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Best friend having sex with married men(5 Posts)
I've posted about her before but cannot find the thread. So apologies for repetition!
For a year my bf has had an affair with a mm from work. It came after her newly married husband made some comments about her needing to abort a suspected pregnancy when she desperately wanted a baby and thought they both would be TTC in the near future. (On the last thread it was suggested that this conversation may not have happened and it is her justification for her actions) her affair with X began this time, started off as just sex and then she became more and more obsessed with him.
He broke it off feb last year, she continued to pursue, then his wife found out, he broke it off again, but again she hounded him and then she fell pregnant, she told her own husband the truth- he left, came back, persuaded her to abort and the affair continued with the mm and now he and her have split properly after counselling. She continued to see mm, his wife found out again- he broke it off again, she pursued- he resisted (can you hear me cheering??) and now she has broken it off with him (her version- I think this gives her comfort and control to view it as this).
I am emotionally backing away. She threatened suicide two weeks ago, in text to me- I had to contact her ex to try and find out if she was ok (he was brilliant, hid her pills etc) and I am tired of it all. Emotionally drained. All through this she has also had 'random' encounters with men, and now she had sex with another mm in her office. I have lost sympathy. I can no longer support her, I know when I speak to her I am not saying the things she wants to hear- I have always been honest but also sympathetic - I can't find the sympathy.
She struggled with the fact I am pregnant (her aborted baby would be the same age as mine- very upsetting for her) and I have put my feelings to one side for her for months and months. I saw her last night and I came away so angry- she is pursuing totally morally unsuitable men, idolising some old slag at the office who behaves like she does but with two kids and a rich husband (this made me SO angry) and does not listen to my advice (which she asks for) and talks in disgusting detail (until I stop her and get her to leave it out) about these men.
I had a bit of an epiphany last night. I really wanted to talk through my anxiety about having to start counselling for my ED, the fear I have of doing the glucose test and how I'm coping with food/pregnancy generally. Before, my old version of my bf would be great at this- I haven't troubled her with my issues for months and months. She didn't listen, made a horrid patronising comment- which I said I didn't find helpful and then went back to talking about another men she is interested in (again- totally inappropriate relationship).
I'm done. Please advise me of ways of how I can break off this friendship OR if you think it is salvageable (I miss my 'old' version of my friend deeply- I feel almost like she's died, I cannot recognise her in this new version of herself that much!) and I'm just a bit lost.
Sorry for all the brackets. I hope this makes sense.
Sometimes we outgrow people or they cross lines that we can't tolerate. The most direct & honest way is to explain why you find them difficult to be around but that you'll be there for support if they choose to sort themselves out. Then disengage, make yourself unavailable and keep to your word. At the same time, make new friends, widen your social circle and find others to share problems with.
Do you want to break off the friendship, or do you want to stop having to hear anything about her affairs and drama?
If you want to keep the friend but change the dynamics, then stop her whenever she says anything at all about her affairs and change the subject. Each time she brings it back to those subjects, state: "I don't want to hear anything at all about your extra-marital sex and romantic obsessions."
If you are disgusted enough by her behaviour and truly want to break it off, then don't contact her, don't respond to contact, and if you want to give her a reason, tell her it's because you can't continue supporting a person whose choices you disapprove of (or that it's because she has become obsessive and is no longer able to listen to you and your concerns - whichever you think is the real reason for you wanting to break it off.)
I would essentially tell her what you have posted here.
You have tried to be a good mate to her despite her very dubious behaviour, no you need her support she appears selfish and totally wrapped up in her world of affairs.
You know what- you're right. I am lucky to have a lot of friends- but as cheesy as it sounds, I really do love and care about them and it's really got to me that I can't protect her. First of all, I felt, from this mm, and now from herself.
I am going to tell her the next time she begins to retell what has happened, that I don't think I can hear about it- I want to support her, but it makes me frustrated and unhappy. I am also going to say to her that I need her to support me- to listen. I don't need a lot of time- I just needed to talk it out for 5/10 minutes yesterday. Not be interrupted and patronised.
Thank you all for your comments- I think I have got a grip now!
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