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In need of some support

(27 Posts)
Nomorepain Sat 03-Nov-12 19:06:39


Sat here having a big cry. This time last year I was 20 weeks pregnant with 3yo ds and found out my husband was cheating. He left us for ow then returned just before Christmas. He then left us 5 weeks after ds was born. He was horrible to me. Right from when I found out about affair to now. He is being as difficult as he can about everything - always turns up late to see kids, says I've got no right to house because he is paying bills (I'm in maternity leave but couldn't afford house on my own anyway, rubbing my face in it that he has been going on dates, went on holiday for 3 weeks when ds started shook although he promised him he would be there, took my car off me (gave it back later). He wont reply to any of my solicitor letters for a divorce ad refuses to sort a solicitor out to represent him. He seems tithing that because he pays for things (because I reduced my hours to look after the kids) that he can do what the hell he likes. It is all about control with him.

He was due to get children at 10.30 today. He turned up at 12 and text me demanding to know where we were. He let himself in the house, made a drink, made himself some lunch, watched the tv and set programmes to record - basically treated it like e still lives here. He then picked he kids up and ha them for few hours before returning half hour early with them.

I just said to him that it isn't his house anymore and I don't want him walking in whenever he wants. He saunas long as he pays bills he can do what the f he likes. He then said he will have kids in 2 weeks time and will have them in the house overnight and I can F off out of the house because I have no right to it - that he pas for it for the kids not me. He said he sees me as a live in nanny.

I'm so upset now. I am doing everything I can to keep my children happy. I absolutely cannot stand him. I have now arranged to go back to work early and get a nanny to have children just so I can get some money coming in. What can I do to get some control back. Really cannot take this.

SanctuaryMoon Sat 03-Nov-12 19:35:42

I'm so sorry to read this. I have no advice but couldn't not respond. I hope someone with some advice will be along soon sad

SmallSherryforMedicinal Sat 03-Nov-12 19:55:03

God love you. What an absolute sack of shit that man is. I'm so sorry. No advice but could not read and run. I really hope things improve for you - do you have any family support?

Nomorepain Sat 03-Nov-12 20:02:21

No family support. Just a brother and a dad who are not great at helping me. Was really close with his family but blood is thicker than water!

Could really do with some legal advice. I've got a legal aid solicitor but the circumstances around our finances are complicated as he is high earning company director and I think I need someone who will fight for me.

Just feel shit

WhoNickedMyName Sat 03-Nov-12 20:05:20

Well I'd start by changing the locks. Yes, it's not legal if his name is on the mortgage, but I'd do it anyway.

And then go ahead and file for divorce, I don't understand what's stopping you?

I'd be writing to him (maybe via your solicitor) about child contact along the lines of... "as agreed you will pick the children up regularly on X days at X times. If you have not arrived to collect the children by X time without prior discussion of change of arrangements, then I will presume that you do not wish your contact with the children to go ahead on that day".

Do you have friends and family close by for emotional support?

Nomorepain Sat 03-Nov-12 20:16:11

I am waiting for him to sign confession that he did commit adultery. He won't sign it. Not seen my solicitor since Aug so I need to push it forward. What can he do about the locks? I really want to change them but don't know if I can deal with the emotional fall out from his family.

I've got lots if brilliant friends but no one can sit with me tonight. Just makes me so sad. This very same weekend last year I sat sobbing hearing all the fireworks knowing my friends were all out with their families creating memories. My son woke up with vomiting big and hen started vomiting blood and had to rush him to hosp in early hours of morning. Asked ex h to help out as I was exhausted and only just been released from hosp myself but he wouldn't answer phone and then next day he text at 10 to say I need to move in with my life he has moved in with his and will not drive for 2 hours to look after ds who only had sickness bug. Shocking. Still makes me sad now but don't want to let them thoughts in.

How on earth have I let myself be treated so badly!

porridgewithalmondmilk Sat 03-Nov-12 20:21:08

You haven't let yourself, nomorepain

NONE of this is your fault, it sounds horrible. What an awful thing to say - "live in nanny"?

You sound as if you have been amazing and I am sure you are a lovely mum to your children.

myroomisatip Sat 03-Nov-12 20:36:42

I feel for you! It wont always be this way though!

Go back to your solicitor. If you have no confidence in him/her then find another. I instructed three before I found one who was actually on my side! She is brilliant smile

And you know what? You son was ill and it was YOU that was there! You! smile And in spite of everything you coped smile You did it! smile Dont look back on that as a bad memory, look at it as your triumph smile No, dont be sad! Be proud! He failed you! You coped! smile smile

myroomisatip Sat 03-Nov-12 20:37:57

oh dear..'smile' overload lol

WhoNickedMyName Sat 03-Nov-12 20:42:49

What can he do about the locks? Well at worst he could break into the house. I'd change them, don't tell him and if he asks tell him you lost your keys and had no choice.

You need to change your solicitor to someone who is going to drive this divorce through for you. If your H is going to be an arse then you need a Rottweiler of a solicitor - not some wet lettuce that's going to let every step of the process drag out for months.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 03-Nov-12 20:45:48

You are a great mum and your ex sounds such a dud of course you never knew this side of him existed or you'd never have settled down with him. Hindsight is a wonderful thing so don't blame yourself - you've tried keeping things together and a home for your DCs. "Live-in nanny" cheeky arse of a sperm donor.

ekidna Sat 03-Nov-12 20:48:51

god absolute love you. indeed what a sack of shit. I have no wise advice :-(
but did just want to let you know that I am sitting in watching the fireworks out of the window with you and nobody else but you OP

dysfunctionalme Sat 03-Nov-12 20:50:22

Sounds incredibly stressful and I am so sorry for what you are going through.

You need to take back control. I'm sorry, I don't really know HOW but there are lots of clever people in here who do.

Can you start with a wish list e.g.

My own home (he has no keys)
Agreed contact order (re. kids)
Communication only via email or whatever, but basically you need to put a stop to conversation as it's awful for you
Plan a holiday for you & your children, even 3 days, just something lovely to look forward to that he cannot touch. Maybe this could be planned for this time next year so you can start making new and happier memories for bonfire night.

Sorry nothing v solid in here, I don't know UK law. x

pointtopoint Sat 03-Nov-12 20:50:30

Massive sad for you.


1. You lose your keys. It happens. When you lose your keys, you call a lock smith and have the locks changed. These things happen.

2. You organise pick ups. Coffee shop. 20 minute window. Not there, you will head off with the kids. His bad.

3. SAme with drop offs. You will take them out for a meal / snack. You expect them there at a certain time.

4. You call time on the marriage. Take control.

Teabagtights Sat 03-Nov-12 20:56:19

Best bet move out to a rented house. Legally he does not have to pay all the mortgage if in joint names. Best to sell up split the equity and get your own place then he only pays maintenance become independant of him so he has nothing to throw at you. And can't use the law to gain access.

lulutherapies Sat 03-Nov-12 21:01:02

be kind to yourself. remember you have those children and they will grow up loving and respecting you for always being there. My son is 21 next week and an amazing lad to me. there is a lot of love for you on here and most importantly you sound like a strong woman. You must find a good family solicitor in a medium sized firm (I initially used a one man firm and he had too much work he made some big mistakes, I ended up finding someone else who had come thoroughly recommended). Solicitor will help you draft appropriate letter of procedure with your husband who if he doesn't cknowledge will have to account for himself to a judge eventually. Follow the advice of solicitor so that there is no comeback on you that cannot be supported in the courts. stay as calm as you can for the sake of the children. the less pain for them the better. perhaps remind your husband that the children are picking up on things he is saying and doing and may grow up taking against him. I have seen and heard this a lot. Some men need to be told this as they simply do not get it. Please don't be sad. You are not alone x

Nomorepain Sat 03-Nov-12 21:03:13

Thank you ladies. I have tried, really tried to make damage to the kids as minimal as possible. I feel like I have allowed him in the past to use this house as his base when he has kids and now because I am calling time on that arrangement he is kicking off. I am so much stronger and know I could never, ever have him back but I am angry at myself for allowing myself to get upset by his words. He used to pull this stunt all the time. Say really horrible stuff to me then deny it and make me feel like I'm going mad or making a mountain out of a molehill. Sometimes I wish that I could record our communications and get someone to review them and feedback on what I did wrong. Ridiculous I know but he has destroyed my self confidence and constantly makes me question myself. I am getting stronger now but feel like he has destroyed it again!

Nomorepain Sat 03-Nov-12 21:06:36

It is only bad when he gets kids. I literally hear nothing from him between visits - 2 weeks at a time! Ds is talking about his hero dad all the time and I just have to bite my lip and not say anything bad about him. He isn't interested in baby ds at all. Never bonded with her. Sad x

lulutherapies Sat 03-Nov-12 21:17:23

Can you have a friend with you when he collects/drops off until you have it set in stone in an agreement. I'm sure he will become more involved with your baby as he grows into a toddler, don't be sad. We're all here with you. x

lulutherapies Sat 03-Nov-12 21:19:04

sorry, I meant 'she'

tallwivglasses Sun 04-Nov-12 08:15:19

Don't engage. No argument you ever give will make him see sense, however well-worded it is. Ask him politely to put any concerns in an email. Or to speak to your solicitor. (And yes, get a different one)

Become a stuck record. Let the hurtful words wash over you.

Lueji Sun 04-Nov-12 08:29:59

Actually, you can record the conversations.

Just use email and text. Do not phone him or answer his calls and handout kids at the door.

He cheated and he left. Tough luck.

I'd start divorce proceedings asap rather than wait for him.

imtheonlyone Mon 05-Nov-12 10:01:19

Hi nomorepain,

Can sympathise with what you're going through here but you will get through it - it will take time but you will.

Firstly, absolutely yes change those locks. The house is as much yours as it is his so don't feel obligated to him because he pays the mortgage. He does have a responsibility to provide for his kids so if he takes it away from you then he will take it from your kids too. There is absolutely nothing he can do about you changing the locks, you need to do this.

And as the others have said, find a solicitor you are happy with and one that is going to fight for you. You have to have confidence that they are going to fight your corner. Remember that he is the one who has cheated and he is the one who has LEFT the family home!

Any solicitor will tell you that splitting he family assets will start at 50/50 and the. Look at if there is any reason to look in favour of either party. I have two DSs and gave up my career for my family and I got 85% to help me to provide a secure environment for my children to live in! This is te courts priority!

Take one step at a time, if he is unreasonable or at any time do you feel threatened call the Police. It may seem extreme but they will remove him from the property (yes, even though it is his!) and he will get the message that you are properly serious about this.

Do not let him bully you - try to remain calm at all times so that any wrong doing is on him as not you. But you have just as much right (if not more) than him to be in that house.

I guess he can always decide to stop paying the mortgage and if this happens then you new to take some advice probably from CAB. Do you work?? I can't remember all the details and can't read them on my phone! Ring tax credits and find out what you are entitled to - now that you are a separated you will be entitled to the single parent allowances which could include council tax help and housing benefit. Get it checked out because this could help you to perhaps find a rental property which would then be yours and yours alone. I moved out into rented because my arse of an exH wouldn't move out of the house so me and the kids did! Don't think he expected me to do that!!

Come back and ask anymore questions - I have been through all of this and come out the other side a stronger and much happier person. My ex was verbally abusive and aggressive and a complete arse - you can do this xx

imtheonlyone Mon 05-Nov-12 10:05:14

Ah, yes, if he has agreed to pick up the children at a certain time, give him some lee way and if he doesn't turn up then go out. Show him he cannot mess you around like this. You will have to do this after you have changed the locks though!!!
I did this to my ex a couple of times and he soon bucked up his ideas! He needs to realise you are not going to sing to his tune anymore. You need your private space now he's moved out and he has no right to impose on that.

But be tough on the access - I imagine that the children are pretty upset when they are expecting daddy to turn up and he doesn't! I know mine were and I had no answers for them.

Send him a letter from your solicitor that says you are happy to arrange regular access but this will not take place in your home and if he does not turn up the. He forfeits his right to see his children on that occasion.

imtheonlyone Mon 05-Nov-12 10:08:17

And you tell him when he having the children and not the other way round!

But get those locks changed - please. He can't be letting himself in and doing all those things like he still lives there!! He moved out ffs!!!

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