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Terrified of having sex now pregnant. Upsetting my husband :-(

(21 Posts)
Boggled666 Wed 31-Oct-12 13:33:44

NC. From the outset I must say that this is not a post about a dh who is pestering etc of sex or putting any pressure on me. this is about an issue in my head that i need to overcome. DH and I have a really, really wonderful relationship. We are both quite shy people though and talking really openly about sex and things is probably a bit difficult for us.

I am pregnant after having multiple miscarriages. this pregnancy seems to be going quite well, have 12 week scan next week but had scan on monday and all is good thus far. For 3 of the MCs I discovered them/ started bleeding directly after having sex with dh. I now have this link in my head and whenever dh starts being tactile and loving this is what I think about and I move away make excuses etc. Dh is obviously feeling a bit rejected and upset about this as we have always had a really good sex life and throughout my first pregnancy with dc1 it continued as normal.

My dh is wonderfully supportive but he is a very tactile man, he won't push me or complain if I push away but I can feel he is feeling rejected. Last night he did ask me if everything was alright with us? He seemed really worried about it and though I keep explaining it is not him I think his confidence is being knocked. This really upset me, I don't him thinking this, but everytime I try and explain I just feel like I am being totally irrational and silly.

Has anyone else had this in pregnancy and does it last the whole pregnancy or can you move past it?

CailinDana Wed 31-Oct-12 13:38:13

You have had the trauma of multiple miscarriages and now you're worried about a much-wanted pregnancy. Now is not the time to worry about sex. Surely your DH understands your feelings? No sex for the duration of a pregnancy isn't that uncommon and given your totally understandable fears I don't think it's too much to ask by any stretch of the imagination. Perhaps you need to sit down with DH and explain exactly how you feel, and tell him that until you're entirely 100% comfortable you're not going to have sex. That could happen before the baby is born, or it could be after he/she arrives. Either way, it's not a huge sacrifice to make.

dequoisagitil Wed 31-Oct-12 13:42:40

You have to talk to him or write it down for him if you can't get the words out. Penetrative sex isn't the be-all and end-all - you can still be sexual and loving towards each other without it. But you have to explain how you're feeling.

Boggled666 Wed 31-Oct-12 13:45:11

Thanks, I think because we've always been very emotionally and physically close, and we have been told time and time again by professionals sex does not cause the miscarriages etc and I am normally a very logical person he is scared I have gone off him. DH can be quite anxious and unconfident at times and I just can't help but think he is worrying that there is something else wrong.
i know I probably need to just talk with him more, I am just not very good at explaining myself!

CailinDana Wed 31-Oct-12 13:46:13

It honestly doesn't matter one bit whether your fears are founded or not. You shouldn't have sex unless you are 100% happy with it and I'm sure if your DH cares about you he will understand that.

tasmaniandevilchaser Wed 31-Oct-12 14:02:50

Firstly, congrats on your pg! Hope the scan next week gives you some reassurance. We are due around the same time.

I can totally relate to what you're saying. I don't have the link in my mind between sex and my pg losses, but I'm not keen at all to have sex atm. The thought of it makes me quite stressed.

There are other ways to be close, I would talk to your DH and explore those ways, when you feel like it. Your DH sounds lovely, just talk to him.

AlphaBeta82 Wed 31-Oct-12 14:08:02

Hi Boggled, congrats on your pregnancy, as someone who is also in early pregnancy after 3 MCs I complete relate to what you are saying. Your DH sounds like a wonderful man and you obviously have a good relationship.
Have you tried initiating tactile contact in other ways... as tasmani says above, not all ways to be close have to involve intercourse?
Also remember that as you are in the 1st tri, hormones are still all over the place and this is without the added trauma you have been through, it is completely understandable. I'd let yourself be clear of the 1st trimester worries before you worry about sex and things too much.
You also try writing your fears down? I always find this helps me deal with them.

maleview70 Wed 31-Oct-12 14:24:15

To be honest I don't understand why your husband is not thinking the same way as you.

cupcake78 Wed 31-Oct-12 18:00:42

I could have written your thread op. I am also scared of having sex with dh because I've had a few mc at numerous times and the only pregnancy that went full term was my last one and I didn't have sex during it.

I'm now 5+5 would love to spend some adult time with dh but I'm just too scared that its going to make me mc

Dozer Wed 31-Oct-12 18:56:34

Have been in this situation, and was really worried about everything, including sex.

DH got it and we just did other stuff! I found that counselling helped a lot with managing the general anxiety (though I never mentioned sex in the sessions!)

hope all goes well for you this time OP.

snooter Wed 31-Oct-12 19:49:28

Sex doesn't have to mean putting a penis into a vagina - have fun doing other things wink

lotsofcheese Wed 31-Oct-12 20:02:03

I'm in the same position as you (excuse the inappropriate pun).

I'm about 11.5 weeks pregnant after 2 miscarriages in a year. Aside from having zero sex drive, nausea & painful breasts, I am too scared to have sex. I can see myself going this full pregnancy without sex.

I've also shut down a lot emotionally this time; I think it's a self-preservation thing in terms of protecting myself from another m/c.

My DP hasn't pressurised me at all. I've let him know I'm just not feeling like it, physically or emotionally.

MolotovBomb Wed 31-Oct-12 20:11:12

Aren't some women advised against penatrive sex after multiple miscarriages? This might be worth discussing with your CMW.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - what wonderful news after what must have been utter heartache.

Talk to your DH and just say it as you've said it here. I feel certain that from what you've said, he'll understand x

Sampette Wed 31-Oct-12 21:03:10

(Firstly, congratulations)

Why not pleasure your DH in other ways? Oral sex? "Heavy petting"? Or maybe the other hole? wink

I'm sure he'd be more than happy to reciprocate orally and I'd guess there's no danger to you if there's just a bit of licking...

dreamingbohemian Wed 31-Oct-12 21:11:09

Have you been able to tell your DH explicitly that you are afraid to have sex because of what has happened before? I mean, it should be pretty obvious, but have you spelled it out for him?

If so, and he's still taking things personally and feeling rejected, well, I'm afraid he has some growing up to do. He needs to understand it's not all about him.

A lot of women have various issues that mean no or little sex during pregnancy. I would not be impressed at all with a man who made it about him rather than supporting his partner.

SamSmalaidh Wed 31-Oct-12 21:14:35

Haven't you explained to your DH what you are worried about?

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 31-Oct-12 21:20:07

Hmmm, you are terrified of having sex because of the multiple miscarriages and he is upset about it?
That seems a bizarre reaction.
As dreaming says you really need to state your feelings clearly and if he doesn't get in then...he needs to grow up is a nice way of putting it.

Boggled666 Thu 01-Nov-12 08:58:46

Oh dear i really didn't want to turn this into a damming of my dh. He really isn't that sort of man, he isn't 'upset' about about the this, and hasn't said a word other than the other night when he was obviously worrying about us as a relationship. In no way has he made this 'about him'. He is just as loving and supportive as he always is. Previously I have spoken a little too him about it but only in terms of gentle love making not me being worried about sex. Also I enjoy having sex with DH it is an important part of our relationship for me as well as him, I want to get past this. Last night we did have a more indepth conversation about it and he is happy to go at my pace. My main question was does this get better, is it a natural feeling for all women or is it just something I have?

lotsofcheese Thu 01-Nov-12 09:10:36

Glad you managed to have a conversation with your DH & I'm sure you feel better for it. To answer your question, my experience has been that I just don't feel like sex in pregnancy. Full stop. So for me, it didn't get better. However, I did find my normal sex drive after a Caesarian section & once I stopped feeding DS. It was back to business as usual!

It sounds like you're in a loving relationship, so don't worry too much.

dreamingbohemian Thu 01-Nov-12 09:29:44

Okay, I understand you don't want this to be about your DH, but then you did say in your OP:

Dh is obviously feeling a bit rejected and upset about this

My dh is wonderfully supportive but he is a very tactile man, he won't push me or complain if I push away but I can feel he is feeling rejected.

He seemed really worried about it and though I keep explaining it is not him I think his confidence is being knocked.

.....sooooo I hope you can see why you have gotten some of these responses, it's picking up on what you said originally. For me, I'm also coming from the perspective of someone whose DH had to go without sex for long stretches when I was pregnant yet I never once had to worry that he was feeling rejected or having his confidence knocked, because he always made it very clear that it was ok. So it's not to say that your DH is being a jerk or anything, but he should really be handling things such that you don't have to worry for a second whether he's okay.

I'm glad you talked and are feeling better. I don't think there's any way to know how your feelings will develop, every woman is different, you will just have to wait and see.

quietlysuggests Thu 01-Nov-12 10:04:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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