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I've fucked up and I don't know what to do.

(14 Posts)
TwatasaurusRex Sat 03-Nov-12 06:42:43

Shitting fucking arsing hell.

Last night I had a 'moment' with an old friend of mine. Nothing's ever happened between me and him before, I met up with him and some of his friends in the city he now lives in, which is in another country, where I'm currently visiting as part of my thesis research. We were both very, very drunk and it was in the small hours of the morning.

Earlier in the night, we had a big heart to heart where I basically told him that I was going to break up with my boyfriend of 18 months. I have no idea where this came from, I hadn't thought it before hand, but as soon as it was out of my mouth, I realised that I think it is in fact true. My BF and I have a distance relationship due to current work/study situations and have done so for about 4 months. It's been pretty hard going and he seems to have developed quite a nasty, jealous streak to him. We keep talking this through and he apologises, but it's normally pretty hollow. Last night he was getting angry at me for not having contacted him and rang me 11 times in 30 minutes, even though I had already told him I wouldn't answer due to problems with roaming. Due to the time difference, contact has been sporadic and difficult, with a very very brief period of time where we're both awake.

I haven't seen BF now for about 4 weeks, due to distance and now me being away. Nothing really actually happened between old friend and I (he's also in a long distance relationship) but it was definitely inappropriate. I think we both wanted something to happen, and came extremely close, but sensible sides won through.

When I woke up this morning I sent the friend a fairly innocuous message to try and test the waters. I know he's read the message, but as yet he hasn't replied. I just saw him ahead of me in the street and its completely floored me. I don't want to leave (tomorrow) without speaking to him, either face to face or by text or whatever.

I also then have the problem of what to do about my BF. On the one hand I am horrified at what I've done and can't bear the thought that I might lose him. On the other, I think this has been a while coming and I should take this as a warning that the feeling in the pit of my stomach that things haven't been right for a while is more serious than I've been willing to admit.

I just don't know what to do, about contacting the friend or with the BF. I've got myself into such a fucking mess, I feel sick (although if we're being honest, I am also hungover) and I'm stuck in a hotel room feeling like the world's crashing down around me. I don't really know why I'm posting, other than feeling desperately lonely right now sad

Nishky Sat 03-Nov-12 06:47:01

I am sorry you are going through this- I personally think that you should leave it with the friend for now, you have sent a message, wait for him to reply; you are feeling particularly vulnerable because of the hangover I expect.

If you need to end the relationship you are in, then do it without involving a third party and then see what pans out would be my view

get some rest and let the hangover run its course

MarjorieAntrobus Sat 03-Nov-12 06:48:41

I don't really understand what you have done wrong?

You admitted to an old friend that your relationship with your BF is strained and you think you will break up with him (BF).

Did I miss something crucial there?

All the best and thanks, as you sound quite distressed.

MarjorieAntrobus Sat 03-Nov-12 06:50:41

Oh, got it! I missed the "moment " bit at first.

Yes, agree with Nishky.

End relationship with BF, then see what might or might not pan out with old flame.

TwatasaurusRex Sat 03-Nov-12 06:55:22

Marjorie Sorry, I probably wasn't very clear. Basically, I ended up back at the friends flat and, essentially, we came ridiculously close to sleeping together. In the end, we didn't actually kiss although there was some physical contact that should never have happened. But I wanted to and I wanted more to happen as well. This was after a large part of the evening had been spent discussing my relationship, with me saying that I didn't think it was working out. The friend is actually a mutual between my BF and I, although I am closer to him. BF and friend have mostly fallen out of contact, although BF had got arsy with me for meeting up with the friend and was generally being a bit jealous about it, which in hindsight was perfectly reasonable.

RecklessRat Sat 03-Nov-12 06:59:55

Try not to panic Twatasaurus. I agree with others that it doesn't sound like you've done anything too bad.

The hangover will definitely be giving you the jitters, but I expect you're also having a sudden dawning of realisation that your current BF is actually jealous and controlling. To call you 11 times in 30 mins is way over the top. This type of behaviour won't improve, it will only get worse. Trust your instincts on this one.

Don't worry about your other friend, don't contact him again, he'll probably be in touch when he's feeling less hungover too.

RecklessRat Sat 03-Nov-12 07:05:12

So if I was you I'd take the decision now that my relationship was over and spend the rest of your time away preparing yourself to deal eith that when you get home.

Try and meet the mutual friend for a coffee before you leave and clear the air.

TwatasaurusRex Sat 03-Nov-12 07:10:52

Thanks Reckless. I would like to meet with the friend, but I leave early tomo so it would have to be tonight, which I don't think will happen sad it's also now 8 hours since he saw the message I sent, so I'm not sure a reply is forthcoming...

RecklessRat Sat 03-Nov-12 07:21:33

If you sent your message 8 hours ago then i agree you prob won't get a response now. So leave it until after you've sorted things out at home.

It sounds like this trip has been a catalyst for you in terms of thinking about your relationship - and that you know what you need to do. You must listen to the "feeling in the pit of your stomach".

WineGoggles Sat 03-Nov-12 07:23:38

I suggest treating the near miss with your friend and the BF back home as 2 completely seperate issues rather than one massive intertwined one. You say RE your BF that "It's been pretty hard going and he seems to have developed quite a nasty, jealous streak to him. We keep talking this through and he apologises, but it's normally pretty hollow. Last night he was getting angry at me for not having contacted him and rang me 11 times in 30 minutes...". You've told him how you feel about his behaviour but it's not changed. How many more chances will you give him?
Do you want the relationship with BF to work? How long will you 2 be apart? Do you think the issues with him are purely because of being apart (so will be fine when you're back together) or do you think, deep down, that he won't change? Personally I think the fact you've discussed issues with BF and nothing changes are massive red flags.

RE your friend; you've text him, the ball is in his court, so leave him alone now.

TwatasaurusRex Sat 03-Nov-12 07:32:56

Right, I just had a weak moment and messages the friend, just to acknowledge that last night got weird and to ask something unrelated that I did actually need to ask as much as that sounds like an excuse Thanks to the power of technology, I know he's also seen that one, so hey, we'll see if there's a reply <unlikely>

I think a lot of the sad at the moment is feeling that the friendship is probably now over, tbh I'm a bit more numbed to the BF situation right now as I'm physically removed, IYSWIM. I feel like I've completely fucked the friendship up and I'm really annoyed at myself for it, although rationally I know that the friend played an equal part in what happened.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 03-Nov-12 07:48:38

Bear in mind too, OP, that your friend's long-distance relationship may be a strong & happy one, and he is keeping his head low because last night was more than he wanted to happen in the cold light of day. No reflection on you - but the only further message you can allow yourself, I think, is a cheery 'off now! Bye! ' from the departure gate - and put him firmly out of your mind. Your concern now is what to do about your relationship with boyfriend... good luck!

TwatasaurusRex Sat 03-Nov-12 08:09:07

Yeah, no more messages for now. I wish it wouldn't tell me that he's read it, it's much worse knowing that he has and hasn't replied than being able to think he may not have seen it. Unfortunately, the question I had to ask is a practical matter anyone that's quite important and unfortunately will require an answer from him, although I can leave it a week or two before I actually need to chase it up.

I know realistically that he's lying low atm, but even a curt or downright rude reply would be slightly more reassuring than the radio silence. Ho-hum. I've been for a swim and had a sugary drink which is making me feel a bit better physically. Will probably head out and get some food soon and some more fresh air, try and distract myself.

I'm trying not to be mopey, but unfortunately I know that if I leave without us speaking, it is very much friendship over, which whilst it won't be the end of the world, is really rather sad, especially as we got on incredibly and platonically well earlier in the week.

TwatasaurusRex Sat 03-Nov-12 08:33:47

Oh phew, we have a reply and it's fine. I mean, slightly awkward but essentially fine. Complete weight lifted.

I think the next steps are to wait until I'm home to decide what happens with the BF, I haven't seen him in so long (for us, at least) that I think it would be stupid and unfair to both of us for me to decide without seeing him in the flesh. I'd already decided that we need to have a talk about a few things, so I think the outcome of those talks will pretty much make the decision for me.

Then I think I need to work on the not over thinking things, but that's going to be a pretty long term project blush

I've not posted in Relationships before (am a NCer, for somewhat obvious reasons) but you're all rather lovely thanks

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