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Please help? How do I stop loving the father of my baby? He's an arse BTW.

(4 Posts)
dollyindub Fri 02-Nov-12 20:42:40

Please give me some advise. I'll try to make this as brief as possible.
I'm 44, 5 week old baby, raising him pretty much alone and think I'm slowly cracking up due to the messed up relationship with his father.
My XP is a committment phobe (with me anyway) although we ended up living together after a couple of years of 'friends with benefits' - more of a benefit for him as I wanted a proper relationship.
Anyway, living together for 1 1/2 years when I found out I was pregnant. Big surprise est at my age, but I was delighted and wanted to keep the baby. He reacted really badly and finished with me as soon as I told him.
His reasons:
- Bad timing - he was at uni as a mature student on a difficult course to which he was devoting masses of time studying.
- Our relationship was on the rocks anyway - this was primarily due to his friendship with a college friend who was having marital difficulties and crying on his shoulder. She also met up with him during the summer break and brought her young child along to meet him. She called him and texted him a lot although when I was not around (I saw the call list on his mobile). When I had said I was uncomfortable about this he got defensive, defended her, and told me that my lack of trust was an issue for him etc etc, but no reassurance.
- That we should split before the baby was born as we would not go the distance anyway.
Because I loved him (and I was an idiot) I allowed him to continue living with me instead of kicking his arse out the door, as I thought he may change his mind. So I endured 6 months of sleeping back to back in the same bed and crying most nights.
Anyway, he moved out 3 months before DS was born and visited regularly, helping me, being friends etc. Was at the birth and was instantly enamoured with his son.
I moved into another property just before DS was born and XP has been sleeping in the spare room, we've been co-parenting when he's been around (usually 1-2 nights per week and Sat night depending on college workload).
Anyway on Monday I discovered he'd lied to me and he'd met the college friend and her child before coming to my home. I went mad as he'd lied to me but mostly because it was her. It transpires that she is seperated from her husband and XP is obviously very fond of her and her child.
We had a massive row about it where I said I do not want her any where near my baby (which I know is unreasonable) but I am raging because I think they are biding their time before starting a proper relationship.
He is treading v carefully with me as he knows I'm vunerable at the moment, but i'm gutted as I thought we'd maybe get back together and at least try being a familiy for my little boy's sake.
He's selfish and can be controlling, but can be lovely.
Why do I still want him? How will I cope with having to see him due to our son? How can I move on?
Sorry if any of this is confusing.

addictedtolatte Fri 02-Nov-12 21:09:33

so sorry your having to go through this op. i split up with my dp when 5 months pregnant with 2nd child he was scared of committment but we were together 16 years on and off. he wanted us to stay under same roof but not as a couple. i couldnt emotionaly cope and chose to leave. its 18 months on but i still love him ut refuse to let him hurt me. i do my contact pickup through my father. maybe your family could do the handovers for you if you choose to cut ties from him. so sorry for you i do know how you feel.

dollyindub Fri 02-Nov-12 21:35:00

Thanks for your reply addictedtolatte, unfortunately my family (and his) all live too far away otherwise this would be a great idea. I've never had the chance to get over him - with hindsight if i'd told him to go when he finished the relationship i'd have had some time, but I didn't foolishly.
Have you managed to move on at all?

addictedtolatte Fri 02-Nov-12 21:55:30

i did go through a phase i allowed him to come to my home to visit dcs but i realised i was still in love with him so had to arrange pickup through my dad. i find not having to see him much better as i think he knew i still loved him and played on it.

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