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Feeling like a not very nice person :-( Had a go at DH when i know it is not his fault

(7 Posts)
AlphaBeta82 Fri 02-Nov-12 09:07:21

Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to crawl back into bed? I have a wonderful, wonderful DH, I thank my lucky stars for him on a daily basis and he treats me like I am the most perfect person on the planet (which I really am not!).

We have a very full and busy life with both of us working. this morning I got up early with DS (20mths) as DH had done the early shift for the last few days, fed DH, sorted his pack lunch etc, then DH got up and I went to walk the dogs, had a shower etc. By this point it was about 20mins before we both had to leave. DH and DS had been playing so much that DS wasn't dressed yet. We swapped so DH could get ready for work and (as usual) DS threw the biggest tantrum for me, not sure if it was about daddy going or me trying to get him dressed, probably a bit of both. Then as usual DH hurries getting changed and sweeps back in and rescues the situation. I had a full on 15min tantrum from DS, screaming, kicking etc and DH just scoops him up and he is as happy as larry once again. I snapped at DH that he always reinforced with DS that I was the nasty one and he was the good one, I was always left to do all the practical bits and he got the playtime (this isn't really true, DH really does pull his weight) and DS hated me because of it, and DH didn't help by not letting me calm the situation but always playing the hero 'rescuing DS from mummy.'

I stormed out to go to work and as soon as I got in the car burst into tears and went back into the house to give them both a kiss goodbye and tell them I love them, which I did. Poor DH looked shell shocked at my outburst, kept checking I was alright, as we never, ever argue, and I just went to work in tears. Also DH has a lot on his plate at the moment

I know this sounds really silly to some people but I just feel dreadful now and don't know whether it is because I just feel feel like a rubbish mother and a rubbish wife and deep down I really do feel like DS hates me at the moment. This is on top of me having to come home from work yesterday as DS was poorly, went to the DR's with him, he threw another almighty tantrum and I got two horrid comments from the receptionist staff, then work started on at me about my hours and all the work I had on. None of this is helped by me being 9wks pregnant with DC2, we've had 3 MCs this year so are both very on edge about this pregnancy. I've got a scan on monday which I am really nervous about. We've also had lots and lots of problems with DHs family which has been extremely stressful and my work is very pressurised at the moment which I am struggling to deal with as suffering from sickness and tiredness dreadfully.

Sorry for the very long post, I think I just needed to vent. just re-read and it seems so silly but has really upset me, I've sent apologetic text and DH has said I am worrying about nothing, really not a problem. just feeling like I don't deserve this family today!

CogitoErgoSparklers Fri 02-Nov-12 09:16:19

So you lost your temper.... it happens. There seem to be a lot of stresses in that story so it's more rather than less likely you'll lose it again at some point. Nothing got broken and no-one got hurt. You're not a 'rubbish mother' so enough with the self-pity - it solves nothing. You apologised so you don't have to keep on apologising.

Instead, have a chat with DH when everything is calm, explain that getting DS all excited when he's meant to be getting dressed doesn't help the morning go smoothly, 'rescuing him from mummy' makes you feel like crap.... then come up with a plan for tomorrow/next week that avoids the same thing happening again and deal with it intelligently as a couple...

CogitoErgoSparklers Fri 02-Nov-12 09:18:36

Should have added.... in the same chat about how to make mornings go smoothly talk about your apprehension about the pregnancy, your problems at work, the fact that you feel sick etc. It's OK to shout 'Help. I'm not coping. I need some TLC'.... there are no medals for battling on.

caramal Fri 02-Nov-12 09:24:09

I agree. You just lost your temper.. We all do. You are both under a lot of stress it's bound to happen. To be honest I don't think you did anything wrong DS and his tantrums seems to be a long standing problem and if you didn't have that outburst you would have got more aggravated/irate. You've apologised and DH said not to worry so that's the main thing. Think you and your husband need to have a chat and he needs to tell your son to listen/behave for mommy and work with you to calm him down.

lucyellenmum Fri 02-Nov-12 09:28:15

Oh, poor you - but you know, i think its good that you pulled your DH on this, maybe later you can have a proper chat with him about this because my DP did/does this and it breeds resentment. DD is seven now and i am definately bad cop in this house - im the one who has to be the "do your homework" "hurry up we are going to be late" whilst daddy is the one ready wiht the cuddles etc. He can't bear to see DD upset, but sometimes you have to be firm. He is anything for an easy life - but this generally makes life harder for me, so don't let it continue. Nip it in the bud, tell him if you are dealing with the situation then to step back, if you need help you will ask for it and make sure you DO ask for it, its a fine line between letting you deal with thing and then not helping at all.

Its Friday, make sure you have a lovely weekend together, your DH sounds lovely x

Lovingfreedom Fri 02-Nov-12 09:35:14

You're right OP you've had a bit of a shitty start to the day. The morning pantomime routine can be stressful in most households I think. IME there is a very brief respite between the stage when everyone can put on their own clothes, and the stage where they all start spending hours in the bathroom.

You've said sorry to your DH. You sound like you're generally pretty happy with your, albeit hectic, family life and marriage. Your DH could also do with acknowledging that he didn't help matters this morning by getting your DS all over-excited and without seeing to the essentials (i.e. getting dressed) first. Not fair to do that then make you the bad guy for putting an end to the fun. Calm discussion and bit of a shift in morning routine called for I think...and for now, be kind to yourself today and don't give yourself a hard time for being human.

AlphaBeta82 Fri 02-Nov-12 09:48:55

Apologies to everyone, now I've calmed down a bit I realise how silly this actually is, but writing it down helped me see that, so that part good I suppose. I think truth is everything has got to me a bit recently and that is the bigger issue. Very long story but problems with DH family have put us in a very tricky situation financially, I am worried about this, esp with another baby on the way. I run a small new business which is going well at the moment but I know needs a lot of work to survive whilst I take maternity leave as because of our situation we rely heavily now on me making this a success. I feel huge pressure from this. None of this had become an issue when we were trying for a baby and now I'm pregnant it all hit out the blue, and at the same time I am desperate to hold onto this pregnancy as I think another MC will go over the limit of what I can take!

DH knows I am under stress and I think just trying to help in the ways he knows how. I also think we need to find new ways of dealing with our 20mth old now we are well into tantrum stage, we've always operated a positive/ attachment parenting style but this needs to evolve I feel as he grows, I think we need to decide how to deal with this together and pick/ evolve a new approach.

Sorry for the self pitying moan! It is friday afterall, I have a whole weekend off with DS and DH to have some fun, happy times.

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