Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't know what my motivation is for posting, but...

(7 Posts)
MrsRigby Tue 30-Oct-12 15:06:18

I don't know where to start.

DH and I have problems. We are both in our 30s, have been married 6 years and have 2 DSs and I am also 5 months pregnant.

Things are not working between us. I get the impression that he does not love or want me even though he say's he does. I see no evidence of this, only evidence pointing to not loving or wanting me.

We have only had sex 3 times this year and that was because I begged him. Last year we had sex once. Before that I think we went about 2 years without sex.

He constantly has a go at me or puts me down.

He won't let me do anything to the house, to be fair it is his and has demaned he has his own room ever since we moved in. When I try to do things to the house he has a go at me.

I think theres more to say, but I just can't think clearly at the moment. I don't know whats relevant and whats not.

After DS1 wet the bed this morning at around 4am DH decided to have a go at me and since then I've been on the couch in tears.

The way he treats me is effecting every part of my life and I'm struggling to look after the boys because I'm so full of emotion.

I want to leave him and I've told him if he wants a divorce all he need do is ask and I would happily give it to him, but he just keeps telling me this isn't what he wants. I can't see how I can leave him, when I'll soon have 3 children to look after, no savings, no friends or family and I'm about to lose my job.

Basically I'm trapped with a man who doesn't love or want me in a house that is cold, undecorated and full of broken or unwanted stuff.

CogitoEerilySpooky Tue 30-Oct-12 15:19:53

You sound very unhappy indeed. Being in an abusive environment where you are constantly being verbally attacked or belitted will smash your confidence and self-esteem. I take it that the absence of sex is matched by an absence of any other kind of affection as well? Not allowing you to do anything to 'his house' is bizarre and controlling. Having a go at you because a child wets the bed is unnecessarily aggressive. Why do you have no friends and family? Has he scared them off or driven them away?

If you can't see how you could separate from this man & he won't ask you for a divorce I would strongly recommend you contact a solicitor and go through your options if you start the proceedings yourself. You will find that, since you are married, you have an equal claim to 'his' property, assets, savings and earnings. You would be far from destitute and, if anyone has to leave, it would probably be him rather than you and the DCs. Womens Aid is another good resource for people in abusive relationships.

Good luck

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 30-Oct-12 15:23:24

I second everything Cogito says above, MrsRigby.

There is a better life out there for you. You can take the steps to go grab it.

MrsRigby Tue 30-Oct-12 15:38:03

Thank you CogitoEerilySpooky. Yes, as well as no sex, he also doesn't cuddle or kiss me. He barely looks at me.

I have no friends, I never really have. I left home at 20 because my father was being abusive and have never regretted it or wanted contact with him or my mother. When I left, I didn't think I could have a relationship with aunts or uncles or cousins and so didn't pursue it. So basiacally no family. Nothing he has done or can blaim him for it's just how my situation is.

CogitoEerilySpooky Tue 30-Oct-12 15:40:24

That makes a lot of sense. If you come from an abusive background it's unfortunately very easy to meet someone who is a little less abusive and mistake that for kindness. You obviously have a lot of integrity & courage to have got out the first time around. You'll need to do the same thing again now...

myroomisatip Tue 30-Oct-12 16:32:35

I definitely recommend that you contact Womens Aid, they gave me a lot of support, also get legal advice.

It seems you will have to live there while your divorce goes through? It is awful, this is what I am going through right now sad But, it is only temporary and once it is over you will be so much happier!

AgathaFusty Tue 30-Oct-12 17:34:41

How awful for you and your dcs. Please contact Women's Aid, and also book yourself in for a free half hour with a family law solicitor - you really need to understand what you would be entitled to if you split up. It isn't 'his' house. You are married with children together, so it is the family house. You would be entitled to a good percentage of the house and any other assets.

Please understant that he is abusive to you and your dc. It is not your fault. He is bad, not your or your dc. But you need to put a stop to it for your dc sake and for yourself, because he surely won't.

Knowledge is power. You need to set about finding out how you can separate/divorce. Your children and you will be so much happier away from this abusive bully.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now