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if i walk right now, does he get...

(25 Posts)
amistillsexy Sat 03-Nov-12 11:39:01

The house? Custody of the children?

Sitting on my bed, bag half packed. Ds went to tell his dad, dad said ' let her go if she wants'. Suddenly struck me I might be giving him everything.
Need advice, quick! Please!

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sat 03-Nov-12 11:40:28

Depends if you are married, whose house the name is in, who does most of the childcare, etc. ANd on why you are leaving. If it is because he is violent and you are scared, call the police and they will come and remove him.

HystericalParoxysm Sat 03-Nov-12 11:40:55

It depends on your circumstances. Children, housing, finances etc. But I don't think your DS should be acting as go-between here whatever the situation.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sat 03-Nov-12 11:41:50

Just to add: when a relationship has broken down, and the partners disagree about what should happen re chilcare, the house etc, it's not a matter of the noisiest one getting his/her own way. Courts are concerned with the best interest of the children, which can mean that the man is the one forced to move out of the family home even if he owns it.

amistillsexy Sat 03-Nov-12 11:44:22

Married. Joint names for everything. I do most of childcare. He's not violent, just Fucking ignorant and takes me for granted. Wanders round the house in a dream takes no notice of me at all. Has all his needs catered and leaves everywhere on a mess, walks away from it and says he didn't notice it when I pull him on it.
It's been going on for years. I used to be able to put up with it cos he loved me. Then had babies to think of. Now I'm just a housekeeper n nanny.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sat 03-Nov-12 11:46:59

OK, in which case take a deep breath, unpack your bag and go and see a solicitor on Monday for advice. You don't need his permission to end the marriage, and whatever happens, you will get a share of the family home.
IF things are so bad that you can't stand to stay there tonight, you can go to a hotel/friends/family without losing your interest in the home or custody of your DC, though try to be as calm with them as possible. How old are they? Would they come with you?

amistillsexy Sat 03-Nov-12 11:54:30

Ok. I can see that the packing and running is not going to work. Children aren't acting as go betweens, ds1 went to tell daddy and reported back to me. Daddy is downstairs, I'm upstairs. He is refusing to discuss us splitting up. Passive aggressive... 'Well. If you insist on breaking the dcs hearts...it's up to you, if you want to go then go. O can't stop you, bit you can deal with Yeh fall out'. That sort of thing.
We've been here a hundred times before. I'm dependant on him financially, tied to the house due to punt of stuff to do- he does nothing, including financial stuff. So if I leave things up to him we get stung for late payments, not responding etc. He takes no responsibility for amything. But thinks I should be happy because he ' tries'.

amistillsexy Sat 03-Nov-12 12:05:31

I'll go to solicitor on monday.
If he insists on staying in the house, is there anything I can do? I just want him away from me, or me away from him, but he has nowhere to go. No mates, no family.

myroomisatip Sat 03-Nov-12 12:43:49

Definitely see a solicitor, and what SolidGold said.

I could not get mine to leave, although he has been abusive in very many ways, hence we are still living in the same house while the divorce goes through. Not nice! But sometimes you just have to go through the bad times to be able to come out on the other side! It took me absolutely years to find the courage, and I so much regret wasting all that time.

And take no notice of the 'guilt' he is trying to lay at your feet. Ignore! and Good Luck smile

Lueji Sat 03-Nov-12 14:25:57

Do not go.
Start divorce proceedings, enquire about getting him out, and stop doing things for him.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 03-Nov-12 14:39:21

Agree with the others, stay put, see a solicitor on Monday. It might take a while to get it sorted, but it will get sorted. Play the long game.

HoolioHallio Sat 03-Nov-12 14:49:36

How old are your children ?

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sat 03-Nov-12 15:56:34

Ok, if you have no money of your own he will be compelled to contribute to the DC's upbringing and housing even though you are separating. It may be possible to get him out of the house, though if he isn't violent it might be difficult. However, you will not be expected to live there with him indefinitely; a court may order the house to be sold and a share of the proceeds given to you.

As he's clearly going to be tiresome and unhelpful, don't discuss anything with him until after you've seen a solicitor. Lie to him if need be: if he's behaving like a dick then your priorites are keeping yourself safe and DC happy until you can put your plans into action.

From what you've posted he sounds financially and emotionally abusive anyway. Does he have a drinking/drug problem? (General uselessness and not paying bills, and being passive-agressive and lazy often indicates substance abuse).

WhoNickedMyName Sat 03-Nov-12 16:09:05

Don't pack up and leave the house.

STOP doing anything for him... No cooking, washing, ironing, picking up after him.

See a solicitor on Monday.

If you're in charge of finances, open an account in your name only and put whatever you can into it.

ivykaty44 Sat 03-Nov-12 16:19:41

can you split the house and live in it whilst you are divorcing? for example

we have two rooms and a kitchen down stairs, so we could have two sitting rooms and share the kitchen, I could put the dc in one bedroom and we could have a bedroom each.

Not ideal but it would give you space and if he starts creating then tell him it needs to be done so the dc know you are apart but living together until things are finalised and gives the dc time to get used to mum and dad not living together

LineRunner Sat 03-Nov-12 16:26:37

My ExH left me, OP, but the principle I believe still remains that the outcome of divorce is that you both leave the marriage with a fair share of any assets, or indeed any debts. Normally the solution appears to be that the woman and children stay in the family home, and the man departs taking a share of any equity with him (either as a cheque or a charge on the house). If there's no equity, then tough for him.

He will be required to pay child support, in relation to his income.

Get the divorce moving as soon as possible, and he will finally have to sort his shit out.

Discrectionadvised Sat 03-Nov-12 18:47:21

Linerunner.... What do you mean by charge on the house? I want to separate, dh saying we need to sell the house and he gets half. I earn more than him but our finances are tight. We co-own the home but I put 150k equity in our first property when he had nothing. I don't want to lose my home with the kids.

LineRunner Sat 03-Nov-12 18:57:29

Hi, hope you are ok smile .

When ExH left, he left me in our house which is a very basic terraced small 3-bed (my DS's room is tiny). There was some equity in it, but as our solictors agreed, it made no financial sense for us to sell it and spilt the proceeds because I would not have enough to money to provide a home for the children (boy and girl). Therefore we agreed that ExH would be 'bought out' of his share of the equity.

His solicitor offered for him to put a charge on the house, of £xxK, which he would get when the house was ever sold or when the younger child had turned 18.

I thought 'Bollocks to that' and borrowed £xK to buy him out as part of the divorce.

It feels like I took custody of the mortgage (!), and he walked away with a Brucie Bonus, but I did get shot of the useless, selfish tool. grin

LineRunner Sat 03-Nov-12 19:00:51

p.s. I also put a lot of money in to our house - paid the deposit - and earned more. And felt/feel utterly shafted.

But I negotiated his 'buy out' down from what he originally wanted. Just keep saying No.

His only alternative is to have a 'Charge' which he can't spend as he has to wait.

Discrectionadvised Sat 03-Nov-12 19:08:59

Ok... That makes sense. Selling the house makes no sense despite us having reasonable amount of equity. To me his 'charge' should be half the equity over and above the initial equity I put in. We would lose so much in moving costs and stamp duty for me to downsize.

The challenge at the moment is to find sufficient money for him to move out. He's not a bastard or anything but I no longer love him and want more. He's hurt and I appreciate that for him to have to move out of our lovely house into a flat when its me ending the marriage is hard. However there are other factors which I have posted on another thread tonight. He was responsible for a dreadful accident that nearly killed our daughter and has left her dreadfully scarred with complex health needs.

Our finances are tight as it is.

Viviennemary Sat 03-Nov-12 19:20:37

Most people are advised not to leave the home. Except in cases of violence or severe emotional abuse. That's what I've heard. You should think very very carefully before you make any move at all. I don't think I'd leave in your position. Are you truly at the end of the line with your marriage. You say you have a lovely home. Oh dear this is very difficult. I've just read about your daughter's accident. This is a dreadful situation for you. Can't think what to suggest except think before you make a move. Hope you get through this really difficult period and read all the advice.

CaseyShraeger Sat 03-Nov-12 19:20:38

Don't leave without the children. Either stay put and ride out the separation/divorce under the same roof or take them with you.

LineRunner Sat 03-Nov-12 19:26:36

OP, I haven't seen your other thread, and I won't read it until I've posted on this thread.

The judge who will be looking at your divorce application will want to see agreement. S/he will want to see both of you leave the marriage with something.

I would try to calculate carefully what you are prepared to 'settle' on your partner, either as a charge or as a lesser immediate payment. But you can use the prospect of his waiting for a charge well into the future as a bargaining point, to secure you and children better now.

In my case, it was the cost of the basic deposit for him on a small flat. He was also expected by the judge to work and to pay a mortgage.

Don't get embroiled in arguments about fault and blame when talking about money. The only winners are lawyers.

No-one gives a shit by the way about your reduced career chances and increased childcare costs of becoming a lone parent, even if you are the one who is left at 20 minutes' notice. So place your efforts into a final settlement and a reasonable child support arrangement outside of the CSA.

Good luck. smile

LineRunner Sat 03-Nov-12 19:28:02

Sorry meant to Discretion not OP.

Discrectionadvised Sat 03-Nov-12 19:36:09

Thanks, and apologies to the op for the hijack. I posted in the 'crush at work'.... My story is not so simple. When the kids are in bed ill put the full story on and stop hijacking others!

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