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Life is what you make it??

(31 Posts)
Notlookinforward Tue 30-Oct-12 17:00:13

Dont know where to start. Im a sahm mum with 3dcs 7 3 and 10months. I realy am the end of my tether the baby doesnt sleep he wakes 4 5 6 times a night then regardless of how hes slept hes up and wanting to get up at 530am. Then dd follows at 6 the ds is up at 7. Ive had enough its just the same shit day in day out. I cant face getting out of bed most days. Ive no interest in anything or anyone. The days just mush into one. All i do is school run cleaning and cooking and a food shop once a week. Its really grinding me down. I just want to jump in the car and drive far away. The kids do nothing apart from argue and the baby just clings to my leg crying. I swear thats all i hear arguing mardy kids. Im sorry if my words offend anyone.

Im just fed up of smiling and pretending i love my life. On the surface everythings rosy even dp thinks im fab for doing all what i do and how i cope amazingly. It couldnt be any futher from the truth.

CogitoEerilySpooky Tue 30-Oct-12 17:15:41

Life is what you make of it. So don't 'pretend' or smile all the time because that's a lie. If you crack on everything's rosy, no-one will think to help you and nothing will change. Smiling when you're not coping is therefore counterproductive. You're allowed to say 'help... I'm unhappy'. There's no shame in asking for help. It's not bad to let others know that you're having a tough time. In fact, I suggest you start saying it now, getting your DP and others to shoulder more of the burden and give you a lot more time to yourself to destress and unwind.

However, If you suspect that what you're experiencing goes beyond the normal stress of bting the mum of 3DCs then you may benefit from a trip to your GP to see if you're clinically depressed.

BeingBooyhoo Tue 30-Oct-12 17:22:04

OP you sound like i did when my youngest ws smaller. i had PND. do you think you may have it too?

i agree with cogito, dont pretend it's all ok when it isn't. ask for help if you need it. could you do with someone having the baby for a couple of hours once a week? if you are anything liek me then yes. dont underestimate teh value of 'me time' it doesn't sound like you are getting any. do you have a partner?

BeingBooyhoo Tue 30-Oct-12 17:23:44

sorry, i see you do have a dp. talk to him. tell him honestly that you aren't happy. could he take the pressure off you in the evenings or WRT school runs?

CogitoEerilySpooky Tue 30-Oct-12 17:32:34

If you'll forgive an old atheist, I shall add to 'live is what you make it' a religious adage 'god helps those who help themselves'. That means there's no point keeping your gob shut & waiting for a miracle to happen.... pipe up.

expatinscotland Tue 30-Oct-12 17:34:10

What Cognito said.

OovoofWelcome Tue 30-Oct-12 20:27:34

Sounds like sleeplessness is undermining you to an awful extent (and I completely relate).

Exhaustion makes EVERYTHING feel shit.

I'll get flamed, but have you considered some CC with your 10 month old? Just short increments building up from 30 secs to 4 mins maybe?

It made a massive difference to our lives and DS was immediately better rested, more cheerful, and just as bonded to me. It didn't make him clingy and it worked within 2 nights. The longest it took to settle him (whilst repeatedly going in and out on those timeframes, stroking and comforting him) was 20 mins.

I know it doesn't work for every baby. But DS had been waking up all through the night - every hour/90 mins - and I was a sobbing wreck in the days.

It's not an easy decision but DS is a very secure little boy. He still wakes at 5am though.....!

janelikesjam Tue 30-Oct-12 22:05:19

CC has been brought in because when some babies are separated from their mothers at night they cry because they are alone and scared. Thats how nature intended babies to react, though I suppose thats not very helpful for you OP. Co-sleeping/breastfeeding can help though perhaps you feel past that stage?

Regarding older children however - at least the 7 year old - can you not lay it on the line NOT to be woken up under any circumstances in the morning (excepting fire or nightmare or other emergency)? I do and it works.

Notlookinforward Wed 31-Oct-12 09:33:21

Thankyou for your replies.

I cant do controlled crying ds gets himself into that much of state crying that he wont settle back down. Ive been up with him since 530 again.
I was diagnosed with PND when i first had ds3 but i thought i was over it (i dont think i am tbh).
I could just sit and cry allday everyday. I just feel theres a black cloud over me constantly.

Dp does as much as he can but hes self employed and working hard to provide for us.

I cant even go for a wee without dd knocking on the door and ds2 crying at the bottom of the stairs.

Ive started with a chest infection i cant make an appointment at the drs because i cant face taking all 3 kids as they dont behave or listen (possibly just normal kid stuff)

Notlookinforward Wed 31-Oct-12 09:35:55

I no i should just speak to dp but i dont want to put any pressure on him (his grandad whos been like a dad to him us terminally ill).

Anniegetyourgun Wed 31-Oct-12 09:53:44

Look, it's great that you want to keep the burden off your partner who is working hard, and who does sound as if he appreciates all you do. But you're working hard too, and at least he gets evenings off and a night's sleep. As a decent caring partner, don't you think he'd rather know you were suffering? He'll get one hell of a shock one day if he comes home to find you howling your eyes out in the midst of chaos, or worse, carried off in a straitjacket and his DCs in temporary care! Share the burden - it's not dumping on him - it's what partners do. When he has an extra shit time at work you're extra supportive, right? Well you're having a shit time at your work too, and any man worth his salt would be pleased to work out together how to take some of it off you.

Three young children are bound to be hard work (if you're doing it properly!) but there should be interludes of fun and joy that make up for it. If there aren't, something is wrong; but it is not your fault. Could be the PND, could be sheer knackeredness, but either way, you have every right to ask for help.

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 31-Oct-12 09:57:31

Your DP needs to know. You are a partnership, a team and you need to support each other. In life you can only tackle the things you can change and you have to endure the things you can't change. He can't make his grandad better unfortunately - that has to be endured - but he can really improve your life provided he knows what's going on. He may not be able to take time out from work but he can call on others to rally round. If you say nothing and end up with a full-blown chest infection & sinking into depression completely then he will have two massive problems on his shoulders.

Notlookinforward Wed 31-Oct-12 10:04:45

Yes i know your right he needs to know. I cant let it get the point where i completly break down an lose the plot i feel its coming close. I have made an appointment for the drs this afternoon the 2 eldest are at their dads this afternoon. So i will only have the baby to struggle with. I dont want dcs to grow up with thw memories i have of my childhood with my parents my mother was mentally ill and mt dad was an alcoholic. I still remember my mums temper and the things she did when she was on one. I vowed never to turn out like her.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 31-Oct-12 10:14:04

Ah, that's good. Hope you have a dr who "gets it" - some are pretty poor on things like depression.

Sounds like you had to learn to cope without looking for help when you were young, a hard habit to break.

Notlookinforward Wed 31-Oct-12 10:55:33

Yes and i was the oldest so i took it on my shoulders to look after my ds and db.

I asked to see the same dr who saw me last time i was down.

My dcs are lovely funny bright and clever. My eldest dc is very clever at school and his parents evenings make me beam with pride grin. I should be enjoying them.

twentyten Wed 31-Oct-12 11:03:09

Good luck not.Tell the doctor how it is- you need help and support.Ask about counselling as well-is there a children's centre near you who could help?
So glad to hear about eldest dc.Be proud-and don't give yourself a hard time about what you "should" be doing.You are doing the toughest job in the world.

Notlookinforward Wed 31-Oct-12 14:42:19

Yes theres a sure start centre not far from me.

Im feeling very low today. The baby has done nothing but winge and cry (thats what it feels like) the eldest 2 have just argued banged about and not listened to a word i have said. Today is looking like the day i could break.

Mayisout Wed 31-Oct-12 14:58:52

Well, if eldest is doing so well at school you must be doing something right!!

Getting out if it's only to the doctors will help. And just having someone to talk to will make a difference. Best of luck there.

Wtfhappensnow Thu 01-Nov-12 08:14:22

Hi i started this thread yesterday but i have had to re register hence the name change.

Went to the drs ive got a questionairre to fill out (phq9) then ive got a follow up appointment next weds. Drs also sending me for blood tests.

Told dp everything and hes leaving me apparently he had been having doubts about the relationship anyway and thats it were done.

joblot Thu 01-Nov-12 08:32:44

That's dreadful. Probably explains why you've been feeling so low. Are you talking to one another? Sorry this has happened to you

Wtfhappensnow Thu 01-Nov-12 08:39:02

No he slept on the sofa last night, and all he said to me this morning is that he will be back later to pack his stuff.

Thing is i dont if im in shock or if i really dont care that hes going i might even be reliefed (is that how you spell it).

SamsGoldilocks Thu 01-Nov-12 09:59:47

Oh love, does your dp's decision come completely out of the blue?

All the more reason to fill in the questionnaire and her help from gp.

I get where you're coming from with grumpy whiny children who won't even let you pee in peace. My youngest is now 3 and I can't remember when it changed but if has, the clingy phase us exhausting while it lasts.

MrawMraw Thu 01-Nov-12 10:19:22

I'm so sorry you are feeling terrible.

I have 2 DC , one is 7 and one is 3 and I just could not imagine having another. Another and I would have completely NO time to myself, not even the tiny amount of time and space I get now.

Definitely get some help from your GP and whomever else you can think of. You are a good mum for sure you can tell from your posts, but we all have our breaking points and it seems as if you are surviving on very little sleep.

If you feel yourself getting very stressed with the children, put them in a safe place, put on some music, put earplugs in and go into another room with a lock (like the bathroom or something) and just sit quietly and focus on calming down for a few mins, even do it once an hour or so if you feel you have to. I've had to do this before, it's not ideal but better than completely blowing your top whilst you work on some strategies and getting some help.

I'd start by trying to get the baby's sleep under control, then sort out the finances and find out exactly what you would be entitled to in a split (because you say things are going this way) through CAB or similar. Then deal with everything else from there. Steps.

Using microwave meals (you do get relatively healthy balanced-diet ones these days), fruit the kids will eat, easy and quick meals and those cleaning wipes for a while should hopefully give you a little bit of extra time.

joblot Thu 01-Nov-12 10:24:53

If possible talk to someone in real life and get support. Can the eldest 2 have a prolonged stay at their dad's or gps to give you more space?

Anniegetyourgun Thu 01-Nov-12 10:44:24

OK, so much for the supportive partner then hmm "dp thinks im fab for doing all what i do and how i cope amazingly"... and then just walks out. Now we begin to wonder whether he had anything to do with your current depressed state.

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