Another birthday memory ruined

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

ds's birthday
Dh just ruined it( fortunately not for DS)
Moaned, whinged, didnt want him to open his presents, wouldn't let him play with his toys, got all stressy in the restaurant
Last year, he didn't make the restaurant, left us sitting there
The year before he went to visit his mum because she had a specialist appt, so DS didn't see him
The year before was the biggest heartache our family has ever seen, he threatened a member of my family

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

For background, he's stressed, depressed, angry irritable
Has ad's from GP, had counselling, nothing is working

[BookieMonster]

What's so wonderful about him that balances out 4 years of ruining your son's birthday?

[lucyellenmum]

How old is your DS?

[Helltotheno]

Sounds like someone you should've ditched a long time ago.

[maras2]

And yet he's still your DH?

[CogitoErgoSparklers]

"he's stressed, depressed, angry irritable"

And what about you and your DS?.... You're stressed, depressed, annoyed, miserable, frustrated, frightened (?), upset, let down. No matter what conditions he's suffering from, you and the rest of your family are not obliged to suffer the fall-out in silence. Life is too short. Would suggest separating & letting him get better in his own time and away from other people.

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

DS was 5 yesterday
i feel so sad
ds had hold of both of our hands and dh wouldn't do that lifting him up in the air thing, because there were a lot of people around. yes it was busy, but we had a whole road free at one point, It was his birthday fgs

I just feel so worn down
pathetic and useless
I'm exhausted by it all

[raskolnikov]

Why not ensure you and your DS have a wonderful Xmas together, without having this attention-seeking twat in the picture?

[3littlefrogs]

How long do you think you can put up with this?

I think you are enabling your husband's behaviour.

What are you going to do about it?

[pictish]

Sounds like a miserable bastard.

[joblot]

Sounds like he doesn't want to be with you from what you've written here. Have you talked or been to counseling? Might be worth considering

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He is the root cause of your unhappiness; he is the one who is making you feel pathetic and useless.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships; the model he is seeing is not fit for purpose is it?. Both of you are imparting damaging lessons to your son.

[AgathaFusty]

You and your son deserve better than this, but only you can make the change. Your H has already shown you that he isn't willing to change.

Why didn't he want your ds to open his presents and play with his toys?

[3littlefrogs]

Don't underestimate the damage this is doing to your DS.

My father was like this. I couldn't even begin to describe the effects on my life. I still resent the fact that my mother put up with him and didn't get us away from him. I am now in my fifties and still have issues to deal with every single day.

You owe it to your ds to be proactive.

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

we have had counselling
he has had counselling
we have talked and talked
I'm not enabling him, honest, I call him all the time
I discuss things calmly, how to get the best out of ds.
I had a thread recently about letting him sit on a log in the park to eat his sandwich, he wanted him to sit on the bench
joblot- he begs me not to leave him. tells me he loves me all the time

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

dh was working all day
ds and I opened some presents in the morning, but I left some for him to open with DH
As I knew he would fall asleep on the way home, I took them to the restaurant. DH would rather have not opened them. I made him give them to DS
It was a couple of new little Madasgcar toys on the table that DH objected to. DS just wanted to show his daddy

[Funnylittleturkishdelight]

Time apart might be the one thing you need to get your own happiness back and let him work out his issues.

[Badvoc]

Your poor ds.
You have a choice.
He doesn't.
Why on earth are you still there?

[AgathaFusty]

So you have tried counselling, communication, calling him on his behaviour.

You probably just need to accept that your relationship isn't a good one. For your son's sake, you need to take some positive action now - before this selfish man causes further damage in his life.

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

other thread here

[CogitoErgoSparklers]

" he begs me not to leave him. tells me he loves me all the time"

Talk is cheap. You know when you're loved because you feel loved.... not because you're hearing empty words. I think five years is long enough to work out if you think anything's likely to change

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

I don't know why I am still here
Every time, he persuades me to stay
one of the issues right now is money
he doesn't have the money to move out

[DontmindifIdo]

So you've tried to change him and it hasn't worked. So this is as good as it gets. Is this how you you want to live?

[AgathaFusty]

Him not having the money to move out is not your problem. Your son's childhood and happiness is your problem. Don't be fobbed off by his excuses and cheap talk.

Go and book a free half hour with a solicitor to find out when you stand re finances etc. Book it today, don't put it off.

[Funnylittleturkishdelight]

Money can be sorted- he is responsible for himself. Insist on a two month break- you need it for your own sanity.