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I just can't take that final step - help needed to clearly see situation with DP.

(6 Posts)
namechangeditherer Thu 01-Nov-12 14:19:57

Sorry long post alert! It's really just as the title suggests - I think I want to leave my P, don't think I love him anymore most of the time (although other times I think I do still love him), feel increasingly irritated by almost everything he does.

I cannot work out if it is a symptom of my own issues though, as in a lot of ways things between us are significantly better than they were when our DS was born 3 years ago (I have an older DD from a prev relationship and we live as a family hmm). I've been having counselling for unrelated (to our relationship) issues from my past and it has brought out a lot of clarity in other ways but seems to be bringing out confusion as to whether I should leave P. It has brought up a lot of anger in me which sometimes I feel I may be transferring onto P without good reason, just because he is "there" and he is male.

Our main issues are -

He works long hours in his job which incidentally he hates and pays a lot less than he could get with his qualifications, but refuses to get another one because he has a lot of autonomy in his job and wouldn't like - in his words - "some spotty faced teenager telling me what to do" (ie a boss, like normal people have). This means that we are stuck with the kids hardly seeing him, me needing to do 95% of childcare and housework despite working 26 hours a week myself, and also me having to pay 50% of all household bills even though I work less hours because his wage is so bad. All of this because he refuses to even look for a job which doesn't involve working 80-odd hours a week for the same as a 40-hour minimum wage job which would enable us to have some kind of family life. (he is self employed contractor). It suits him although he says he hates it and is generally miserable sod at times and blames it on work.

His mother is an alcoholic and they are so co-dependent it's unreal. She treats him like shit one minute and idolises him the next. He doesn't treat her very nicely, he treats her like a doormat has no respect for her (not surprised tbh) but will go into a rage if anyone dares challenge her / challenge him about her. This has caused problems. My father was an alcoholic and also my uncle so I realise I may be biased in saying this and over-reacting because I'm scared due to my own history, but I do worry about P's relationship with alcohol too. He doesn't drink every night, he can go for days without seemingly with no ill effects on him, but he does have drink around 4-5 nights a week, sometimes only a couple other times more. He goes to the pub for about 2 hours sometimes more about 3 nights a week after work and there is always a "reason" to go - he needs to speak to so-and-so about plumbing (could call them), it's football (tv in house) , it's tennis (ditto) etc. I wouldn't mind so much if we had any time together but we don't we literally have about an hour a day if that together and close to zero time all 4 of us, and it makes me resentful that he could work those couple of hours, get the jobs finished and get some time with us. He knows this so that's why he sounds contrite on the phone if in the pub and makes up the reasons why he is going in. And social events are usually a marathon of "lets drink as much as I can as fast as possible and embarrass namechange" (although many people in our social circle are the same). It just seems he places a bit too much importance on alcohol. I'm not sure about this one. When I bring it up he says he is doing nothing wrong, drinks a lot less than he did when we met (true, he was a single "lad" when we met and drinks a bit less now) and he won't have his character brought into question by me hmm. He does underestimate the amount of times he goes to the pub though, last night he said that was the first time he's been in there in weeks - it's 5 times in the past 2 weeks actually!

He is full of contradictions ie he will be sure of a belief / opinion one week and the next have totally changed his mind completely and done a 360 turn now believing the opposite strongly. One week he is going to save up for a far for us to live on the next week he is opening a butcher shop. It sounds daft, but it makes me not trust him in a way because he doesn't seem to know himself what he thinks, so I can't trust what he says. Everyone changes their minds, but he does it almost constantly and contradicts himself. So things he says I just sort of roll my eyes inside and go "yeah right wait til next week". And usually everything is anyone else's fault but his own in his mind also.

I'm just seeing him as pathetic / dogmatic (he is) more and more now and cannot find love or respect for him I used to have, even though sometimes I still see it.

He can be unpleasant to be around if we argue he can be vicious / O.T.T verbally, but fine of we don't argue.

He does have his redeeming points but I don't see much of them - he 99% of time is reliable, does pay his half of bills, will do housework if he is in (trouble is he is never in to do it - when he's had a rare holiday off work he will do housework), he is personable as a friend but I don't think he is good as a partner I have since realised (has taken me a while). I don't think I love him anymore but I'm reluctant to leave due to what his reaction would be (angry and spiteful but not violent, but it would be ALL HER FAULT, SHE LEFT ME FOR NO REASON in his mind) and also the DC would be devastated, especially the eldest as he is the only dad she has known (he real dad disappeared when found out I was pregnant years ago).

So it makes me, as my mother says - "dither" , but I am not happy, feel like I am always waiting for him to be in the pub instead of waiting for me to spend time together if I'm on a late shift, waiting for yet more invitations from my friends he won't attend because he is "working", I find myself being angry with him just being in the same presence, like I am just prolonging the inevitable.

Many thinks for reading if you have even got down to this point, and nay advice would be welcomed.

namechangeditherer Thu 01-Nov-12 14:22:35

*any advice, sorry!

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 01-Nov-12 14:59:37

Hi op

I wonder if the counselling you have alread had for unrelated issues, as you say projecting on him, is actually you instincts telling you what you will no longer put up with any more whether he is male or not.

Counselling makes us take a long hard look at our issues and also what part we play in them. The entire list above sounds exhausting to be honest, it sounds like you are beginning to realise that your tolerance for shit behaviour is being lowerd every day. Life is too short to wonder about ifs and buts, you either live it happy or live on the outside trying to keep everyone happy other than yourself.

I know once you have kids the dynamics change and some decisions have to have them in mind, but please remember that does not mean your happiness has to be over looked because of them. It looks like the counsellor has allowed you to see things in what we call a third position, that is you looking from the outside in on the situation as it is. It allows you too see things much more clearly, its like taking a step back and freeze framing moments in time, so you can have a 360o view on whats going on. If your not happy and realised youve done all you can, and cant be arsed to do anymore because love it takes more than just you to make this work, then walk away happy in the knowledge you tried. It's very true what they say you know, lifes to short to be this unsure and unhappy. xx

CogitoErgoSparklers Thu 01-Nov-12 15:01:14

So... synopsis. He's dissatisfied with the job with inadequate pay but is content to moan about it and expect you to make up the shortfall rather than do something about it. He'd rather make excuses to go to the pub than spend time with you as a couple/family and, if he has a drink, he drinks to embarrassing excess. He flip-flops opinions and plans but gets verbally aggressive and unpleasant if this is pointed out or challenged. He's only pleasant & personable if he's getting his own way. I would class paying bills and doing housework as a fundamental given for anyone sharing my home... not a major plus therefore. Most people are hurt when relationships break down.

If you don't feel relaxed in your own home with this person, if you feel unhappy more than you feel happy, then there's something badly wrong. If you can't approach this person to tell them how you feel without it turning 'vicious/OTT verbally'... then it won't be resolved amicably. Your DCs will be modelling their own adult relationships on the way they see you and your partner treat each other. They will have heard the arguments, be under no illusion. So, whilst they may miss him if you split, it's more important that you show that you don't have to tolerate poor treatment

Dahlen Thu 01-Nov-12 15:04:57

Personally, if I was living with a man like that, I'd be long gone even if I did love him. Love isn't enough. There are waaay too many issues going on he needs to deal with that have been dumped on you and it's neither fair nor practical to expect you to deal with it long term.

ErikNorseman Thu 01-Nov-12 16:13:20

My stbxh is similar to yours in many ways. Worked all the hours for shit money in order to remain his own boss. I never believe what he says, he is full if shit, plans change on a sixpence, whatever is in his mind at the time is absolutely what he believes he wants to do/happen but days later he says the opposite. Also any excuse to be out of the house, esp in the pub. What can I say, we are getting divorced.

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