partner gets all the fun, im sat in like a plum

[honeysmummy1]

Sinse becoming a mum two years ago I have never felt so lonely!
I am 22, my friends are just interested in going out and I can't as my priorities have changed, I don't want to spend money on boozy nights out, I always want to come back early and I dont want hangovers the next day when I have a child to care for. Occationally I do have the odd night out and never really enjoy it like I did when I was care free and single.
I ask my friends round for drinks at my place, chinese food, a film etc but they always make excuses up or cancel last minute...They are just not interested unless its about going out on the town, getting stupidly drunk. It wouldn't be so bad if taxis didn't cost an absolute fortune round here, I would rather keep the money in the bank!
The worse part about it is my partner has a group of loyal friends he sees all the time. Hes currently at his local thursday night pub quiz and im sat here like a plum bored as usual. Hes having a boys night in on saturday at one of the guys house, a pre-bonfire night in...And where will i be? Stuck in on my own watching x factor, when all I want to do is ring up my friends and for them to come round for a giggle :(
My boyfriend sees his friends about three to four times a week and I hate that I have to be left stuck in. Its not his fault my friends are being awkward and that he has real friends but it doesn't make me feel any better.
I go to mother and toddler group and have met some lovely people, a bit older than me but it doesn't bother me, I will need to arrange a girly night in with them one night...My partner says he is made to feel guilty for seeing his friends as he always texts me to ask if im having fun while hes out with them and i always reply no! well what does he expect!?

[OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly]

Can you get a babysitter and go with him? Do some of his friends partners go to the quiz night too?

[flossy101]

3/4 times a week is quite a lot?! I wouldn't be happy with my DH going out that many times a week tbh.

I'd maybe ask him to reduce that down to once or twice a week really. Do you think he would reduce this a bit?

What are the mums at your toddler group like? Could you make an effort to see them more often and get DH to babysit?

[honeysmummy1]

I also think he sees them a bit much but I keep my mouth shut as hes only 22 and makes a point of spending quALITY time together at the weekend, but i just get all snappy and grumpy before he pops out to see them. its like he cant live without them! His friends are all single, apart from one and he has suggested double date nights to make me feel better...will see how long it takes him to organise that one. hes only just starting to involve me with his friends, has only taken him a year and a half almost.
i just cant believe he texts me to ask if im having fun, its like oh yeah having a party of my own here watched all the soaps and had a bath....rock and roll.
im a bit jealous he has loyal friends that do stuff with him at the drop of a hat and mine cancel on me after a months notice!

[Runningblue]

If he babysat, then you'd have more flexibility - your answer is in your post. He has a regular Thursday quiz night, couldn't you suggest a regular Tuesday girls drinks? you don't have to drink/ get drunk but just have a good time with your mates.
As for the weekend, cant you agree an alternate friday or saturday out with your boyfriend? Ie so you get one weekend evening in together, but you take it in turns to go out on an alternate Friday or Saturday?

[N0tJustAMummy2]

Hi, I am the first of my friends to have children, had my DD at 23years old, she now 3. Some of my friends just literally disappeared after I had her but the ones that stuck around r my true friends. I have had to explain to my BF once or twice that I'm not the same person anymore, I still love a drink and going out for a dance but like u say looking after a child in the morning is a very good reason not to have a hangover! Talk to your friends explain how you feel, if they r real friends they will make time for you, and you all just have to compromise a little bit. Also, try and make new friends that have children then you can talk kids with them and not bore your childless friends senseless!! :)

I think your DP could cut down on seeing his friends but only if it really bothers you, I think he is probably texting you to show that he is thinking about you and maybe to give you something to do as he knows you are on your own. Maybe you 2 should have a date night each month, me and my DH try to go out alone once a month and ban talking about babies and work!!

Hope you find a solution that works for both of you, and I hope your friends come through for you, afterall they will need you when they start having kids as you will be the font of all knowledge!!

[honeysmummy1]

friday night is usually our date night where we get a takeaway, few drinks and dvd or go out if my mum will babysit.
last friday he had his works night out (celebrating the end of the 12 hour shifts) and last saturday was his friends birthday drinks, which he did ask me to but i couldnt get a babysitter.
so this thurs hes out at the pub and saturday is the pre bonfire night boys night in its like grrr can you not just take a weekend off its not like he never sees them!
he will spend all day sunday with me but i still hate being left in on the saturday. he comes home all merry and says how much he loves me etc and asks why im grumpy...im sure he would be too if it were him stuck in constantly.
the girls from the toddler group i have met are only free on certain days as their partners do nightshifts etc, its a hassle organising it but we are arranging a girly night in this month so hopefully things will change shortly.
i appriciate my partner loves his friends and they are good to him and he doesnt want to let them down but he cant feel that bad about leaving me in when he doesnt even offer to stay in with me!

[deleted203]

I'm assuming that your friends are childless, OP? I think at 22 they are still young and focused on going out drinking and partying. I expect that before you became a mother you might not have thought film night and a takeaway at someone's house was a very exciting evening if the alternative was a boozy night out chatting up lads.

I'm not unsympathetic, because I can see that your priorities have changed and that it's lonely for you. But I think your life is going in a different direction from your old friends and that perhaps you haven't got that much in common any longer. Meeting up with people from mother and toddler group might be a better option.

Running made some really good suggestions. I do think your DP should be a little more reasonable - see his friends twice a week, perhaps, but it would be good for you to develop a separate social life as well, rather than being stuck in alone at home. Hope things improve for you.

[honeysmummy1]

sowornout i agree. i hardly have anything in common with them anymore which is really sad and i understand they want to have fun and be young free and single, If i were in their shoes i probably would want to go out rather than sit in the house. At least with my mummy friends we all have the same priorities and things in common with one another.
I do need to establish my own social life. it makes my partner feel guilty for leaving me in when he has his own social life. I am a little embarrassed that I never seem to have something planned when his schedule is over flowing

[WhereYouLeftIt]

You've got two separate problems going on here.

1. Your 'friends' are being a bit shit. "I ask my friends round for drinks at my place, chinese food, a film etc but they always make excuses up or cancel last minute...They are just not interested unless its about going out on the town, getting stupidly drunk." So really, not friends, just a hunting party IYSWIM. You have outgrown them.
   

1. Your partner is being inconsiderate. OK, he's 22 and wants to see his friends. But really, three to four times a week? That is the lifestyle of a single man with no responsibilities. But he is a partner and a father - a man with responsibilities. Who you would expect is a partner because he wants to spend time with his partner. Instead, you are scheduled for Friday Date Night and Sunday Family Day, while the rest of his life is apparently unchanged.
   

I'd be well pissed off with the lot of them.

[Helltotheno]

Life does change when you have kids... were you expecting that? Did you make a conscious decision to start a family?

As someone said above, it's down to mums and tots for you. Your friends are just behaving like 22 year olds usually do and tbh I'm not going to totally slate them for that. Maybe at some stage in their lives, they'll come back wanting your friendship/advice and then you can take it or leave it...

Your bf is not ready for a child. No point in going on about responsibilities, he clearly doesn't want them. He should just have been honest about it. I think you need to accept that your paths are going to be different from here in.. you can't have a mad social life with a kid so my advice would be to go it alone tbh. You'll find other friends with different priorities.

[flossy101]

I agree, he may only be 22 but he isn't a single 22 year old. He is a father with a partner and responsibilities and I do think 3/4 times a week is excessive. He should tone down his going out and you should look at getting a new circle of friends. Are there any other groups you could be going to with your LO?

[honeysmummy1]

I should have said hes not the father of my two year old shes from a previous relationship but I have been with him a year and a half. he is great with my daughter and treats her like his own. they love the bones of eachother
although i dont think he feels like he needs to take responsibility and stay in and be doting step dad although im sure he would babysit if i asked him to.
he is great in every other way, just likes his pals which to be honest can be a bit of a pain

[deleted203]

How about looking into evening classes honey? Have you ever fancied pottery, or Zumba or anything else? If your DP would babysit you could get out the house a couple of times a week and you might meet other young mums at something like this?

[honeysmummy1]

evening classes sound good, def something to look into

[VintageRainBoots]

Sounds like your partner needs to watch his kid a few nights so you can go out, too. It's only fair.

[BessieMcBean]

You need a hobby or an interest - zumba/ cookery course / running club. For some reason men can come up with a string of interests and women don't. Not sure why but you have to find something you WANT to do in the evening then get DH to babysit so you get out.

That way you will meet other people who don't just want to go out man-hunting and have something to think about and chat to DP about when you go out as a couple.

[BessieMcBean]

Xpost with sowornout

[AnyFucker]

If your partner properly took on both of you as a package he should step up properly

You are excusing him, almost like you don't feel you can state your boundaries

well, you can

he doesn't "love the bones" of either of you if he leaves you sat at home on your own so much

[Runningblue]

Agree with bessie and sworn - I loved going to evening classes. So many different options,and you meet new people.
Plus see your dd as a passport to new opportunities in meeting new people.. My best pals locally are a group I met when we did a baby massage course, we now meet up in the evenings, with our partners for nights out, as well as playdates.
From small seeds...

[flossy101]

In addition to you starting an evening class Can you not say to him that you'd rather he didn't go out so much? Do you think he wouldn't want to be with you if he couldn't go out so much as well?

[honeysmummy1]

i think i should have a chat with him about it. he obviously feels guilty for leaving me on my own when hes constantly texting me, he has some sort of complex about letting his buddies down or something. i dont mind him going to his pub quiz on a thurs, but would rather he spent the saturday with me instead of leaving me stuck in.
im going to ask him to include me more in what his friends are doing, and if he can watch little one some night to let me do something like an eve class or group.
if he doesnt want me to be so grumpy he has to stop going out as much and leaving me in on my own while hes having a great time.
we are going to a family bonfire night on monday so at least thats something. just fed up of having to ask what hes doing for the weekend for him to be like oh im doing this with the guys and then that with the guys...blah

[lucyellenmum]

Do you have a "Homestart" near you? I know that the one in my area organised a M&T group for younger mums? That way you will be meeting folk in a similar situation to yourself.

Do you live with him?

[oasisofcalm]

Hi Op,
I was in a very similar situation to you except I'm a fair bit older (big 3.0 this year!!) I have a 3 year old daughter and have been with my partner for almost 2 years, we live together, and have done for quite some time. He now pulls his weight fantastically with DD, and I probably go out more than he does sometimes. However, when he first moved in with us, he behaved precisely as he always had, I dont think he realised that he was being unreasonable at all tbh. He had, in his defence been single mostly for years prior to this, and this was how he had always behaved. He was probably going out 3-5 nights a week, ranging from a quick pint on the way home to a full night out, as this was what he had got into the habit of doing. He has never referred to himself as babysitting to be fair, except very very early on. My point is, he had to come to this point in his own time, and all the shouting in the world on my part did no good whatsoever. How long have you been together? Living together long?? Do you both consider the relationship to have long term potential?? If you are feeling resentful, you MUST speak up about it!!! Good luck, and well done if you got through all my essay!!!

[AnyFucker]

precisely blah

you may have a young child but you are obviously not prepared to wait at home for him like some 1950's housewife

you have a life too, and he should be doing his bit to enable it

or he ships out, if he prefers the single life

[flossy101]

Yes maybe he might be getting stick off his mates if he turns down a night out, be accused of being 'under the thumb'.

I think it's a good plan to have a chat with him about how you feel. He might not even realise its bothering you so much. Just make it clear you are in no way trying to stop him seeing his friends, but come to a compromise like he stays in every other weekend etc?