Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Are things meant to get better after they've gone? (sorry long)

(10 Posts)
CrystalEclipse Fri 02-Nov-12 23:35:11

So me and DP split nearly 2 months ago. When the relationship worked it really worked, when it didn't he was not good to be around angry.

Isn't life meant to get better after they leave? When I walked on on mentally financially emotionally abusive exH, it felt like I had become me again, like the whole world had opened back up. This time it just feels like my whole world has collapsed in on itself. Everything I do just reminds me of how much fun we had doing that together. Despite the occasional (big) problems, Live was more fun, and a hell of a lot easier. Still love him so much it physically hurts.

I desperately want to talk to someone but can't talk to people because I just don't know what to say. Partly because I know I should have left six months before we broke up and partly because when people offer hugs and support I going from looking like I'm fine to bursting into tears.

Doesn't help that I feel a little lost in my own life anyway. Without outing myself(cos mycircs are so identifiable), I did a really good job of picking DC and myself up from really really awful situation with exH and starting afresh (everything, new home, new career etc.). but since then I discovered one of my DC has SN (another thing that exDP was brilliant with) my life has really had to change to allow me to look after him. But where this leaves my own dreams/wants I don't know, DP was the last bit of those left.

Everyone tells me how well I'm doing, how I appear more relaxed, I guess I am, I'm just also much less happier. I think I just need to vent and someone to come along and tell me this gets better with time.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sat 03-Nov-12 00:15:16

So sorry for you. I can't tell you it gets better. I'm still at the awful early stage that you are.

But I send you love and light - and a bump x

KrispyCakehead Sat 03-Nov-12 00:17:22

2 months is nothing I'm afraid. Not enough time to feel better. But you will...

comethasmybrokentelly Sat 03-Nov-12 00:22:53

Why did you split up? Can you try to focus on the bad stuff? Splitting up is so very hard to do. Yu must have had good reasons. Can you focus on them?

comethasmybrokentelly Sat 03-Nov-12 00:23:49

How long did it take after abusive exh to feel good?

CrystalEclipse Sat 03-Nov-12 21:22:12

I was about to say instantly with abusive exH.... actually your right it wasn'ti
instant,the relief was instant and I showed a lot of signs of shock, but I knew from the start I would be happier. it actually took 6 months to feel normal,i think at the time i felt life went from black and white to colour.

Yes they was a really good reason for splitting up but I find it hard to think about that, partly because it was so horrible and partly because I have trouble associating the bad bit of him with the rest, just so totally different. do you think it would help

2 months isn't that long is it really is it? I was with him for nearly 4 years (most of DCs lives in fact)

daffydowndilly Sun 04-Nov-12 08:42:29

I split with my x 7 months ago, and had the same feeling of sheer relief when he went. Life is definitely better. But I also am finding it really hard to move on emotionally, and even though I have done so much (moved, new schools etc), something within me is keeping me stuck in the past too (it feels emotionally a bit like groundhog day). Someone 'helpful' suggested that I want to stay in the drama, although I think that is wrong/simplistic, I do perhaps agree that there is something habitual or addictive about being a 'victim'. But I am determined to get on with my life, I am not used to it being my own and for me having a voice, and I am slowly learning to be myself again. I think I just need to keep reminding myself to push myself forwards, work on that self-confidence, and remind myself that as a single mother actually life might not be what I expected but that doesn't mean it won't be fabulous. My dreams just need to accept the children will be a huge part of it (more than if I had a stable father present in their lives sharing the responsibility).

You need to listen to everyone who says you are looking better and give it time. Remember when you are thinking about the past you are focusing only on the good things/grass is greener. I assume you still have contact with your xp, if you have children together, keep it minimal. And it will change, as long as you want it to. Life was not more fun and easier with him, or you would not have left!! Remember that.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sun 04-Nov-12 13:57:35

Do some different stuff! Make your OWN new happy memories that don't have his shadow hanging over them grin You can do it .. you already did the hard part and showed him the door xx

Abitwobblynow Sun 04-Nov-12 14:16:10

read up on 'Stockholm syndrome' and 'traumatic bond'. It takes time for these intense connections to fade away.

IIWY I would stop idealising the 'good' parts of him, and keep very clear in your mind the disrespectful, unloving, selfish things that he did that you do not deserve in your life.

Focus on clarifying what you think is reasonable to expect, and you will get to expect it in the people around you (and future relationships)

CrystalEclipse Wed 07-Nov-12 23:44:57

Thanks for the replies I really do appreciate them. The traumatic bond totally describes how I feel about my exH but really doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of my feelings to exP.

The fact is that it was an incredibly supportive relationship. I think the fact that it was a supportive relationship is one of the reasons why it has hit me so hard, there are so many things on a daily basis that I think "I wish I could talk to x about that", or "if x were here that would be easier" or x would be saying something that would make me laugh right now." That really was true with DS and the SN, when I hit a hiccup or problem with him those are the times I miss XP the most.

For that reason I can see that focussing on the reasons why we split up might well help. its like the whole process in reverse.

I think I did also need reminding that it hasn't been long. Downdilly hit the nail on the head, I am going to need time to get used to doing things solo, also a lot of the comments on self confidence ring true too

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: