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is this relationship worth it anymore?

(13 Posts)
babayjane67 Wed 31-Oct-12 14:22:04

hi havent bothered name changing
ive been with dp for5yrs now,known him for7&we have a4yr old dd
hes so grumpy most of the time,shows me no affection,only a kiss goodbye or goodnight.only time he really asks for a cuddle is in bed when he wants sex!!(which we havent had for months!!im tired of9times out of10having to make the first move for it)
theres no communication.i find it very hard to talk to him about anything&am sometimes half afraid to as he usually gets assy&turns it back on me!
theres been a couple of times when hes blown up at me,once when we were in our local pub(first time we'd been out just us in months)&a subject that we talked about some months earlier,not long after we first got together,came up again&something that he'd told me then,i reiterated to him&he flatly denied he ever said it!!to cut a long story short he ended up storming out of pub&left me there sitting on my own in middle of our local!!!!i felt about3inches high!!!!!
another time was when he picked me up from my friends house,id had few drinks&was drunk but not overly so&he asked me something,which i replied to as i would do when im totally sober&he stopped the car&ordered me out!!!!!
i told him no i wasnt getting was horrible esp as we had dd in the back&she was crying&pretty upset!!
he never sems to wanna do anything just as a couple without dd,though he is very good with her&she is a real daddys girl.
ive just recently stayed the wkend with my best friend&he had dd.he did shower her as i asked him to,did a food shop,took her out to dinner,then picked me up(he wont go in to my friends house)
he works all week&usually does ot on a sun.doesnt really help round the house.will wash up on a sat morn when hes home or on a sun if i cook dinner but thats bout it!sometimes he'll only wash&leave wiping up for me.
he'll sometimes dress dd.but apart from this last wken,never cleans her teeth,showers her,etc.
he just brings me down more&more lately.last time i tried to talk to him about 'us'&how im feeling he said he was too tired to talk so i thought whats the point&didnt bother!!
ive got to go to hosp for some tests on mon.hes taken day off to take me in as i dont drive&when he was moaning about work&being tired AGAIN i said to him oh well luv youve got a day off mon&he said oh yea&what a great time im gonna have on my day off!!!!!!o i said yea what a great time im gonna have too!!!!he said oh youve got a day off too have you???????i just felt like shit!!!!!!!!!
really dont know what to for the best.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 31-Oct-12 14:31:23


CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 31-Oct-12 14:37:48

Unless you both want it to work enough to sit down, talk about it and start making changes in the way you relate to each other then I can't see any future.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 31-Oct-12 14:39:44

OK, so, what are the positives?

He's good with DD (the fun stuff anyway, not the practicalities) and...

he works for a living and...

washes up once a week...

he is giving you a lift to hospital (but is very ungracious about it)...

and, er...

Doesn't sound like a whole lot to hang a relationship on, to be honest.

babayjane67 Wed 31-Oct-12 15:34:39

thanks for your replies
he does do bit of diy now&again&mows the lawn,puts the bins out but thats it really.we got together&had dd very quickly as we both wanted a child.
i was married yrs ago&have two grown up dds.the oldest of which is married with her own dd
he has helped us all out with money,lifts&things in the past&he does put dd to bed every night,unless she asks for me to do it which isnt often!lol
he'll do most anything for our dd&spend most anything on her(weve just taken her to two big shows within a week)but if i asked him to do same for me i know he wouldnt!
i just dont feel loved or wanted or appreciated!!(though when ive asked him he tells me he does love me)
just feel like hes only here for dd not me or 'us'

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 31-Oct-12 15:42:12

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

How would you feel about going it alone with your DD and separating from this man?. This relationship really has nothing going for it at all between the two of you.

babayjane67 Wed 31-Oct-12 16:08:36

i just feel bit sad about it all when i really think about it.
ive found myself,a few times,just start crying for no apparent reason!can be when im hoovering or something on the telly or whatever!!
dds behaviour has got worse lately.more arguing,shouting,hitting me&herself.
waking up lots at night&having lots of wee accidents after being potty trained since just before the summer hols.dont know if its a developmental thing or to do with how things are here.they pick up on lots more than we think they do dont they!!
we have been on our first hol abroad this yr&one here.
i have given separating a bit of thought lately but must admit it does scare me a bit even though ive done it before!
im a sahm,hoping to get something pt when she starts school next yr&dont drive which makes things harder.
he moved in with me so its only my name on tenancy.he brought alot of his furniture&stuff with him so if we split he would have nothing&nowhere to go.
im also bit worried he'd try go for custody as in a previous argument while back,i said he wouldnt be taking her anywhere&he said oh yes i woukd!!!
im also worried how dd will take it if we do split as shes such a daddys girl

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 31-Oct-12 16:18:52

Your DD would be better off having two parents apart and happier than what she has now which is one parent (him) having his private war with you. You should not be together full stop.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships, this is not the role model she needs to see or want to emulate is it?. She is being affected badly by what is happening at home, she is very perceptive and is picking up on all the bad vibes.

She still has a right to see her dad post separation but I would formalise any access arrangements via the court system.

I would seek proper legal advice re the tenancy asap. As you are sole named on the tenancy it should be more straight forward to get him and his stuff out of your home. Do not make yourself responsible for him by saying well he has nowhere to go. That is not your problem or something you should be concerning yourself with.

Such men too are not above using the child as a weapon against the mother, he knows how to hurt you the most. If he was more amenable towards you and dare I say reasonable as a person then you would not be in this situation in the first place.

babayjane67 Wed 31-Oct-12 16:32:45

its not like we're constantly arguing,we dont but we do bicker alot!
hes much more patient with dd than i am&keeps telling me to calm down etc&makes me feel,whether deliberately or not that im a bad mum&ive even,though i never would,thought many a time of just giving up cuz i cant cope anymore&saying he can have sole custody of her cuz he'd be much better!!!!
when i read it all back none of it sounds good does it?
so why do i still feel guilty about thinking about leaving him&talking bout him this way???????

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 31-Oct-12 16:53:52

Your child hears all the bickering constantly.

I think you would be much happier with your DD and without his malign daily prescence in your day to day lives. I think he is the root cause of your unhappiness and you and he would be better off apart. You are no good together and this is not working out.

You probably feel very loyal towards him but he has and is not treating your with the same level of courtesy. He is also not above making verbal threats to you re any future access to his DD.

As Annie wrote earlier, what does this person actually do with your DD?. She is correct in saying that this is not a whole lot to hang a relationship on.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 31-Oct-12 16:55:19

So what do you want to teach your DD about relationships?.

How would you feel if she ended up with a man like this person who moved into your home with all his assorted crap?. BTW in terms of possessions what is his is his and what is yours remains yours.

babayjane67 Wed 31-Oct-12 16:59:37

thanks attila&everyone else for your help
i know what youre saying is right&i guess ive just gotta go through it all properly in my head&get the courage to sort this out once&for all
im off now for bit as im taking dd trick or treating before it gets too late

babayjane67 Wed 31-Oct-12 17:03:31

most of the stuff he brought with him is furniture,curtains etc which we r using.if we split&he takes it all with him,which im not sure is likely really as hes got nowhere to go,then dd&i will be without curtains,sofas etc!!

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