Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I need some perspective...I feel like i'm losing it!!!(7 Posts)
Hi, I need some perspective on my family and relationship. Those close to me, generally feel sorry for me so i thought you lot might be able to give me a more balanced perspective of my situation.
DP and I have been together 13 years , i had 2 dc when i met him, they are grown up and don't live at home now. i have a fantastic relationship with them both, we speak or text most days.
We have 3 dc together. Dd 11, ds(SN)7 & Ds4.
Im a SAHM, not a choice but due to ds SN. I had to give up work as ds didn't start school until he was 7. Now the reality of finding a job during school hours and the issue of his 17 weeks per annum school holidays, no child care as well as all the appointments i attend with him, makes it really difficult. Dp works rotating shifts, he gets 1 weekend a month off.
I have really struggled during this half term, all the dc have been very difficult in their own ways.Im at rock bottom today, dp is off so literally threw them out of the house!!
I had a sports camp organised for dd, she went 1 day and refused to go back. Ds with SN was booked into playscheme but totally freaked out on me and refused to go out for the rest of the week. Ds4 is a typical 4 year old and was bored by Tuesday. Dd is really stroppy and difficult and ds4 is a lively noisy little boy. I find their behaviour difficult and tend to avoid visiting my mum or sisters as its embarressing and stressful.
Dp never offers to take over, i do everything. I have to instruct him with each and every detail to do with dc or house. Normally i feel like i am SAHM, he goes to work, he's taken a lower paid job due to redundancy last year, all credit to him as its been really hard for him. I see the house and dc as my job. I deal with all appointments with ds, the schools, HCP etc. I have to remind the proffessionials, im not a single parent as they often have presumed i am! Dp refuses to attend any of the appointments, has never attended any appointment, even the day of ds dx.
I have developed anxiety and stress over the last few months and just need dp to take over or say, 'have a few hours off, i will take dc out', but he never does. I've tried explaining to him what its like but he has no idea, how would he, he's never dealt with anything! I have no life away from the home, money is a massive issue, my oldest friend lives 100 miles away. I have no close friends locally and my family really don't understand ds SN's.
I should have by this stage in my life had a great, well paid career, own home, holidays etc. I feel stuck and frustrated. I have considered leaving or splitting up with dp but due to ds SN i am scared we would end up living on benefits. This situation is so far removed from my old life i don't recognise myself. How do i move forward, am i being unfair to dp and taking my frustrations out on him? How do other parents deal with these sorts of issues?
You need help, a break. Can you not apply for respite? Shouldn't the state provide you with a carer who comes once a weke and gives you a few hours off?
otherwise, your DP could try and be a bit more understanding. Perhaps just put him in front of a fait accomplie, like telling him on saturday morning tata, I'm going out, I left you a note int he kitchen with instructions for the DCs. See you in 2 hours and you leave....
Your family could also be a bit more understanding. You don't need to be embarrassaed, just ask for their help!
I don't think you're being unfair. He does sod all but his job. You don't sound like partners, sharing family life & responsibilities - you sound like you are very alone.
I would hate the fact that he doesn't attend any appointments - where's the emotional support? Where's the interest in his own dc?
I think you need to be ^ very^ blunt with your DH when requesting help, i.e. "DH you need to take the kids out on X day for X hours because I need a break". Or as a PP suggested, "DH I am going out on X day shopping/for coffee/to the gym do you'll have to take care of the children".
Do it, and do it regularly, before you lose the plot.
Thank you for your replies...i actually thought to myself people reading my post will think Im whinging...
We used to have 6 hrs a week of respite but the lady left&Im trying to sort out direct payments for ds. DCT are a nightmare and I've ended up so frustrated dealing with them but i know i need to get this organised.
Dp says he dosn't think etc when i point things out to him,he dosn't listen to me most of the time.
Its often the fact of having to instruct him that annoys me...esp when Im exhausted but its my only option really-isn't it?!
ONly the weekend to go OP.. then they're back at school
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.