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How do we breakup?

(6 Posts)
Flickeringlights Sat 03-Nov-12 17:04:44

How do we break up?

Been with DH 9 years, married for 7, 3 preschool children. We have a mortgage and equity in our house but are renting at the moment as we're having a lot of building work done.
Our marriage is over.
We sleep separately and have done for years. He refuses to have sex, there's always some reason and if we do (annually?) it's entirely on his terms.
Our affairs are financially separate. He earns about £65k and I have an income of around £45k a year from an accident I had which has left me unable to work.

He won't leave. I don't want to leave and disturb the children. I've no idea what to do, what's fair etc, and he seems to think we'll just carry on as we are as this is how it is. There is no one else involved. He has some savings/investments of around £90k, I have none. I pay for most of our childcare ( £12k for our eldest who has special needs which a local facility helps us with) and I pay pro rata bills and mortgage.

I'm not one for ultimatums, but I listed a few things which I couldn't tolerate for a second longer: his shouting at me in front of the children, his trying to humiliate me in public, his refusal to see any healthcare professional despite some very obvious health problems which affect both him and the rest of the family, that sort of thing. Very specific stuff he's promised to do for years and hasn't done.

Anyway he clearly doesn't want to make it work, I've run out of energy and I don't want our children thinking how we are is normal.

What do I do?

lulutherapies Sat 03-Nov-12 17:23:28

i've been through similar and supported a couple of friends who've gone through since, wanting for them to avoid the difficulties i encountered. my best advice is that you stay calm and go visit a reputable firm of solicitors with a good family section where you can get an initial couple of hours of advice. an expericenced solicitor will tell you what your position is, and what step to take next. It may be approach your hb about mediation - to stay together or to separate. It will cost for a couple of hours of legal advice but it keeps you focused on the right track, without you emotionally going all over the place worrying about everything. The idea is that you try and do this with advice, amicably to minimise financial and emotional cost. From someone who has been there, I would advise any couple to think of the children and do things as amicably as possible, causing least pain to the children. Thats not to say it will be easy. The financial side can be very divisive. Good luck x

ErikNorseman Sat 03-Nov-12 17:30:42

You need legal advice ASAP. He will have to share his savings with you and you should be able to manage. First thing is to get legal advice.

Flickeringlights Sat 03-Nov-12 18:50:16

Thankyou. I'm going to see a local solicitor this week for an hour's consultation.

I haven't the first idea what the future might look like. When we've talked about splitting he's adamant that he won't leave and he'll make out I'm an unfit mother and stop me seeing the children never mind them living with me. I know that's nonsense but it's the sort of crap he tells himself.
He says that as all our money is seperate then I'd only be entitled to what I put into the house, and I'd have to try and force him to sell, and he won't do that so I should find a little place for me and the kids and rent it and he'll have the kids on the weekend in our house. He says he'll pay for the kids' expenses and what the CSa say which he says is 35% of his net for all 3 but that's it, I'll get nothing off him etc.
I'm so tired of being bullied by him and just having to take it so that there isn't a scene in front of the children. sad

ErikNorseman Sat 03-Nov-12 18:57:07

He's wrong about the money. Please see a solicitor who can set it straight in your mind.

Flickeringlights Sat 03-Nov-12 19:05:38

Thanks Eriknorseman. How wrong, about the money? just in rough terms?
Am sitting here churning. He's called me a bad mother in front of the children and told them not to listen to me as I'm not worth it. sad I don't know how things got this bad but I can't see anything changing.

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