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I need to walk away from this dont I?

(94 Posts)
smokinaces Thu 01-Nov-12 19:03:47

On paper in the Spring the guy was great. Spent loads of time with me, loads of little romantic gestures, loads of messages. Wonderful time together, all loved up. He had a good job, his own home, a little boy he saw a lot and paid over and above what he should.

All was great.

Then he came back off holiday and it all went a bit pearshaped. Work went a bit wrong. He obsessed over his son/ex and new boyfriend. He dumped me at short notice for fishing and then football. He ignored huge things in my life and though says he didnt I am still convinced he ignored my calls and texts.

I ended it. He got better. We tried again.

Things got marginally better. Its slowed down a lot but I was ok with it.

I saw him briefly Sunday. Was meant to be dinner, ended up being coffee for a couple of hours. Hadnt seen him for 2 weeks. Got a cursory kiss on the cheek at beginning and end.

No chance of seeing him until next weekend (kids etc). So far hasnt replied to my text asking what we are doing then.

Tbh the sex was great. But last few times it has been all about him and no effort to make it great for me. When hes done hes done. Which is completely not how it was in the beginning.

He sent a few texts Monday night when back from work late. Havent heard anything since. I have text a few times. Nothing - now I know my texts sometimes dont go through (have this issue with other friends too) but he must have got one. He has been on FB briefly Tuesday and last night too - it comes up on my news feed. But not once has he text or attempted to ring me.

I deserve more than this dont I? Give me the guts to end this. I was on my own for 3 years and on paper and in the beginning this guy was everything I could have wanted. But now I find myself browsing POF again and being desperate to have plans and dates on my weekend without the kids (when he has his son this weekend - we havent met each others kids)

He says he's too tired etc, but tbh I cant put up with any more of this. When its good its great, but I cant be on hold for weeks can I? I know his son comes first will never dispute that, but I cant come behind the ex wife and the football too, especially with a new job keeping him busy.

And he said him and his wife broke up because she had an emotional affair. Because he was paying too much attention to other things and not her. I can completely understand why she did it. Hes so obsessive - at the beginning of the summer it was about me, which was fab. But now its not and I feel shitty.

Tell me I wont be an old lady with kids and a cat. And that ending what was a good sex, loads of money etc relationship is the right thing?

CogitoErgoSparklers Thu 01-Nov-12 19:11:19

You won't be an old lady with kids and a cat smile Let him go and be 'too tired' somewhere else...

Apocalypto Thu 01-Nov-12 19:24:17

his son comes first will never dispute that, but I cant come behind the ex wife and the football too, especially with a new job keeping him busy.

I make it that you're the number 5 most important thing in his life.

This would tend to explain everything else.

ending what was a good sex, loads of money etc relationship is the right thing?

Not sure I understand the money point. But didn't you say the good sex had already ended?

You've been very accommodating and someone else will appreciate you more. TBH, if it were me, I would consider him dumped, blank him, and see how long it takes him to even notice.

smokinaces Thu 01-Nov-12 19:30:06

Apocalypto - number 6 if you include fishing too.

money, shallow but being a single parent on a low income the doing things spur of the moment was nice. His salary is six figures. Mine is not even 4. Sometimes it was nice to be spoilt. But granted not enough lately.

and yes, the sex has dwindled and not been great.

I think I will do as you say. I doubt he would notice tbh. Or see anythings wrong.

Its just so bleurgh to not be able to think of another word. To finally enjoy a relationship after so long. and it to go so limp when it held so much promise.

ach well. back to it. Thank god with work/study/moving/kids I dont have much time to brood.

and thank god for love honey etc.

susiedaisy Thu 01-Nov-12 19:30:24

It's almost like you were his new toy in the spring and now the novelty has worn off he's onto something else, be it sports work or whatever, remain dignified op and move on, you deserve to be important to someone and not just a weekend shag.

starfishmummy Thu 01-Nov-12 19:41:18

My first thoughts? He's seeing someone else.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 01-Nov-12 19:41:23

Honestly, I'd rather be an old lady with cats than come 6th in line behind fishing. At least a cat will love you or get a dog, who really will.

smokinaces Thu 01-Nov-12 19:47:39

starfish, I know that he isnt. I would put my life savings (of 58p) on it. I know between the son, ex wife, job, football and everything he does not have time. I know that for sure. He just doesnt seem to have the inclination to keep any form of relationship going tbh. He doesnt care about my day, about my life. Hes just blaming lack of time tbh. Which I feel a bit of a bitch about, as I know he is working long hours and has other commitments. But I want to jump up and down and shout "how hard is it to send a fucking text or ring for ten bloody minutes"

Terry, my friend summed it up this weekend when she asked what I wanted in 2 years. And tbh, I dont want to ever come behind fishing.

My cat is too fickle to love me. At least my kids do wink

smokinaces Thu 01-Nov-12 19:48:59

Susie, it does feel like that. Like he needs something new and shiny to obsess over every few months. And Im not worth bothering with.

Well its ten to eight. and nothing. I've text once this morning at 8am asking if hed got my last messages and had nothing.

I do fucking deserve more than this. I do. I am a fucking good person. Darn it.

<seeks out wine>

Apocalypto Thu 01-Nov-12 19:53:51

He sounds like a complete arse. Fishing??? Sitting on the bank of a river doing fuck all for hours on end??? He'd rather do that than shag his gorgeous woman?

If it's that shit now it'll only get worse - consider yourself lucky he's displayed his inner arse now and not wasted 10 years of your life first.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 01-Nov-12 19:58:14

Your friend is wise because they agree with me. I realised after my divorce that I never wanted to feel like I was 15 again, worrying about getting a call, stressing about whether he got my texts. I'm a grown-up and grown-ups don't worry about that shit. DH wasn't like that, keen from the start and still replies to my messages unless there is a very good reason.

Find a sex-god with a phone that works.

smokinaces Thu 01-Nov-12 20:20:56

""I never wanted to feel like I was 15 again, worrying about getting a call, stressing about whether he got my texts. I'm a grown-up and grown-ups don't worry about that shit""

Spot on. Thats it. Nail on the head.

and Apocalypto, my thoughts exactly. You may have shit in your life - but surely spending the night shagging in a warm bed is better than being alone on a bank with a rod.

and dont get me started on the "wank bank" photos he likes on FB.

Ok. Seeing it all in print. Thats the end. I am worth so so much more.

susiedaisy Thu 01-Nov-12 21:00:09

Those wank bank pages on FB are revolting!

smokinaces Thu 01-Nov-12 21:14:02

Ha ha. I have a text. At 9.11pm he has text replying to my one this morning (the one asking if he got yesterdays texts) saying "yes I did, been flat out, you ok"

so no reply to my actual questions yesterday. and nothing more than that. No attempt to ring.

I'm actually really pissed off.

But I cant just ignore someone. Its not in my nature.

And yes he's been flat out. But he managed to watch the football Tuesday night and write FB statuses about it. and Write on his friends FB yesterday. Yet didnt bother to text me. And I hate being "needy" but seriously, is it that fucking hard to ring your supposed girlfriend???

Argh. Men.

Ok do I ignore or reply saying end of?

susiedaisy Thu 01-Nov-12 21:18:44

You're not being needy though expecting him to reply to a couple of texts, that's just common courtesy something we afford most people that we are know,

OneMoreGo Thu 01-Nov-12 21:21:14

this isn't 'men' this is him being an arse. Plenty of men are lovely. The question is why are you allowing yourself to put up with this shit? just dump and move on. He's just not that into you, and you deserve about a thousand times better treatment.

JustFabulous Thu 01-Nov-12 21:21:33

Call him and say it isn't working for you anymore.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Thu 01-Nov-12 21:21:54

Honestly, bin and move on. Some people are like this: great in the short term but either they get bored easily or they become boring.
There is no point at all in scurrying around trying to please him, constantly texting with bleats for attention, or buying new underwear or expending any effort at all trying to 'make' him love you. He doesn't love you. ALl you will do is destroy your own dignity if you keep pursuing him.

Send him one more text: 'Dear Fishface, I've been thinking it through and this relationship's run its course. GOodbye and good luck.'
Unless either of you has left stuff in each other's house, in which case you'd need to add 'I want my [whatevers] back and will return yours, let's meet for a coffee and swap it all over'.

lowercase Thu 01-Nov-12 21:22:09

Tbh, it sounds like he is trying to phase you out.
I wouldn't reply yet.
Sleep on it.
100 years should do it.

smokinaces Thu 01-Nov-12 21:22:37

I know. I know. I'm not normally this insecure and bloody wet. Honest. I am a bloody independent person who has lived alone and worked bloody hard for years - yet this guy seems to have got me questioning everything I do.

I've ignored it. I'm going to turn off my PC and go to bed with a cuppa and my book. And enjoy tomorrow with my babies. He has his son this weekend so I know he wont even bother to try and get in touch.

I've removed my Whatsapp messenger too, so he cant see when I'm online either. He can see on FB, but hey thats his problem.

smokinaces Thu 01-Nov-12 21:26:04

I am sleeping on it. and going to keep sleeping on it. I'm not replying. I have not deserved to have been ignored for 3 days. I am worth more than that. If thats all I get as a message after three days then its not enough.

Ive had this conversation with him before. I broke it off with him a few weeks back. He asked me back and to try again. He's had plenty of chances to "phase me out" but hasnt. I think he just wants someone to suit him and his needs and nothing more. He is obviously selfish - and going from why his marriage ended that isnt anything new.

and apologies for saying "men". I know there are decent ones out there. Just sadly none in my vicinity!

stickthekettleon Thu 01-Nov-12 21:26:55

Hi there

So sorry he's been such a dick but agree with post upthread that at least you know how the land lies fairly early in.

You say you can't ignore because it's not in your nature but then ask if you should ignore or reply ending it?

If it was me I'd want to go out with my head held high and therefore rather than give him what he appears to want, which is to let him off the hook and disappear off into the sunset (sorry), assuming he will not just never contact you again- at all- I would ignore him until he makes contact then say "sorry, been really busy at work/studying/scratching my arse" or something similarly vague and give him a taste of his own medicine.

You sound lovely. He sounds like a teenager.


smokinaces Thu 01-Nov-12 21:27:09

Nothing at his house. Just babywipes/shampoo/toothbrush. All easily replaceable. And he never stayed here.

smokinaces Thu 01-Nov-12 21:28:35

""I would ignore him until he makes contact then say "sorry, been really busy at work/studying/scratching my arse" or something similarly vague and give him a taste of his own medicine.""

Stick, that made me smile. and you know what? Thats exactly what I am going to do. Whilst obviously posting on FB. grin

stickthekettleon Thu 01-Nov-12 21:31:18

Atta girl x

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