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*** feel free to ignore -most do anyway ***

(34 Posts)
MustBeInsane Fri 02-Nov-12 23:20:41

Sorry I just need to vent and I'm guessing writing it all down may help... I hope.

The DH went out again tonight. So many times before he has promised to be home at a reasonable time and mostly doesn't stick to his word. Comes in, in the early hours drunk and has a go at me for bein angry, the next day he's full of apology.
He wasn't going to go out tonight but called this afternoon to ask if I minded if he did. Promised to be home by 10 at the latest. I said I don't mind (even though I did) as long as he promised not to do as he usually does because that will be the last time I take his word for it.
10.15 came I txt asking where he was. No reply. I called twice at half past, the second time he answered. We got into an argument because as usual he 'bumped into some he hasn't seen for years' I wasn't having it this time and told him exactly how angry I was. Of course he denies 'promising' to be home by 10, then some how I'm getting the blame because I do this and if I didn't do that ect. Not sure how any of this is my fault?
In the end I said come home now or don't come home at all. He said fine I won't come home then so I swore at him and hung up.
I now feel like shit.
He was meant to be doing the night feeds with our ds2 and meant to be getting up with them in the morning so I can have a little lay in. Don't think that's gonna happen now.
I'm just sick and tired of this happening. I knew it would and he banged on about how it wouldn't and like an idiot I beloved him.
Sorry for waffling.

Catrin Fri 02-Nov-12 23:24:31

Oh not waffling - I remember those conversations only too well. I have nothing constructive to say, I'm afraid, but I do know how it feels.

MustBeInsane Fri 02-Nov-12 23:26:54

Can I ask what you did?

DuelingFanjo Fri 02-Nov-12 23:27:51

Could you lock the door from the inside? I think that's what I would do, and just ignore him when he knocks. Then go out all day tomorrow. Take some time out and show him just how pissed off you are.

MustBeInsane Fri 02-Nov-12 23:29:56

I've already put the key in the lock so he won't be able to get in IF he does come home

MsHighwater Fri 02-Nov-12 23:31:19

Don't have an easy answer. I don't thnk there is one. the serious talk you need to have is not best conducted by phone or when he is drunk but I think you need to have it. If you keep pretending not to mind, he will likely keep doing what he wants. You have to be clear about what is acceptable and what you expect. If he can't or won't meet that or if you can't accept what he is offering, you need to change something. What you change is up to you, and to him.

Catrin Fri 02-Nov-12 23:31:35

We ended up splitting up sad

riamay2011 Fri 02-Nov-12 23:34:16

My DH is like this a lot and we've had many a row about how it's all my fault blah blah blah angryangryangryangry

riamay2011 Fri 02-Nov-12 23:34:33

Is he back? X

MustBeInsane Fri 02-Nov-12 23:39:42

Nope he's not back. Not sure he will be. Although he has never not come back so I'm not sure what to expect.
Oh I am sorry Catrin :-(
Mshighwater, we have talked in person when he's not been drinking. He always says it won't happen again. I feel a bit of a mug.
I just don't want him to stay out and get really driunk and start fighting and get arrested!
Part of me wants him to come back, but part of me wants him to stay out because I'm just so angry!

riamay2011 Sat 03-Nov-12 00:28:39

The best thing you can do is try and sleep I know it will be hard but there's nothing more you can do. Tomorrow is another day and he will come back with his tail between his legs just like my DH. We've had awful rows when he's come back even ones that go into the street (shameless I no!) but when he's sorry make him no this is his last chance And mean it x

MustBeInsane Sat 03-Nov-12 03:06:50

Well he come home at 2.15 I didn't lock the bloody door properly!
It's all my fault apparently. He's done nothing wrong. Why should he have 'some woman' (I'm his wife for fuck sake) control his life. He also enjoyed rubbing in the fact that I only have 1 or 2 friends and he has loads. I wouldn't look at him and stayed facing away from him (was in bed) and he pulled me between my armpit and collarbone and it actually hurt, but of course I shouldn't have resisted.
I'm now sitting downstairs (was crying Nd didn't want to wake our baby - he didn't care If he woke the baby as it would be me that would of had to deal with him) and he is now sound asleep.
I wish I locked that fucking door properly sad

fruitandbarley Sat 03-Nov-12 04:27:35

Mustbeinsane, hope your ok. How Long have you been together? Are you hoping things are going to change?

GhettoPrincess Sat 03-Nov-12 05:32:28

Whaaat ! I accept you want to keep your family together but what sort of wake up call would wake him up ? 'Some woman ?' Why is he so disrespectful to you ? Then he got nasty in bed i.e. grabbing your skin and now you are sitting downstairs crying ?

Who gets the wake up call, you or him ? Him when you lock him out or do you think he will put you in hospital one day ?

riamay2011 Sat 03-Nov-12 06:36:18

Omg he sounds just like my DH it's unreal sad

WineGoggles Sat 03-Nov-12 07:38:24

He shirks his responsibilities
He doesn't honour agreements
He keeps promising to behave but doesn't
He blames you for all this.

He's spiteful when drunk.
Time to have "that talk" methinks, and explain that if doesn't take responsibility for his own actions and he lets you and your child down again there will be serious consequences. He's had plenty of chances, make this the last one.

BloodRedAlienReflux Sat 03-Nov-12 07:45:03

I would tell him to piss off for a couple of days! I would honestly, he's taking the absolute piss, and trying to make you feel you're 'nagging' and he's only having a laugh.
but this is persistent behaviour, that you have made clear is unacceptable. He's another teenage man, who needs telling you are 'some woman' that is deadly fucking serious.

Strawhatpirate Sat 03-Nov-12 07:48:52

If he has as many friends as he claims to then he will have lots of sofas to sleep on when you kick him out (which is what you should do). Massive red flags because of him getting physical and trying to make you feel isolated.

FiercePanda Sat 03-Nov-12 08:03:23

"Some woman"?! Grabbing you enough to hurt you?! Mocking you for having just a few close friends?! What kind of excuse for a man is he? Honestly, in your situation I'd be putting his clothes into bin bags, waking him at the crack of dawn and shoving him to the doorstep. He's yet another manchild. What's the bets his excuse'll be something like "but you never spend time with ME! You're always with the BABY!" like some spoiled three year old.

He needs a shock, OP, otherwise he'll continue to take the piss. Talking hasn't work; he just lies and says he won't do it again, but he will. Let one of his swarm of mates have him, see how they like it.

Youcanringmybell Sat 03-Nov-12 08:13:32

How are things this morning op?

I can totally understand how he has belittled you and now you feel like this is all on you now. He is being vile. You do not deserve to be treated this way. If you cannot get all your thoughts out by talking then write it down and give him a letter calmly going through what has happened and hiw you feel. He needs to know so that he can either sort himself out or leave.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 03-Nov-12 08:36:30


He threatened to hurt your hand the last time you wrote about this vile person and now he has actually hurt you. I would actually get your injury documented and talk to Womens Aid. All abusive types like your man always but always blame others; it is not your fault.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is keeping you within this?.
He calls you "some woman" and keeps breaking his promises to you. This is who he is; he will not change.

He is a manchild and an abusive one at that; he threatened to break your hand in your initial post.

This relationship is no decent role model for your children to be emulating is it?. What do you want to teach them about relationships?.

Proudnscary Sat 03-Nov-12 08:44:59

What Attila said

glastocat Sat 03-Nov-12 09:05:41

Attila is right. You deserve better.

Lueji Sat 03-Nov-12 09:45:39

I wish I locked that fucking door properly

He'll have to leave the house at some point...

Honestly, you have to draw the line somewhere.

Are you prepared for an ultimatum?
And to carry it forward?

daffydowndilly Sat 03-Nov-12 09:55:36

Sounds like my xh.

I would summarise mine using attilas words - 'manchild and abusive', add in alcoholic. I put up with it for 7 years, constant anxiety wondering if he was coming home like he promised, trying to control his behaviour, moods and drinking, getting so upset, being scared, forgiving him unconditionally. What happened was I ended up in a really really bad place emotionally, I was isolated, dependent, I was a single mother with no real support from my partner (actually quite the opposite, he demanded attention like a petulant toddler, and did zilch to support me).

I nearly had a breakdown trying to change things, got therapy, learnt it was ok to set boundaries for what I could not could not accept, he decided he didn't like 'ultimatums' (aka he wanted to do what he wanted, when he wanted, and continue lying and treating me like a fool/slave).

I grew a pair and he was out. But this cycle of behaviour was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, I was in hell, somewhere worse than hell - because I was married to a narcissistic child. Who was unable to love me, because he was so wrapped up in his own melodrama.

Looking back at it, I was so desperately unhappy, and ridiculously desperate to 'make it work'. Problem is he was totally unable to be the person I needed. He is a mess now, and I am still dealing with the fallout of that somewhat because we have young children together, and am having to really put in a lot of work to try and detach from him and the chaos he is creating in his life. He has found new people, in his case his parents, to enable him. And it is so sad. Such a waste of a life.

But I am not in the middle of it, I have taken my power back, and at least have a good chance of a real life.

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