Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Not feeling very special

(16 Posts)
snailfiddler Fri 02-Nov-12 09:12:32

Ok, so I am a long time lurker, occasional poster, in need of a bit of backup.

I have been seeing my BF for 6 months. We normally spend at least three nights a week together, usually the majority of the weekend and a night in the week. . For the last 2 weeks we have only spent one night together due to childcare commitments/different half terms/work/his shift times etc.

When he was here last weekend, he said that his parents (who I have met a few times) were hosting a fireworks party for his extended family, including some who live overseas, this Friday. He said that his parents had invited me and my DC (they've not met them yet) but that he (so, we) wouldn't be going as his own DD is away with his XP, but he suggested that we do some fireworks here with my DC this Sat.

Just before he left on Sunday, I asked when I would see him again (tricky this week due to his shifts) and he said that he would come over on Friday, (so this would mean that he would be spending Friday night to Sunday at mine as he lives 25 miles away and we normally stay at each other's).

However...

Last night he rang me on his way in to work to tell me that some mates had asked him out on Sat night and did I mind if he went. I said no because he hasn't been out with them in the 6 months we have been together, they had a weekend away ages ago but that's all, so he rarely sees them. Anyway I checked that he was still coming over today and he said no because he is going to his parent's after all to see his uncle who lives abroad. He forgot that he had plans to come over. He said we could go out with our DC's on Sunday for the day, lunch out etc and fireworks later at his.

Tbh our DC's don't get on that great, there's some bickering and it can be hard work (girls of a similar age), plus we won't get any time just the two of us. I feel pretty pissed off to be relegated to Sunday.

He has cancelled two arrangements with me over this weekend, with hours to spare and "forgetting" that he had plans with me hardly makes it better does it?

snailfiddler Fri 02-Nov-12 09:59:40

Please someone, I know its a mammoth post but didn't want to drip feed. Do you think he's taking the piss?

DragonMamma Fri 02-Nov-12 10:26:50

I think YABabitU from what you've said of your relationship so far. He doesn't seem to be flakey from what you've said.

Sometimes life just gets in the way and I think if this is just a one off incident I wouldn't read too much in to it - he hasn't been out with his mates for 6 months and his uncle is over from abroad!

By all means feel a bit disappointed but to say you don't feel special is a bit OTT. I wouldn't tell him you don't feel special either - he would probably think you're a bit mad if it's just this one weekend

Pancakeflipper Fri 02-Nov-12 10:32:41

Sounds like his life is busy. I read it and thought you are not top of his list at the moment.
Do you go to stay at his weekends or does he have to come to you each weekend?

Do you think it's the brush off?
Talk to him. Tell him how you feel.

Lovingfreedom Fri 02-Nov-12 10:41:55

Just a thought but maybe his parents are being a bit pushy with him and he's not ready to do the big extended family plus you and your DC kind of thing ... He's also neglected his friends a bit during the first stage of your relationship.

It might be a sign of him backing off...but it could also be more like a bit of healthy breathing space.

However, cancelling/changing plans at short notice is rude and disrespectful of your time. I'd look out for that in future and also have plenty of your own plans in place. Avoid giving him the impression that you can always be flexible and fit in with what suits him.

FML Fri 02-Nov-12 10:54:50

It is one weekend. He has family coming over, and has probably been put under some pressure to go seeming how he wouldn't of seen them for a while, and he is going out with his friends for the first time in a while as he usually dedicates his time to you. And you don't feel special enough because, for one weekend, he will only be seeing you for one day? You have his time every other weekend, let the poor guy spend some time with his family and friends without being made to feel guilty.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-Nov-12 12:01:21

Can see you are disappointed perhaps in part because you feel poorly repaid for not objecting to him seeing his mates on Saturday night which was flexible and reasonable of you.
It sounds like things have been very busy for everyone the past fortnight and as suggested, family pressure can mount up when overseas relatives are visiting. Forgetting today's arrangements wasn't his finest hour but I don't think this heralds doom for the future, if I were you I would give him the benefit of the doubt this time and make the most of Sunday.
Tbh the issue of the DDs sounds a thornier problem.

WineGoggles Fri 02-Nov-12 15:21:10

Totally agree with Donkey and others.

Numberlock Fri 02-Nov-12 15:27:13

He said that his parents had invited me and my DC

Why can't you go with him tonight as you were originally invited?

(And I agree with everyone else, you both have busy lives and this weekend is a one-off. He sounds fine to me.)

ClippedPhoenix Fri 02-Nov-12 15:35:25

I'd stop "asking" him all the time about arrangements. Start to "fit him in" a bit now.

Taking it at face value - it's one weekend out of 6 months?

He hasn't seen his friends in 6 months? So I don't really think you could say he was taking the piss.

People need space, and he already told you that there was family coming from a long way.

Are you more pissed off because you don't get to meet his family, more than the weekend plans. Is this why you don't feel special? Do you think he is putting off introducing you to family?

If I were you I'd sack the weekend and do something nice with my dc's and friends and have some time to myself.

crypes Fri 02-Nov-12 15:39:04

Praps you are beginning to feel your getting into a situation where you are hanging about for him because obviously you want to spend every spare minute with him and he is beginning to fill up his time with other stuff and other people . Praps just assess each week from now how much time his giving over to your relationship .

snailfiddler Fri 02-Nov-12 15:48:12

Thanks, everyone. I agree, it's one weekend in 6 months. He does see his friends at other times, football matches etc but hasn't been out for an evening with them in that time. The thing is, I am more than happy for him to see his friends/uncle etc and do his own things, just we had plans for Fri and Sat and I feel a bit "demoted" and let down.

I meant taking the piss as in changing plans at short notice and forgetting our plans, not as in generally taking the piss, he is very good generally.

We normally do alternate weekends at each other's houses but my DC's live with me and his work is about midway between his house and my house so he normally comes over one night in the week as well (shifts allowing).

I'm not upset about not meeting his extended family, we have met each other's parents so far, not siblings etc so that's fine with me.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 02-Nov-12 15:52:03

Still stop making all your plans round him though OP.

snailfiddler Fri 02-Nov-12 17:09:40

Yeah clipped maybe Friday should be my own night to see friends etc. It's hard not to make all my plans around him when my DC live with me and his DD doesn't live with him. Means that he is more flexible and I am more tied down and stuck at home I suppose...

ClippedPhoenix Fri 02-Nov-12 19:58:05

I know OP, I'm in the same position and it's so easy to slip into that mode hence my post.

Doesn't do you any favours to always be there though.

Good plan about a Friday OP. Even if you don't go out have a mate round etc.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now