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How often do men who leave their wife and kids for the OW return to the family

(74 Posts)
Leftwith3 Wed 31-Oct-12 11:25:42

Six weeks ago my husband left me and the kids (3mths, 2 and 6) to live with a woman who had started in the office the week our third child was born.

I hoped that in the time away from us would he would miss us and return home but I'm starting to lose hope that he ever will.

So my questions are: how often do they come back to their families and when they do come back how long does it usually take?

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 31-Oct-12 11:34:50

There's no norm. Some try to slink back, others sail off into the sunset without a backward glance. The more important question, however, is 'why would you want a nasty shit like that back?'....

ditavonteesed Wed 31-Oct-12 11:37:22

I can't beging to understand how hard it must be, but you have to assume he isn't coming back and move on, he is the one who is missing out and the best revenge you could ever have is to be happy without him, and then if he does try to slink back you may be in a position to say NO. look after you and your kids

Happylander Wed 31-Oct-12 11:39:31

Why would you want him back? he has shown you such utter disrespect by doing what he has.

Mind you when my ex left I wanted him back 3-4 months after he left there was no way I would touch him with a barge pole. 12 months down the line and I extremely glad he and his selfish arse is gone and the OW is welcome to him.

As hard as it is start seeing yourself as a single parent family and start doing things that you would not do when he was with you. Eventually it gets easier but please please start thinking what an arse he is for walking out on his family and that you did not deserve that and can do better.
Take care xx

clam Wed 31-Oct-12 11:43:55

I'm another who can't for the life of me imagine why you would want him back.

But, seeing as you do, then I would say the fastest way to do it would be to appear to detach, look fab, be cool and look as if you're getting on just fine and dandy without him. Do not cry and beg for his return. Don't make things easy for him to waltz in and play happy families in your home - make him play the MacDonald's dad and freeze in thepark on a Saturday afternoon (making sure the kids are nice and snuggled in thermals). Not such fun in October/November.

BookieMonster Wed 31-Oct-12 11:44:06

Probably best to try and start living your life as though the split is permanent. Don't waste your life waiting for him to come back.
What a twat he is. sad

clam Wed 31-Oct-12 11:45:57

Oh, and you do now that if you let him come back, you're effectively signing up for a lifetime of doubt as to where he is, doing what, with whom. It'd be a green light for him to shag around whenever he likes. Can you live like that?

safflower Wed 31-Oct-12 11:47:40

Sorry you are going through this, and at a time with such very young children I can understand why at present you feel you need/want him back.

BUT the bloke is an arsehole for what he has done both to you and your little ones. If he came slinking bak, would you ever trust him again? How would your life be? Always wondering what he is up to etc, would eat away at you. He is a cunt, who has gone to live with another cunt. Let them get on with it and try to build a happy life with your little unit you have.

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 31-Oct-12 11:49:21

He started this relationship three months ago and walked out on you, his new-born baby and the two other DCs six weeks later. I've spent longer deciding where to go on holiday than he spent considering your marriage. hmm

I'm sorry but I agree with the PP that you need to start working on the basis that he doesn't miss you or his children, isn't coming back and start managing things accordingly. Take charge rather than letting your self-esteem sink any further. Get your friends and family around you because you'll need them. Seek legal and other professional advice so that you are well informed about your rights in the event of a divorce.

Good luck

OneMoreChap Wed 31-Oct-12 11:52:59

I left my wife.

It's such an irrevocable step and causes so much disruption to everyone, I can't imagine doing it and then changing your mind.

tbf, I left and didn't form a relationship with OW until some months had passed.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Wed 31-Oct-12 12:48:03

OneMoreChap you've said many times on these boards that you had an affair then went on to marry the OW.

If that's true what you have written on this thread is a bit misleading at best.

RillaBlythe Wed 31-Oct-12 12:52:43

My dad has come back to the family twice, leaving the OW (once when I was 8, once when I was 24). The first time it took a year, the second time it took 2 years.

OneMoreChap Wed 31-Oct-12 13:07:57

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange

Misleading?

Don't think so, I'd stopped the affair, and tried to do the right thing.

XW was so vile I decided to leave - and didn't do that without thinking of the implications. XW - I believe - thought I'd come slinking back. Don't see how that would have worked when I'd told the children I was leaving.

After I left, I did get back to the OW, but I didn't hop from one bed to another. And yes, I did marry DW.

fiventhree Wed 31-Oct-12 13:19:55

Well said, tired.

I have previously wondered, OMC, when you might move beyond vilfying your exw and see her as just another person with faults and good qualities, just like you.

GhostofMammaTJ Wed 31-Oct-12 13:25:17

When my ExH left me, he insisted there was noone else. I knew there was. I was really upset that he could walk out of our 10 year marriage three weeks before Christmas. I basically fell apart.

When I found out for sure there was another woman, the upset turned to anger. Much easier to cope with.

I would not have wanted him back at that point. I don't understand why anyone would.

OneMoreChap Wed 31-Oct-12 13:35:26

fiventhree & tiredofwaitingforitalltochange

hmm Issues, much?

Well, if you want to start a thread about my XW, her DV towards me, hiding beyond my reach £30k of family money, her lying to my children and trying to split me from my parents, taking me to court for ancillary relief - which ended with her having to pay me - feel free to do so.

On the other hand, perhaps we could all do the courtesy of focusing on the OP and her issues with her husband and his OW, where as I said It's such an irrevocable step and causes so much disruption to everyone, I can't imagine doing it and then changing your mind.

Fairylea Wed 31-Oct-12 13:42:22

You don't want him back. Really, you don't.
You deserve someone who will put you first. I found a new better dh after my ex dh left me for ow.

Life isn't over. Its just beginning. X

UC Wed 31-Oct-12 13:44:59

OP, my exDH left for OW. I too hoped desperately for about 3-4 months that he'd come back, tail between legs. He didn't. After 4-6 months, I was happy by myself, and if he had asked, I'd have told him to get lost.

Give yourself time.

Do not beg him to return.

Get on with life, live each day at a time.

Plaster a smile on your face. One day you will realise you didn't have to plaster it on, it's just there.

Good luck honey.

BethFairbright Wed 31-Oct-12 14:04:19

The answer to the question in your OP is that men who leave for a relationship of only a few weeks or months duration nearly always want to come back to their marriages and families. But all that means is that him and the OW have got to know eachother better and either she's realised he's a prick or he's realised she's a prick. This is no different to single people who crazily decide to commit to people after only a few weeks of knowing them.

The good news is that you don't have to wait to find out that your husband is a prick. You know that already. So yes chances are he'll want to come back, but you'd be mad to let him do so.

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 31-Oct-12 14:06:37

"men who leave for a relationship of only a few weeks or months duration "

Well... that's the story. The truth could be very different, of course. This could have been going on a lot longer than the OP is aware of.

BethFairbright Wed 31-Oct-12 14:17:41

That's true, but the OP said the OW only started work in her husband's office the week their baby was born. The baby's 3 months old and the husband left 6 weeks ago. Unless he knew the OW before she started working with him, or she started at the firm a lot earlier than the OP thinks, by my reckoning he left for a relationship that was 6-7 weeks old.

BethFairbright Wed 31-Oct-12 14:21:50

Probably less actually, on the presumption that newly introduced colleagues don't usually start shagging within days, especially when one of them is married. If that did happen though, I'd say he's done this before and got away with it.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Wed 31-Oct-12 14:38:30

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Mayisout Wed 31-Oct-12 14:45:11

I thought OMC was making the point that if you walk out on DW AND DCs it is a pretty momentous decision and so it's unlikely you will go back on it.

OneMoreChap Wed 31-Oct-12 14:47:05

Thanks, tiredofwaitingforitalltochange

Did your husband come back from the OW? Or were you the OW he left for?
What relevance can you bring to the thread?

I was someone who left his wife. I ended up with OW.
I can speak from the context of a man who left. What have you added?

Oh, and what's your excuse/who made you mod?

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