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Is this the best I can get?

(24 Posts)
besticando Fri 02-Nov-12 00:03:06

I have been with my oh 6 years, living together for 3. He has childfen, I have one dc.

He treats my dc different to his as his dc arent

ZZZenAgain Fri 02-Nov-12 00:05:32

differently in which ways? And how old are all the dc? Do his dc live with you?

besticando Fri 02-Nov-12 00:06:29

Here as much as mine.

I long for,the days it was just me and my dc

Is it normal for your oh to irritate the fuck out of you, even though he has done nothing "wrong"?

My oh tries to make me and me dc conform to,his expectstions but,we don't want to, we were happy before

monsterchild Fri 02-Nov-12 00:06:48

What is different about your dc and his?

monsterchild Fri 02-Nov-12 00:07:52

cross post there, OP. If you were happier before then its time for him to go. What are you getting out of it? Doesn't sound like much.

besticando Fri 02-Nov-12 00:08:23

I feel moving in with him has all but destroyed my bond with my son.

Sorry for typos, on phone in bed

ZZZenAgain Fri 02-Nov-12 00:11:04

it is normal enough to get irritated by people when you are around them a lot and the fuzzy love period has passed. I would find it hard to live with a man who treated my dc in a way that I didn't like though.

You don't really say how he expects you to conform to his expectations or how he treats your dc , so I cannot judge whether you're being fair to him or if he is at fault.

If you were happier before, do you mean 6 years ago before you met him or 3 years ago before you started living together?

besticando Fri 02-Nov-12 00:12:46

I am getting out of it being with a very nice man, living in a much nicer house/area I did as a single,parent, I just don't love him or feel excited by him.

He has very strong ideas of household rules/etiquette which he expects all the kids to confirm to, but he lets his kids get away with far more than mine, I am afraid he is driving my son away

ZZZenAgain Fri 02-Nov-12 00:13:41

have you tried talking to him about that (that he is tougher on your son and you feel your son is drawing away as a result)?

besticando Fri 02-Nov-12 00:15:32

I was happier dating and not living together than I am now living with him, his kids and my son. His kids are here 3/4 days a week. I like them and get on with them very well, I just feel my relationship with my son has suffered as a result of living with him, my son is teens.

besticando Fri 02-Nov-12 00:17:41

Basically his kids has been used to his rules/ idiosyncrasies, so,they ignore him whereas my son takes it to heart and withdraws

besticando Fri 02-Nov-12 00:26:12

I'm not sure I even fancy him any more, but after six years is this normal? I like him, and he's a decent bloke, even at the beginning there was not a lot of passion, more of a "we're of a certain age, we should be grateful for what we can get!"

ZZZenAgain Fri 02-Nov-12 00:30:25

there are two problems really
1) you don't love him and there is no excitement for you in the relationship (was that different when you lived apart?)

2) that you feel your ds is unhappy and your relationship to ds is suffering as a result

For the first one, I think you have to be realistic. Did you love him before you moved in together or did you want a decent man and a secure life? It is not a crime if that is what you wanted but you cannot then expect a lot of excitement IYSWIM. If your relationship was different before you moved in, you could still try and work on it, revive what you had. It may all still be there underneath.

About your son, it is hard to say, maybe it is his teenage development at work here as much as him not getting on with your partner. Do you think that the rules and etiquette your partner insists on are basically good? If so, it is worth working with him to help defuse the situation between him and ds. Would he listen to you and your concerns and try and change his treatment of your ds?

If not, if you don't think he gets it right with his rules and regulations, maybe it would make sense to move out again. It may not be easy to go back to the living situation you had before but if it gives you peace of mind and ds is happier, maybe that is what you have to do.

tallwivglasses Fri 02-Nov-12 00:30:56

How would you feel if he went off with someone else?

besticando Fri 02-Nov-12 00:42:54

If I am being absolutely honest? Not that upset apart from the inconvenience of moving.

But I keep hearing from all my mates on POF and match etc that I should be grateful to have a decent bloke and I won't get better at my age etc, and actually I probably won't, isit better to be on your own and lonely than a compromise of someone that's "okay" but not really making you feel he's the one? - is there any such thing as "the one"?

AgnesBligg Fri 02-Nov-12 00:44:51

Nice post there Zzzen. I would go along with that op.

Dryjuice25 Fri 02-Nov-12 00:56:28

You are just delaying the inevitable. Your love for this man has come to pass and you need to move on than live like that. Good luck

monsterchild Fri 02-Nov-12 00:57:42

Um, being alone isn't the same as being lonely.

And stepfather/step son is always a difficult relationship. There may be a bit going both ways there.

It may be worth it to talk to your DP and to you DS about possible compromise. If they can't you should consider moving on.

tallwivglasses Fri 02-Nov-12 11:23:03

Being alone is better than settling for 2nd best.

dequoisagitil Fri 02-Nov-12 11:30:47

You don't have to be grateful for having a man. Being free has a lot to recommend it, more than settling for okishness. If you were happier before, that's your answer.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Fri 02-Nov-12 12:15:04

Bloody hell, being single is always better. Don't listen to your friends, they are mundanes, and stupid with it - women do not need to have a male partner to be Proper People. If this knob is bullying your son and boring you, start looking for somewhere else to live.

Achangeforthebetter Sat 03-Nov-12 17:52:33

Every post that I seem to be reading at the moment is giving the advice split with your partners and things will be better. Whatever happend to working out differences ffs it is possible to have up's and downs without the need to split up

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Tue 06-Nov-12 20:12:06

Actually, Achange, what used to happen was that women stayed with horrible men because economically and culturally they were pretty much compelled to. Now they can dump men who don't measure up, and that's a good thing.

ImperialBlether Tue 06-Nov-12 20:53:14

I wouldn't live with anyone that my child wasn't happy with.

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