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unwell partner

(25 Posts)
A1980 Thu 01-Nov-12 10:07:44

My DP of 8 months has been in hospital for 10 days with a severe infection. He has just got out a couple of days ago but went home to parents to be looked after some distance away. There are no plans to meet as he is still very unwell and in pain.

Our relationship is strong and we are very close.

I saw him a few times in the hospital and things were fine between us. We've also been sending text / sms messages daily and he is the same with me: making jokes etc. We couldn't talk on the phone as the signal was bad. He was always delighted to see me when I visited.

Since he got home I haven't heard from him much. One text message a day is about it. He makes his usual jokes and kind comments to me in them though.

I am not used to dealing with an ill partner as I've not had a partner get ill before. My question is: how much should I be contacting him? I totally understand that he is very tired and May not feel much like talking. So I don't want to harass him. At the same time I don't want to look like I don't care. So should I just be sending the odd text telling him I'm thinking of him and maybe over the weekend ask if he is up for talking on the phone.

A1980 Thu 01-Nov-12 10:08:35

Sorry just to add, we don't and haven't lived together .

fluffyraggies Thu 01-Nov-12 10:14:32

He's probably communicating less at the moment because he is now with his parents in a home environment which is more social than a hospital IYSWIM? I'm sure he isn't aware of the fact that he seems to be less communicative. You've just noticed the sudden difference.

I would ask him what you have asked us here tbh. Ask him if he is sleeping allot and is happy with a text once a day or something similar.

It sounds as if he will be delighted to chat with you on the phone at the weekend. What about emailing? Has he access to a computer where he is?

When i'm apart from my DH and cant chat by phone we send loooooong text messages. They don't have to be short and sweet smile

CogitoErgoSparklers Thu 01-Nov-12 10:34:17

I don't think he regards you as a partner.

A1980 Thu 01-Nov-12 10:44:04

There's always one isn't there. Someone who has to be cruel when they don't know anything about the situation.
The hell with this site: this time I've learned my lesson never to use it again.

TheFallenMadonna Thu 01-Nov-12 10:48:42

Send him some letters. When DH and I lived apart (before he was DH), we wrote letters, and it was lovely. I have them still. I found we said much more in a letter than we did on the phone.

CogitoErgoSparklers Thu 01-Nov-12 10:53:14

Cruel?... Just an observation that 'partner' implies someone with whom you can be chucking up your guts & not feeling self-conscious about it. If you're more 'girlfriend' i.e. someone who he feels he has to be 100% with rather than vulnerable in any way, his lack of contact makes more sense, that's all.

botandhothered Thu 01-Nov-12 11:47:55

Can I ask why he went to his parent's? Does he have his own place? Is there a possibility that he thought you would offer to look after him, and therefore feels a litttle let down? Any reason why you have to leave it until the weekend to call him? why not call him now?

A1980 Thu 01-Nov-12 12:01:26

He needs looking after as its a knee joint injury and resulting severe infection which spread to the blood. he can't walk properly. his mum and dad are retired so he has someone there 24/7 which is what he needs. It was decided early on he'd go there to recover. I don't have any annual leave left and would not get paid leave to care for him. It was never raised that I would care for him: he never asked.
You're right we've had a close relationship for many months I'll just call him tonight.

botandhothered Thu 01-Nov-12 12:10:08

I think you will feel better when you have spoken to him properly. You will get a much better idea of how he is feeling. Hope he feels better soon.

Kethryveris Thu 01-Nov-12 12:33:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToothbrushThief Thu 01-Nov-12 12:40:36

I suspect being at his parents he hardly has a minute to himself. He's probably lost for small talk as well. It hurts. It still hurts. My mum is treating me like I'm 5....and so on.

Text him and say what you feel (missing your usual contact, worrying about him, worrying about harassing him) and wish him a quick recovery

I doubt this implies anything about your relationship. I have a DP who I don't live with. We are adults and don't live in each other's pockets. Some days we are busy and have little contact. Some weeks I have to remind myself to text him because my life is busy. It doesn't mean I don't regard him as less of a partner. We're just very independent

ProcrastinatingPanda Thu 01-Nov-12 12:48:42

I think cogito makes a very good point, I'd expect more than one text a day from my partner. Someone I wasn't that interested in or only seen as a boyfriend then one text a day would be fine but in a more serious relationship I would contact the person more than send the odd jokey text.

ToothbrushThief Thu 01-Nov-12 13:09:25

I don't think A1980 was asking for random observations disparaging her relationship though?

She was asking specifically how much contact it would be reasonable for a sick man to receive before it boardered on harassment

WhoNickedMyName Thu 01-Nov-12 13:12:28

After 8 months I'd expect a chat with him every day, a brief phonecall at the end of the day to see how he's doing and to ask how your day was.

ProcrastinatingPanda Thu 01-Nov-12 13:14:45

Well toothbrush that would depend on how serious their relationship is, as I've said if it's not serious then one text a day is fine, something more serious I'd contact more.

Numberlock Thu 01-Nov-12 13:19:35

Our relationship is strong and we are very close

Are you writing that to convince us or yourself?

8 months is quite a significant amount of time and it seems very strange that you have no plans to meet. If you were so close why would you not be going round to see him as a matter of course and why would you be worried that you could be seen as harrassing him?

I presume you've already met his parents?

Runningblue Thu 01-Nov-12 13:21:45

She. You give him a call tonight, all lovely and supportive and upbeat...just check in to ask when is best for for to call. Eg a nightly call at 6pm ish
It sounds like a nasty infection he's had, and he might be sleeping a lot etc. plus, the texts might have lessened as hes stuck in one place with mum and dad, and hasnt got as much to say... Let's face it, he's probably not feeling like the life and soul at the minute!
Could you surprise him with a nice gift or something in the post if you haven't got leave available to see him?
I'm sure its ok all op

Runningblue Thu 01-Nov-12 13:22:40

She? I think I meant to write 'When...'...!

Runningblue Thu 01-Nov-12 13:24:13

Btw the way, as close as you are, this is a new situation for you both. That could be making things feel a bit clunky, not an indication of your relationship not being right...

A1980 Thu 01-Nov-12 13:54:09

That's exactly it runningblue.

we went from several extended phone calls a week, seeing each other at least 2 days a week to all of a sudden not being even able to talk on the phone as he had no mobile signal in hospital. texts struggled to get through sometimes because of it. The situation has put a bit of a hiatus on it as it would as he's so sick. He was fine when he saw me. it wad hard to not talk on the phone for a couple id weeks as we couldn't
now I can't explain it. I just feel funny because of the situation and the distance that couldn't be helped. I will call him. I will make the effort as he is sick and it should be up to me.

OwlBlanket Thu 01-Nov-12 15:32:24

Have you met his parents?

TheFallenMadonna Thu 01-Nov-12 16:02:28

Can't you go and see him at the weekend? The limited talking I get. When DH is away, we just check in really. But I don't get why you have no plans to see him. If I were ill and in pain, my DH is the person I would most want to see, and that was true when we weren't married and lived 400 miles apart.

A1980 Thu 01-Nov-12 16:31:18

I meant no plans made yet....

He only just got home and we haven't discussed visiting yet. I think tbh as he wad so sick and I so stressed about it that I am imagining problems where none exist. I think I'm being paranoid tbh. he hasn't changed towards me we just haven't spoken as much as we couldn't with mobile signal in hospital.

cestlavielife Thu 01-Nov-12 16:36:31

why dont you offer to go up to look after him to give his parents a break? you could stay nearby in a travelodge if they cant offer you room in their house.

i am sure, if he needs constant nursing, they would be glad of a break !

and he would be pleased to see you if you are close

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