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Are we fading out or is this normal progression in a relationship?

(16 Posts)
GrottyQualityStreets Fri 02-Nov-12 09:01:11

Been together about 4 months, 4 months of lust, great sex, mad ideas, loads of soppy texts and periods of not being able to keep our hands off each other.

Coming up to the 4 month mark now and it's different. Noticed it last week. He comes around to my house and we watch TV - we don't sit there snogging or having in depth chats about our relationship, we just sit there watching telly. Making the odd cuppa. Going to bed about 11.30pm. The texts are now minimal - one in a morning and maybe a couple on a night time. The sex has changed too. Once this week he has asked me to go on top as he was tired (which I did) and last night he started and then stopped saying he was too knackered to carry on. We went to sleep - although he did cuddle me all night.

Maybe we're seeing too much of each other? he's staying at my house 3/4 nights a week. Or is this just normal relationship progression?

Another thing is, I used to obsess over him constantly and couldn't wait to see him when we were apart - now I'm more "meh" - I like him being here, I like having someone to watch TV with and hug in bed but I no longer feel like my life depends on it. Maybe I'm becomming more secure in the relationship that I don't feel like I need him with me 24/7? or am I just getting bored of it? I can't tell.

Lovingfreedom Fri 02-Nov-12 10:34:34

After 4 months? Sounds boring.

WhoWhatWhereWhen Fri 02-Nov-12 10:44:11

Looks like you're moving into the next phase of this relationship to me, maybe you have been overdosing on each other, it is difficult to sustain such strong feelings.

A1980 Fri 02-Nov-12 11:02:37

I think its normal progression to a certain extent. But if I May say, you might have gone in too quickly.

How many times a week do you see each other?

I've been with my dp for 7 months. We work quite far away from each other so we could only meet once a week or so. we took it slowly as we really liked each other and did not sleep together for about 5 months into the relationship.

We're still not able to meet that much so our relationship still feels brand new as there is so much we haven't done yet. its just getting started.

If you're getting accustomed to each other perhaps take a step back and not see each other so often. Perhaps it'll rekindle it.I think 3-4 nights a week so early on is far too much.

DawnOfTheDee Fri 02-Nov-12 11:07:18

It could be normal cooling down or (and I think possibly more likely from your OP) it might be that now the initial 'fizz' has gone there's actually not that much to the relationship and you might not be right for each other.

Lovingfreedom Fri 02-Nov-12 11:08:59

The next phase?? lol couldn't resist...

....oh you go on, I went on top last time, you go on top...oh Christ, but I'm knackered and I put the bins out. Do you actually want to shag anyway? Well... if your quick...Sportscene starts soon. Nah let's not bother. Four months eh? Yeah...four months...just think...could have been jailed for a minor assault... and be out on good behaviour by now. Oh you..! hmmm....Can you remember what we were doing four months ago? Yeah, we'd just met and we were screwing like the future of our species depended on it, going on dates and...talking to each other... Aw...couldn't last forever though could it? I love you. oh come here, give us a cuddle, you soppy git... and pass the did someone say something about a cuppa?

lucyellenmum Fri 02-Nov-12 11:16:02

The starting and not finishing would be a bit of an issue for me tbh. You should still be shagging like rabbits. He has something on his mind, it could be that things are cooling, he feels a bit overwhelmed, bored or he might have some issues that are nothing to do with you (work etc) that are bothering him.

Maybe its time for the "how do we think things are going chat"

How do you feel about the thought of him never coming back - that should gauge where you are.

It is ok just to enjoy watching tv together but maybe you need to make and effort to do Stuff, you sound like me and DP, but weve been together for 20 years.

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 02-Nov-12 11:21:24

Have to agree that the general watching TV etc thing sounds normal, but the sex and contact is odd.

After 5 years with my OH, he has never been "too tired" to finish - you are either too tired to start, or you are okay to have sex. I'd be mortified if he just stopped, and I'd really struggle not to take that to mean the spark has gone.

I live with my OH and we text all the time. Just random things. Pictures of the cat, an update on what's happening, a question - we like talking, so it's natural to talk lots. He calls me when he's walking into work, sometimes on lunch and to let me know he's on his way home. We have plenty to say to each other. If after four months you don't have much to say, it doesn't bode well for the relationship years down the line.

I think the most telling thing is that you don't miss him, and you seem aware that this is dying out. I think most of the time, your instincts are right.

Dahlen Fri 02-Nov-12 11:23:29

How do you feel about him as a person? Would you enjoy a lunch date where sex wasn't on the agenda simply because you can talk - not necessarily deep and meaningfuls but just silly stuff the way you would with a female friend?

If you don't, chances are this whole thing was just based on lust and nothing else. Which happens and is fine as long as you both know when to call it a day with no negativity.

Wonderful though it is, it is impossible to sustain that first headiness of a relationship. And what replaces it (if it's a good relationship, plenty aren't of course) is actually better. Greater intimacy and knowledge of each other brings its own rewards, some of which also translate into the bedroom. But it is different.

The change in sex is a difficult one. The overwhelming need to rip each other's clothes off as soon as you lay eyes on each other will inevitably settle down over time. Likewise, due to real life, there are going to be occasions when sex is a disappointment. It's only realistic to accept that. But - and it's a big but - once you start getting frisky with each other it should be possible most of the time, to excite each other as much as in those first throes of romance. He may have been tired the other night which is fair enough, but if his enthusiasm continues to wane, you may well have problems.

If you google the physiology of love you'll realise that it's perfectly normal for feelings to subside. This is because the cascade of chemical reactions that occur in the brain when we fall in love/lust are actually very similar to mental illness grin (hence 'madness of love' 'lovesick' 'fool for love' etc ^ad nauseam^). If we all stayed in that state permanently, the world would grind to a halt and we'd all get terribly ill. After the initial hormone frenzy controlling lust, new hormones are created that encourage us to bond longer term. If you're with someone who shares your outlook on life, interests, values, etc., you'll find the initial attraction cemented. For many couples, the greater security this phase offers is a payoff in itself. If you're with someone who isn't well suited to you, however, it just becomes boring or suffocating.

In your shoes, have a long hard think about whether you are well matched with this guy and then give it some time to see if the progression is something that makes you feel good or bored. In the meantime though, just don't commit to anything that could make you feel trapped or him feel led on if you later decide this isn't for you.

BloodRedAlienReflux Fri 02-Nov-12 11:26:36

4 months???!! we aren't like that after 12 years!!! ok, maybe the slobbing around bit smile But seriously, if my OH stopped half way through sex, and said I can't be arsed to finish, I would be worried! especially after 4 months?!
and getting you to go on top cos he's tired, what is up with that? OK, we take it in turns, but because it feels good, not because we haven't got the energy!
I would have concerns if I was you, you need to talk!

ClippedPhoenix Fri 02-Nov-12 11:30:09

Sounds totally boring to me OP.

So he's at yours 4/5 nights a weeks... Does he bring groceries and cook, does he take you out? Or does he just plonk himself on your sofa?

As for the sex, well he just can't be bothered about you really can he. Why do you have to do all the work?

I'd cut the seeing him thing back to a couple of nights a week and think about trading him in for a better model really.

OhEmGee25 Fri 02-Nov-12 12:04:36

If you insist on seeing each other so many nights a week go out and do things: dinner, theatre, drinks or just a walk. You should be doing exciting things not staying in watching tv til 11.30 every night. Go on proper dates. I've been with my bf 10months and we're forever doing spontaneous fun things.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Fri 02-Nov-12 12:08:05

It sounds frankly tedious, why not bin, amicably and move on? A relationship should make your life better, not bore you and make you uneasy.

There is nothing wrong at all in having a short-lived fling and calling a halt to it when you're bored.

GrottyQualityStreets Fri 02-Nov-12 16:23:46

Ok I wasn't very fair in my OP.

He does take me out, he's forever buying us tickets to things, last weekend was my favourite comedian, next week he's got us tickets to see a band, we're going to a concert in a couple of days and spending the night away, we're going away for a whole weekend in December and we're going out tonight.

I suppose it's the sex thing that bothered me. I mean, it was weird the way it happened. Plenty of foreplay, a bit of sex and then "sorry, I'm too knackered to carry on" - we laid there hugging for a while, he initiated foreplay again (got me bloody horny again!) and then stopped to go to sleep!! wtf? it felt a almost ... dare I say, controlling? I've heard of men (and women to be fair) deliberately turning their partners on only to withhold sex afterwards. He was very affectionate in other ways though, kept stroking my face and my hair, held me tight to him all night, was lovely to me this morning and has sent me nice soppy texts today.

I don't know, I just sense something has changed. Maybe it's me that has changed rather than him? If he gets drunk tonight I'll find out if something is bothering him anyway (motor-mouth when drunk!)

GrottyQualityStreets Fri 02-Nov-12 16:28:11

You know what? I think the issue could be that I've regained some perspective and realised that, whilst yes, he is a sexy bugger and I like his company, he isn't all that. Yeah I hope we last but if not, I'll find someone else - it won't be the end of the world. I think maybe I became far too obsessed far too early and now the reality has hit me in the face and I've realized I need a bit of self esteem and I need to realise I AM worthy. He isn't better than me. I don't need to be intimidated by him. Great bloke yes, but god he aint.

lucyellenmum Fri 02-Nov-12 17:11:30

Have you thought, that maybe, just maybe - he was actually tired grin 20 years in and DP has been known to fall asleep during foreplay shock

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