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Not to play games - But should I see what happens if I back off?

(23 Posts)
DownOnMelrose Thu 01-Nov-12 11:42:12

So boyfriend and I have been together about 5 months and in that time he's blown hot and cold as to what he wants. One minute he's all loved up and excited about us, talking about us living together and going on holiday together, the next minute he tells me I'm pressuring him/rushing him and he wants to take things slowly. Other times I ask if he wants to slow things down and he says no!

I'm sick of getting the blame for things going too fast when it's him that initiates the "next step" phases all the time. So I've decided to just back right off. Half of me is scared however that if I back off he'll see it as a sign that I'm losing interest and back off too until we're no longer together iyswim?

I know he's insecure and frightened of fucking up because of his kids but at the same time, I'm sick of not knowing where I stand and the only way I can regain some control, is if I pour the ice on it myself.

Am I doing the right thing? is he likely to finish with me if I cool it down too much? I don't want to lose him completely.

Pochemuchka Thu 01-Nov-12 11:44:25

Personally I'd just ditch him.

5 months isn't long and you say he's already been like this the whole way through when he should be trying to impress you!

Find someone who treats you well and you're not afraid to be yourself as express your true feelings with.

dequoisagitil Thu 01-Nov-12 11:49:10

He's the one playing games.

5 months is really early to talk about moving in, etc and the hot & cold thing sets off alarms for me. He's doing the push me-pull you thing so you never know where you are. Keeps you on the hop and constantly thinking about him and how to please him.

Be careful. Don't focus on what he wants and not losing him, focus on what you need from a relationship and whether he is the right person for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 01-Nov-12 11:51:47

Love should not be such hard work honestly.

What do you get out of this, you say that you don't want to lose him completely. Why are you thinking this?

Vinomcstephens Thu 01-Nov-12 12:04:48

I had exactly this with an ex years ago. One minute he was professing undying love and making plans for the next 20 years together, the next he went AWOL, wouldn't answer his phone and reappeared a week or so later to end it. Of course, a few weeks later he'd be back, all singing and dancing and full of love - it made my head hurt and I never knew where I stood with him! So after about 6 months I ended it - like other posters have said, it shouldn't be that flamin' difficult in the early days! And that seemed to give him the kick up the arse he needed - he realised that yes he did want me after all but it was too late.... Once her finally started acting like a boyfriend should I just felt so differently about him - he should have been that way from the start and so I ended it for good. Was hard but I then met DP about 6 months later and we've been very happy together for 7 years so I would say enough of the game playing (him, not you) - you're worth more than that so make yourself available to find someone who'll treat you right!

DawnOfTheDee Thu 01-Nov-12 12:08:00

Agree with other posters. It really shouldn't be this much hard work especially so early on in a relationship. I'd advise you to back right off. You deserve better than this.

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

Pochemuchka Thu 01-Nov-12 12:40:28

I love that saying Dawn!

ErikNorseman Thu 01-Nov-12 16:05:34

You again?

Dump him already.

SorryMyLollipop Thu 01-Nov-12 16:07:46

I was thinking the same thing ErikNorseman, not again, surely

FrighteningPuffin Thu 01-Nov-12 16:19:10

Is this the new boxy?

mumsknots Thu 01-Nov-12 16:38:34

I think it's just becoming a wind-up now or Op has some serious issues herself!

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Thu 01-Nov-12 17:55:12

Seriously OP get a grip.

How many threads have you started about this?

Are people in RL telling you the same thing as us and you're still refusing to listen?

Stop wasting everyone's time with the same old threads. There are genuine people on here trying to help but you never reply unless its something you want to hear.

MNHQ should limit the amount of name changes......

runamile Thu 01-Nov-12 23:52:50

Give us all a break!!!!

stuffitunderthebed Fri 02-Nov-12 02:32:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ErikNorseman Fri 02-Nov-12 06:48:19

I hadn't connected them stuffit but it might be. This poster has posted about her hot and cold boyfriend at least 3 times before and always gets same advice.

SorryMyLollipop Fri 02-Nov-12 09:43:05

I don't think it's the birthday one because she carried on engaging and admitted that she was stuck and couldn't bring herself to do the right thing (instead of constantly name changing and reposting with the same old story, hoping for different responses). Plus she was still living under the same roof as her Ex I think

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Fri 02-Nov-12 10:16:56

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

SorryMyLollipop Fri 02-Nov-12 10:24:32

Ahem...the festival one was me blush

We made up and went in the end. Not responsible for any others, honestly blush

SorryMyLollipop Fri 02-Nov-12 10:27:58

this, this and this

Definitely not me, I've invested time and effort in bloody responding before I realised!

WineGoggles Fri 02-Nov-12 15:59:57

OP you really need to look closely at why your self esteem is so bad that you are desperate not to lose this tosser. Whatever his reasons for behaving like this, you should think more highly of yourself, end it and get a better man. Seriously, don't be like me and look back at your life wondering why the hell you put up with so much shit in relationships; the anger of being taken for an idiot never completely goes even years later. Have you considered counselling?

plumedematante Fri 02-Nov-12 16:01:02

you again?

pictish Fri 02-Nov-12 16:07:15

Why are you so desperate to hang on to someone who routinely makes you feel crap, after only five months in?
Ditch him and be done with it.

You don't need a man. You certainly don't need this man. I have a feeling he will end things when it suits him to anyway.

He's not that into you - stop clutching at straws and stay single until you meet someone that is.

stuffitunderthebed Sat 03-Nov-12 00:17:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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