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How and why did I lose all my friends?

(56 Posts)
Secretservice Fri 02-Nov-12 11:13:26

I'm feeling so sad today. I just want to hide away and cry, because there doesn't seem to be anyone left in RL to talk to.

I've tried to keep upbeat, cos I hate feeling so pathetic and worthless. It's not really me, but just don't have the energy left to fake it anymore.

My h left in July, but is back, not because he wants to be, but because ow threw him out. And he's not going anywhere. Sol said I had little chance of getting occupation order. Can't sell house not enough equity, rent for me and 3 DCs would cost more than mortgage etc etc.

But the real point of the post is that nobody outside the house seems to care. My 'friends' just seem to have disappeared, some a few years ago when we moved, despite promises to keep in touch. But the final straw was texting two yesterday both of whom I've known for more than 20 years, saying I was struggling, to get only one reply saying 'sorry to hear that, we must get together soon, but busy til after Xmas'! sad

I have no friends where I live. Only socialise with people from work, which is two hours away. but I'm on holiday this week and facing the prospect of having to sit in my room tonight and all day tomorrow, as I can stand to be in the same room as h, but nor do I want to go out by myself and reinforce the sense that there's nobody else.

So what I need is some tips on getting thru til next Thursday, when I go back to work.
Sorry it's so long. Maybe that's a clue as to where my friends went - I bored them away

dequoisagitil Fri 02-Nov-12 11:19:07

Oh that's awful, I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

Please don't stay in - go to a fitness class or for a swim? - sitting in on your own will just make you feel worse. Or arrange to meet your work-mates and travel in.

Is a divorce in progress?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 02-Nov-12 11:27:33

Who are your closest friends - regardless of location? Call them.

Join any and all social activities you can think of : book club, stitch 'n bitch circle, dog park or play group buddies, hiking club... anything. Talk to people. It will take time to build up relationships to the point where you can talk about your personal struggles with them, but even a little bit of light socialization will lift your mood. And from these interactions, a couple solid friendships are likely to emerge with time.

Finally, get your divorce proceedings started: living in the same house with an unfaithful H who has shown you so much disregard is unlikely to be god for your mood. Freedom from such a marriage will bring you great happiness.

HeftyHeifer Fri 02-Nov-12 11:37:41

I'm in a very similar situation. Always had plenty of friends but since my divorce I appear to have none left.
I agree to get your divorce moving.
If you happen to be in Cheshire or North Staffs drop me a PM, maybe we can get together for coffee and a chat.

Secretservice Fri 02-Nov-12 11:44:00

Thanks Dequois.I can't meet work mates, as they'll all be working til 10 tomorrow night, which is how I've managed to survive the past two months of h being back in the house.

No divorce as yet, doesn't seem much point, it would just add solicitor bills to our/his debts and will still leave problem of the millstone house.

You're right about having to get out, just unused to doing anything for or by myself. Will check out swimming. Maybe yoga for during the day. It's the evening I fear. We don't even have two TVs

BethFairbright Fri 02-Nov-12 11:44:12

Poor you. You sound depressed more than anything else. Have you thought about a visit to your GP?

What did you actually say to your old friends in those texts? I'm thinking that if they are good friends and knew how bad you were feeling, you would have got a very different response.

BethFairbright Fri 02-Nov-12 11:47:46

Regarding the weekend, if your husband is going to be around to look after his children - is there any chance you could ask a work friend if you could go and stay with her for the weekend, even if she's not around for most of it, working. It would be a change of scenery, a different town to explore and you'd have company when she was not at work?

Secretservice Fri 02-Nov-12 11:51:31

Hotdamn, I tried to contact my closest friends, seems they don't feel the same way.

This is going to sound just so defeatist and you'll all lose patience with me. I have tried two book clubs both stopped within a couple weeks of joining, at least that's what I was told! Kids are all too old to meet friends' parents now, they all sort their own social lives. Joined a choir, managed three weeks before illness, car issues etc intervened so I missed 4, and can't go back til after performance in three weeks.

So I have been trying, just keep being blocked at every turn

CiderwithBuda Fri 02-Nov-12 11:51:38

I read a previous post by you regarding your situation with your H.

That is what is dragging you down. You can't go on like this. I don't quite understand how he ended up back in your house but there must be some way to sort this out.

myroomisatip Fri 02-Nov-12 12:05:38

Ahhh I am in exactly the same boat! Living with my STBX and when he is home I spend all my time in my room... every long sodding lonely minute. The friends I have all have families or jobs. I have no t.v., either, I only have my little netbook and I watch a few t.v. programmes on that. My adult kids are just the same, come in and go straight to their rooms (unless they want something!) sad

Life just seems totally pointless. Sometimes I wake up in the morning to find that the house is empty, everybody spent the night somewhere else. It hurts to think there is a world full of people and I dont matter to anybody sad

So if it is any consolation you are not alone! I just tell myself that it wont last forever.

Secretservice Fri 02-Nov-12 12:05:56

I'm not sure if I'm depressed or not. Had 6 weeks GP counselling which ended in Sept. Helped a little, but then he was still not back, so I felt the best I'd done in years.

Beth I have talked to a couple work mates, they 're both going to different hen nights sad for me anyway.

My texts said something like hi, not heard from you in a while. Hope you're ok. I'm struggling a bit with life and h, but surviving' or some such across a couple of texts. Haven't even had a reply from one
Hefty, thanks for the offer, but sadly I couldn't be much further away! I'm in east Kent, miles from civilisation!

dequoisagitil Fri 02-Nov-12 12:14:04

Oh I think there's a point in getting divorced. It's movement in the right direction .

When you say about the blocking of ideas and sounding defeatist - could it be that your friends are fed up of it and might be stepping out on you because of it? I know it's real and there are reasons for you feeling so trapped in your situation, btw.

And if you are depressed, which seems likely, those blocks seem insurmountable, when there might be ways around.

myroomisatip Fri 02-Nov-12 12:19:47

I dont think I am so far from you, let me know if you want to meet up for a coffee.

BethFairbright Fri 02-Nov-12 12:20:07

I think texts can be so misleading and not the best way to communicate. I'd like to think as a friend I would have focused on the word 'struggling' but suspect they've focused on 'surviving' and therefore haven't really grasped how bad you're truly feeling.

Have you been a good friend yourself in the past? Have you made as much effort to arrange dates, keep in touch etc. or have you waited for people to come to you so that you don't feel rejected? I'm not just talking about how you were throughout the recent trauma, but before everything went wrong at home?

Secretservice Fri 02-Nov-12 12:45:39

Dequois and Beth, I think I've been a good friend, generally yes. Probably eight of 10 times we meet up its at my instigation. I don't think they can be fed up of my attitude, Im really sure this has only come on since he moved back. One of them doesn't even know that yet! I was quite positive when he first went, it'd been a long time coming, with blame on both sides

Maybe I do need to rethink my friendships though. I don't want to feel I only call on them when I'm down, but I've never had the sort of friends where you can just ring and natter. Before we moved there wasn't week when we weren't in each others houses or out, but there hasn't been any transfer if that. We need to be together to chat, but it doesn't happen that often

Cider, I'm very easy to spot even with namechanges to put H off the scent. Being on here was one of the cracks in our marriage

Myroom I have replied to your pm. Thanks

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-Nov-12 12:54:22

Sorry for your trouble, I wish I lived in your area to get together. I have tried keeping up with friends over the years and it isn't a 1 way street, we all have our own stresses and distractions. Quite often colleagues and acquaintances vastly outnumber the family members and good friends. It's not just plain apathy that sees friendships falter. Time and distance can play their part.

This weekend are there local events taking place, is there a cinema or theatre, are you near to a leisure centre for swimming or a gym?

Longterm, I know you are working but at weekends could you consider volunteering as a way to get out, meet people, do something fresh? I was thinking of an organisation like RSPCA if you like animals I believe they are glad of extra hands at weekends. Or is there a Visitors' voluntary scheme at a hospital local to you?

BessieMcBean Fri 02-Nov-12 13:01:15

The best way to lift spirits for me is to feel you are doing something about it and not just stuck. So go to the library where there should be posters of what goes on in the area. Volunteering? is there a support group or dogs home where you can offer services, though admit that is tricky if it's the evenings you have to fill, and dogs don't chat back. Look at doing some studying in the evenings?

MamaMary Fri 02-Nov-12 13:03:09

OP, sorry you feel a bit miserable, understandably.

If I received a text from a text that contained the word 'struggling', no matter how positive the rest of the text was, I would do my damndest to contact her and meet up with her.

MouMouCow Fri 02-Nov-12 13:10:17

In the evenings, why don't you go to the moivies to see the new James Bond (with your name...), or a comedy of some kind. I used to go to the movies alone for a while and there are always other people sitting on their own. And in the darkness it doens't matter.

carefulobserver Fri 02-Nov-12 21:41:56

In a rush and haven't read all the other posts but I read something on another thread about mumsnet buddy benches - some new thing they've set up that matches people who need some real life support with other mumsnetters who are happy to provide it (just a cuppa and a chat in many cases). Don't know if this would work for you - but think many people are in the same situation, hence why they've introduced it.

Secretservice Sat 03-Nov-12 12:12:46

Thanks to everyone for their advice, took myself out for a long walk yesterday and couldn't face the lively strangers showing me more care and sympathy than almost life-long 'friends'.

Maybe there is something I'm doing wrong. As a child I didn't have much practise with long term friends as my dad was a soldier and I never spent more than two years in any school until secondary - which I pretty much hated. I have no friends now from school and just two from uni. These and two others I thought would be there for me, but it seems not sad

Urggh now I'm just being self indulgent, but thanks again. It does help to think 'out loud' sometimes

Myroomsatip, I hope you got my PM.

Mayisout Sat 03-Nov-12 14:45:23

Yes, writing things down is very helpful at stopping thoughts going round and round your head. Make a point of writing things down every day, it can also encourage you to have a cry when you see it written down, if you are feeling very low, which also helps to offload your feelings.

I would say there is roughly one thread a week on MN about the poster feeling lonely so you are definitely not alone as far as that is concerned.

I am retirement age and there are tons of books aimed at people retiring and loneliness is an issue there at a major life change when you give up working. They recommend you find 'your passion' to fill your time, plus all the usual stuff about volunteering etc. Anyway, finding your passion is easier said than done, but I have found that I have done many different things, and tried different hobbies in the search for my passion. This leads to, not yet new bestest buddies, but alot of interesting people and ones I would never come across in normal life.

So, in a long winded way I am suggesting you look for your passion - jewellery making, mountain climbing, becoming an author, new career -just anything. Then you find yourself focussing on what could be in the future, not what is missing now.

Adversecamber Sat 03-Nov-12 21:16:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Secretservice Sun 04-Nov-12 13:36:03

Well after whining on here decided I had to pulls self together and contacted a woman who I knew on a 'going morning, how are you' basis for a while and went out for a drink last night. Had a really good time smile

Also, hope to have made new friend in myroomisatip!

And in the spirit of moving on have dipped my toe into dating sites eek! All very scary after 20 years with the same man

None of which really masks the hurt of lost friends, but maybe will distract enough for a while, tll I can deal with it

springyspring Sun 04-Nov-12 14:58:15

I've had a very similar experience recently when the shit hit the fan in awesome proportions.... and my 'friends' disappeared. It is a huge shock that they're not there when I really need them. It has sent me into a spin, I can tell you. I'm doing all the reevaluating stuff, the 'is it me?' stuff. but I'm sorry, if a friend is in need you do what you can to get there for them. Ive had to spell it out to one friend and we'll see how that pans out (I managed to keep the lid on, didn't have a tantrum or anything) - she said she 'didn't know what to say'. Well, say something/anything, girlfriend; get in the pit with me for 20 minutes, it won't kill you. I'd be so angry at the 'busy until after Xmas' shit tbf.

i fear I'm not making a lot of sense. well done for making a new friend (or friends if you count people on here smile ) but you don't have to feel shit for feeling shit iyswim. YOu don't have to cover it up. YOu're feeling shit - not surprising, your situation is s-h-i-t so don't feel you have to be jolly so people will like you. If they don't like you when you're not jolly then they're not friends.

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