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I need to get out don't I but how?

(17 Posts)
lancs22 Sat 03-Nov-12 21:20:25

Things have not been great between us for a while.
Probably started to notice things after death of my mum a year ago. Although he was there in person to support me at funeral emotionally I didn't feel supported. Eg I was on the computer the evening of the funeral crying and he asked me if i was watching something sad.
However, I let that go and we went on to have another child (not planned)
Since than things have got much worse.
He has been making comments about how is is working for us for the last x years when actually for much of that time I was working too. Plus I had a house too before we met.
Often says things like "I am the only one with brains in this house"
He shouted and swore at me in from of BIL. (after pregnancy)
However, since birth of dd, 6 weeks ago he has I think crossed the line.
Frequently says things were better before she came. This week he went as far as to say he wished she had been aborted and worse said he wanted to throw her off a cliff.
Older dd was also being difficult and wanted to go swimming. (d)h wanted to do something else. We agreed to split up and (D)h said hope you drown and you can take newborn dd with you.
Now he is behaving as if everything is fine. It probably is for him as he is back home and can play his computer games etc.
I really want out but feel trapped due to having a house with huge mortgage etc.
Any help or advice appreciated.

bringupthebabies Sat 03-Nov-12 21:26:38

I think you have got to get out or you'll just get increasingly ground down with your charmer of a h.

First step, go to a solicitor and find out what you will come out of the marriage with.

Next, work out your likely income and any benefits you might get (Citizens Advice might help with that).

And try to get some breaks away from him - go out when he's there, catch up with any friends/rellies that will have you and DCs to stay.

Plan your exit and you'll feel much better just for that.

Shapechanger Sat 03-Nov-12 21:30:28

I often think people on here are a bit heavy handed with the 'leave the bastard' advice.

But you need to leave this bastard as soon as you possibly can. Threatening to throw a baby off a cliff? Saying he hopes you and your daughter drown?

Call Women's Aid, go to a relative, I really wouldn't want to stay under the same roof as this man another night.

Good luck and so sorry you are going through this.

lancs22 Sat 03-Nov-12 21:44:02

TBh I don't actually thinks he means the stuff about the cliff etc but I know this can't continue. I know i need to get out or he needs to get help.

lucyellenmum Sat 03-Nov-12 21:49:45

Is he quite well? i mean, he threatened to throw her off a cliff??? For him to even be thinking this is madness. I think you need to get your children away from this man - i don't think he will act on his threats but he sounds unstable sad

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 03-Nov-12 22:33:27

I may get flame for this..

But I have lost kids and I can honestly say hand on heart..I would have smashed his fucking face in packed his stuff and kicked his arse out the door, whilst simultaneously phoning his parents and telling them what he said.

he is a sick, stupid man child who doesnt deserve to share the air those babys breath.

lancs22 Sat 03-Nov-12 22:34:05

Hope you drown was to dd and newborn dd. Fortunately i don't think she heard.
Fortunately he is out tonight. back tomorrow. I will be out than with dc.
Must be ill to say that really.

amillionyears Sat 03-Nov-12 22:55:22

Do you mean he is back in your house and playing computer games, or gone back to his mums and is playing computer games.

Right now you cannot rely on him. It sounds like he is willing to hang around so long as he can do more or less exactly what he wants to do.

lancs22 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:04:32

Was home earlier. Now out for evening for his mums birthday party. I sent apologies. Staying over aswell.

lancs22 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:08:14

I think talking to his mum is a good idea. I am sure she knows he can be a bit bad tempered at tmes but I am sure she wolud be shocked too.

lancs22 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:08:47

Sorry for you loss guiltypleasures

Listaddict Sat 03-Nov-12 23:10:10

You care about the children first and foremost right. He doesn't. Leave him. Anyone who cares that little doesnt deserve to have them. Mine was the same cos he had other selfish priorities.

Sorry I can't be of any practical help. I hope you manage to find a way through. Hugs x

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:12:21

Thanks Lancs..

None of my post was pointed at you, he has crossed a line though that no parent should ever. Even if it was spoken in god forbid jest or anger.

i wouldnt leave the kids in his care etc ever again.

If I had a dp that said this about my kids, i would shut the door on him and never look back, I cant think of any excuse he could give to come back from this.

Flojo1979 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:17:08

Sounds to me like u r going to stay and hope he changes. He won't. People that vile don't suddenly change. If u can't put your needs first, at least think of your children. I second he wouldn't be allowed to breath the same air as the children. While he's at his mums, I'd pack his bags, change the locks and ring his mum and tell her exactly what her son is and tell her she better keep him there and make sure he behaves.

Mollydoggerson Sat 03-Nov-12 23:21:40

Go to the police, he sounds unstable.

rhondajean Sat 03-Nov-12 23:29:50

He does not sound well at all. I'd like to think he is ill not evil. Either way you need him away from you and dds ASAP.

Big hugs.

seaofyou Sun 04-Nov-12 00:31:55

He sounds aggrieved because you had another baby he did not want.

i wouldnt leave the kids in his care etc ever again. - Guiltypleasures001 (hugs) is 110% correct! He will hurt your dd2 if you stay.

' hope you drown and you can take newborn dd with you.' -like you wrote Lancs this was YOU and DD2 your (D? 'E')h meant!!

Get to a WA refuge, or family/friends... police wont do anything without evidence ie bruised child! But they will report it to Social Services who will rightly take your dd's to a safe place with or without you (unless (E)h persuades SS you are lying and he gets full custody).

If you want to stay and risk it at least try and catch some evidence on your mobile of him saying this evil stuff again and then go to police...they may act then...unless you live in my area that is!

My ex felt the same about his ds and hurt him, ds disclosed it to the police and I was accused of making it up...hence my negative views of police!

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