abusive cunt but I lurve him" threads, I always want to show the op my boyfriend. He's not perfect, nobody is, but he wouldn't treat his worst enemy the way this wanker is treating you, and that is because he is a nice person with a sense of decency. There are actually a lot of them around. You should ditch the loser, and go find one.

Ps don't think for a second that your children will ever think badly of you for cutting contact with someone who brings bailiffs to your door and goes to jail. They won't.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sun 04-Nov-12 08:46:39

Please leave him. Move on with your life. Don't him a backwards glance. Do you really want your children brought up with this uncertainty? What an existance, not a life, you are leading at the moment. You say you don't love him, so what is there to stay for? The kids will soon forget he existed.

colditz Sun 04-Nov-12 08:49:23

There is another life, you are so right about that, and I do understand you feel trapped, but that is your low self esteem talking, it is you thinking you don't really deserve a better life and therefore shouldn't do anything about getting yourself one.

Your self esteem is wrong about you!

Step one. Move house. Without any intervention from the man in prison. Save up a bit and post on Facebook, offering what you can afford cash in hand, asking for help moving. There are plenty of people needing money, and don't make the mistake of writing someone off because they are female. I am female and strong as an ox.

Step two. Make a life that he doesn't fit into. If he has left you with debts in YOUR name, contact a debt management company. If he has left debts in HIS name, do nothing at all because its not your problem, really not, despite what dodgy bailiffs would have you believe, they just want the money.

But concentrate on step one.

mutny Sun 04-Nov-12 08:56:10

hopefully help me out physically with a house move when he was due to be released

This is an excuse not to call it a day. Whatever your issues are (and I do get the self esteem issues) do not subject your children to this man any longer. You may not think much of yourself, but what about the kids? How much do you think about them.
I think you need long term help, like counselling to realise your true worth. But this takes a while. For now concentrate on what you want for you kids. Sort the move, end it with him and look into counselling.

MrsDeVere Sun 04-Nov-12 08:56:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Listaddict Sun 04-Nov-12 09:49:38

Hi. Thanks for the posts. I fell asleep with a banging headache, crying and reading dollys thread. Woke up to the kids playing, feeling a tiny tiny bit more stronger and then these posts set me off.

I kept waking through the night reminding myself to check the itemised bills and check which slag he was so desperate to call as soon as he was banged up and then lying to me and his family that he had no money to call anyone when he first went in. I didn't care but I cared the children were upset. He has always denied anything with any other woman saying that he hadn't time.

When he called yesterday with me screaming at him he obviously denied it all. And started on me saying he was sick of my temper. The day before he'd asked me to get a personalised card for this guy inside who's name just happened to be similar to his nickname with the first letter different. I'd kicked off with him about that telling him did he think I was stupid and to show me an official letter of that guys name. Why did I care? I think even though I want to leave him I want it to be me leaving him not him leaving me when I'm at absolute rock bottom in every way. And this latest shit it feels likeness screwed me over again emotionally and financially.

The kids adore him because I pay him to be the bestest father to them. I PAY him to be. Literally I pay him to spend time with them when he was wanting to go somewhere else. But they don't know that and obviously thinks mums the cow who gets them nothing and dad gets them new this new that. I dug my own grave there. So obviously they can't wait for dad to be home. We've done three months without him and I'm sure they'll survive if he was out of our lives but itsthe emotional aspects. Ds is very bright at school but started acting up when oh got locked up. My youngest become more clingy asking for everyone when daddy was going to be home. Everyone,aka family, says I should leave things be for the kids sake as hes going to be released soon and also he may be telling the truth about not knowing anything and may have changed. I'm in two minds about whether to really screw things up for him and go to the police, prison etc or should I suck it all in and make myself stronger first before I leave. We're not married thank god. I wasn't that stupid in one way.

I know where I want to be, I daydream and fantasise about having a normal life all the time. It's just the getting there.

Should I call the numbers on the list?

LivesInJeans Sun 04-Nov-12 09:52:57

No!

Take a different path

Stop connecting with him

Stop kidding yourself he's a good father

Why are you ignoring all the advice you are given and then saying 'how to get there' about a different life?

mutny Sun 04-Nov-12 09:59:02

Really? No you shouldn't. He is a shit dad. what does it matter who these people are. He is a shit. Completly.
the phone company will not back down unless you tell them the truth, they won't believe the truth unless you report it to the police.

Why are you still protecting him and not your kids?

colditz Sun 04-Nov-12 10:00:20

No.disengage from the things he is doing in prison. He's behaviour is no longer your problem. You have no need to know who he has been calling or why. Your children will understand when they are older, but for now, part of being a parent is doing what is best even when children cry for what's worst for them.

Move house, tell them daddy is in prison because he broke the law, and don't initiate contact with this useless waste of air again.

MrsDeVere Sun 04-Nov-12 10:05:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mybabyseyes Sun 04-Nov-12 10:22:39

You seem to have ignored the advice people have given you and you are still focused on this phone! Write it off and move on. You think the kids are better off with a dad who doesn't care about the effect of his behaviour on them? What happens when they are older and start copying his emotionally abusive behaviour. I hope you listen but unfortunately I suspect you won't & your kids will have to suffer the consequences of your decisions for the rest of their lives.sad

Listaddict Sun 04-Nov-12 10:57:21

Hi. Oh just phoned. Story changed again. Not phoned numbers because i cant be bothered. It goes round and round. So what if there's another woman they're welcome to him. There's a reason I haven't slept with him for over 6months and that's cos he makes me puke.
As I've said to him, I could go to the gutter and find better crap than him. I don't give children what they want because I think about their health, teeth,etc so why should this be any different. I'm going to look at the bigger picture and longer term. They deserve better. If he does the give a crappy about them of his own accord then I've got to make sure I'm a better mum who tries her best to make sure they don't suffer or miss out.
He's done nothing ever so i wont behind missing anything at all. Or suffering in anyway. The only difference is that I don't have that cushion to say it's ok to be on benefits and sit and home alone while my life goes even more down the pan. I have amazing, healthy children. I don't even care whether he feels the loss of me or not. My ego where he's concerned has got to step down. I'm going to be better than I've ever been. Now just need to stick to that. When I get that money back from the mobile company I'm treating me and the kids. I am going to change. I love my kids too much not to. X

Chubfuddler Sun 04-Nov-12 11:04:15

The phone is irrelevant. Who he is or is not phoning is irrelevant. You've made some crap choices in life for example getting involved with this oxygen thief for a start, but for gods sake don't write off the rest if your life as some sort of self punishment for your mistakes. GET OUT.

I can only imagine the people around you urging you not to jump to conclusions and give him the benefit of the doubt are doing do because to them he is absolutely normal. I can tell you he is NOT normal and you don't have to live like this. And your children shouldn't have to live like this. Do you have a son? Do you want him to grow up in a life of petty crime? Do you have a daughter? Do you want her to live with a man like her father ?

Your children will model their lives on you. Or they will judge you.

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