Confused

[SatNightIn]

Need somewhere to vent about my partners behaviour after an argument we had today. A bit of backgound - we don't have a close relationship, sleeping in separate rooms for 2 years now (because he didn't like me nudging him when he snored) and i find him difficult to communicate with  - has a bad temper and snaps if i get my words muddled which happens sometimes because i get a bit nervous trying to talk to him. Is very intolerant and critical of people, forgetful and absent minded though does very well at work. He also has a strained relationship with his family and keeps his distance and since i have no close family near, I did not have much support with our son when he was small so there is a lot of lingering resentment on my part, mainly due to exhaustion and feeling alone. 

Had counselling over the summer on my own but he thinks the problems in our relationship are mine so he wasn't interested in coming though supportive of me going.

 So to cut a long story short - had a bad night with our son who was up for 3 hours. He sleeps with me since there's no where else for him to sleep and wakes often at night. I deal with most of night time wakings but often get tired and strung out. Have been working too for 3 months and since i started work our son has become more clingy. Today i snapped - i was tired and irritable and wanted a break and was getting annoyed with DS who was being clingy ( he's generally very happy and fun - we both adore him). Wanted partner to take him out (which he doesnt do much on his own but thats another story). My partner started telling me off for the way i was talking to our son. Told me i have a problem, i should have thought about all this before I decided to have children. I felt hurt and angry and things escalated into a heated argument which stopped when i yelled at my partner that i just wanted help with DS. He calmed down, said we both had different pressures (his being work and i don't understand how much pressure he's under) went out and came back with cakes though no verbal apology for the hurtful things he said. Have been feeling down all day about it - and mentally exhausted. Am i being over sensitive? Things like this happen often and i find it draining. Discussions get me nowhere - either no response or blame. He's very black and white and not up for unravelling misunderstandings. Things are one way or they're not. I can see that he's not happy and niether am I but don't know how to change things as communucation is hard -advice needed.

[cheekydevil]

What are you getting from this relationship?

[Wecanfixit]

He sounds controlling and overbearing just what as cheekydevil says are you gaining from being with a man who is putting you down all the time and undermining your confidence?, I know it is scary to change and take the plunge to do something about your life , but it is up to you to decide if you want to or can continue in a negative relationship like this and the effect it is having on you DC, THINK ABOUT IT, write a list down on paper the positives and the negatives to help you see what is going on in your life , I hope you have a good friend if not we are here you are not alone , take care good luck.

[Lueji]

You get nervous trying to talk to him.

You have a problem?

And he it out and got cakes, but did he take your dc out, or even helped?

It doesn't sound healthy, no.

[CogitoErgoSparklers]

"Discussions get me nowhere - either no response or blame."

You can't take a relationship forward with someone who has, on the one hand, stopped engaging and, on the other, thinks that they are never in the wrong. That is the way to dominate, intimidate and crush someone... not the behaviour of a loving & equal partner.

I think you'd be better off spending at least some time apart. Give you both chance to work out what you want out of life... because currently it doesn't sound like each other.

[ErikNorseman]

This isn't a relationship - sorry. There is nothing there to fix.

[SatNightIn]

Thankyou for all the responses. Feeling much better after posting, and clearer headed which is a huge help. I don't have close friends or family nearby so its good to find somewhere to get feedback. I do agree with CogitoErgoSparklers that its not an equal relationship and we need time apart.

@CheekyDevil, I get from a roof over my head and interesting company when moods are good. In the early days we had a great relationship but now I feel like I live with a stroppy teenager who can,t be bothered with the day to day running of their life and I often feel more like his caretaker than a partner. Its as though he wants me here to sort out the day to day while he escapes to his world of work and hobbies. However, I am aware that i also contribute to the negativity in our relationship by distancing myself. Its a downward spiral - i distance myself when i see the negative behaviour and he reponds to my distancing and ambivalence with more negativity = no relationship. 

@Lueji, after saturday's argument he did take ds out for an hour and was more helpful with chores over the weekend. But i can still count on one finger the no of times he's taken ds somewhere on his own beyond the local parks. He is very anxious/intolerant and just doesn't cope with transport/crowds/ travelling generally. Rarely takes him to see his grandmother who's only a half hour drive away so she's always arranging visits through me. Has been suggested to me that he's ADD - there's definately something going on, a cog missing somewhere but i can't put my finger on it. My own family background is full of eccentric and detached behviour so its all very familiar.

The next step I think is to sit down with him and have an honest talk about where we're at - or not, and how his behaviour makes me feel. So far I've tip toed around but a more direct approach is definately needed. I'm sure it won't be easy so you'll probably be seeing more posts from me very soon. Thanks again for your support!

[YuffieKisaragi]

I agree, being nervous of talking to your partner does not make a good relationship. My partner doesn't like it when I nudge him for snoring either but we don't sleep in separate rooms for it.
Talking to him frankly sounds like a very good idea. Make sure he doesn't try to detail the.conversation, just a calmly state that these are the things you feel are problematic.
Good luck!

[SatNightIn]

A few months on and we've decided to split. mY partner is blaming me for relationship breakdown and is worried about the effect on our son if I move out (so am I) but won't do anything to try to help or fix the relationship. Keep asking him to come to counselling but not interested.

Feeling awful, guilty and desperately want to leave as I find it easier to manage when he's not around, so much less stressful, but he's not doing anything to help move things in any direction. Just wants me to feel like the guiltyy party it seems.

I'm looking at living nearby so he can be involved as much as possible but will have to rely on him if I stay local as housing very expensive here. And not comfortable relying on him as I just found out he spent a quarter of our joint savings on his hobby and he doesn't think the money side is important ( i just asked and he went into a monologue about my apparent total lack of empathy before saying he'd do whatever's the norm, though the norm sounds like alot to him). I'm shaking as i type, very upset. Guess he's worried about not seeing ds but don't feel staying in a dead relationship is an option.

Need some support and clear head about what I'm doing.

[LemonPeculiarJones]

You're doing the right thing. Stay strong. You know you need to do this for you and for DS.

Get a solicitor involved immediately, get statements of savings and all monies right now, get your practical head on.

Well done. Not easy. He won't make it easy. But do it regardless.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I would suggest you plan your life to be as separate from this bully as possible. You son is already described as 'clingy' which I'm sure is because he's picking up on your STBXP's nasty behaviour, he's blown your savings on rubbish and I think you should get far, far away and start building a great life for yourself as a strong, independent woman.

Second the suggestion to get a good solicitor. Whilst planning a life for yourself that doesn't involve him more than is absolutely necessary, you still want to make sure he contributes to your DS's upbringing financially and that you walk away from the relationship with as much as possible.

You say he's worried about not seeing DS but selfish bullies are usually only thinking of themselves. Don't be surprised if he disappears out of DS's life eventually...

[SundaysGirl]

Thing is it is only possible to have a rational, healthy discussion with someone who is prepared to come at it from that angle with you. Good communication takes two people, you cannot do it all yourself. And it sounds as though he is not willing to have that sort of healthy communication and settling of issues with you.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

we don't have a close relationship... i get a bit nervous trying to talk to him

I read this and thought, don't know if you have a religious faith OP and believe in life after death but please do have a life before death.

Now you have made an important decision and next step is to see a solicitor. Your H would have been content to fester along while you wilted, he's the selfish one. He may be a better parent to your DS when he is on his own than when he conspicuously fails to be a loving husband.

[SatNightIn]

Thankyou for all your supportive words, really helps : ). Much less stressed.

Partner's mood made a big swing the next day and i came home from work to a cooked dinner, and even had ds bathed and ready for bed (!!) . Said he'd read through the info on maintenance i sent him so now feeling a bit silly for getting upset. He's still in good mood today but this is what makes it so confusing, the nasty/nice behaviour, more ok mood than bad but still avoids doing or talking through anything - just buries his head in hobbies and books then gets stroppy when he hears something he doesn't like. Like living with a teenager! Apologised for spending the savings too, claimed he didn't realise was joint as was in an account in his name. Doesn't make it better though and I know he won't replace it.

Have spoken to solicitors - and letting agents. Feeling better though head bursting with thinking about all the practicalities.

Ds asked me today if I like Daddy : (.

[BOF]

You are doing the right thing. Honestly, this will all get so much better.