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help with suspected abusive mother

(5 Posts)
asgard Wed 31-Oct-12 15:04:10

I’ve never posted on here before but I’m having some problems with my mum. I’ve recently suspected her of being emotionally abusive. These are some of the things that have happened and are still going on.

When I was a child I was expected to supply emotional support she very easily becomes upset and offended and I was expected to give comfort.

There were lots of inappropriate conversations about my father emotionally and sexually.

She’s interfered in contact arrangements with my ex who also is abusive and supports him to the extent of phone calls going around for tea and so on.

I’ve been expected to rush around for silly things even to changing a light bulb and when I refused I was blanked for nearly a week.

She’s created rifts between my siblings saying they’ve fallen out with me and me them, even lied about me.

I can’t talk to her about this it didn’t happen, I’ve misunderstood, she was upset and didn’t know what she was saying.

Something private and personal in my marriage happened and now everyone knows even my ex.

She’s plays the little girl and the victim I always feel guilty and anxious having contact with her.

I know what’s happening, I’m waiting to see someone and have ordered the book toxic parents. I don’t want to give up contact and my siblings live far away. Does anyone have any experience of this I need practical ways of dealing with her?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 31-Oct-12 15:17:37

Toxic Parents is good.
I also highly recommend you read "When you and your mother can't be friends" by Victoria Secunda and "Children of the self-absorbed" by Nina Brown.

Limit contact, if you don't want to cut it off.

Experience has shown me that confrontation is futile, so as you read the books and re-assess your childhood, if you need to express your anger and get some validation, do it here and/or with a therapist. (By all means confront her too if that's what you want to do at any point for your own self; just know that it will have zero impact on her behaviour).

You will probably want to learn the following skills:
- assertiveness (for when you have to set boundaries and say no)
- fogging (making non-committal replies to daftness from the personality disordered)
- emotional detachment (going through grief and anger about her poor parenting to eventually reach a state of acceptance that she is what she is and it's not your fault or in your power to change, so that nothing she says or does can have any emotional impact on you anymore)

1973magpie Wed 31-Oct-12 15:59:47

Hi asgard sorry I don't have anything terribly useful to say as I have recently come to the conclusion that I am in a similar position with my own Mum sad but I have found reading the Stately Homes thread in Relationships quite illuminating, and am considering posting on there myself, (once I have got my head around my situation a bit more) as the other posters seem lovely and seem to really 'get' the problems faced by having a toxic parent. HTH

asgard Wed 31-Oct-12 19:18:07

Hi HotDAMNlifeisgood thanks for the book titles, I will read them. I have spent half an hour very upset just re-reading (she is what she is and its not your fault ) thanks it meant alot hearing that from someone else.

asgard Wed 31-Oct-12 19:24:06

1973magpie writing it down and being responded to is very upsetting and its good to know like me your not on your own

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