New boyfriend has just made me nearly cry...

[karelomen]

I have been seeing a new guy for a month, we have fallen in love and I'm having a lovely 'new' time with him..

This morning we were in bed and he said that he has a female friend who is like an honorary sister to him as all of her family have sadly died, (she has a husband etc) anyway she said that, 'a thought's just crossed my mind that I'm nervous for you to meet her because I really respect her opinion and she may say 'oh whatever floats your boat', (referring to me)

He was implying that her and I might not get on which is weird because I get on with everyone.

I don't know why, but this comment hurt me a lot, I have come home and am sat here nearly in tears.

He apologised for ruining the atmosphere and asked me to forgive him but it was stuck in my throat.

He then asked if I had any friends who would voice their reservations to protect me and I just said that they wouldn't judge and they would just be happy that I'm happy. (which is true and normal I think)

Anyway no-one knows what two people have, it's between those two people.

Anyone think this is a bad sign? Thanks for reading

[HeinousHecate]

I'm not surprised it hurt you.

Why would he think she might like you? And why does that worry him. He 'respects her opinion' is he saying that if she doesn't like you it will change how he feels?

He asked if you had friends who would voice their reservations to protect you? So he thinks she might have reservations? Which means he does?

I don't know, but it sounds like it's him with the problem. I think he's actually telling you - whether he means to or not - how he feels.

The alternative is that actually, she doesn't like anyone he goes out with for reasons only she knows...

[HeinousHecate]

might not like you, that should read.

[HeinousHecate]

Oh yes, third option, Eleanor. Hadn't thought of that one.

[DIYapprentice]

Of it could be that he's nervous because you mean so much to him that he really, really wants the two of you to get on well. Quite possibly a new experience for him, to actually care that someone he is seeing gets on well with everyone who is important to him. So it could be a reflection of just how important you actually are to him.

[CogitoEerilySpooky]

" 'a thought's just crossed my mind that I'm nervous for you to meet her because I really respect her opinion and she may say 'oh whatever floats your boat', (referring to me)"

You're upset because he's effectively saying is 'if she doesn't like you, you're dumped'. If I was with someone so pathetic that they let their friends tell them who to go out with, I wouldn't think very much of them

[karelomen]

In that case the illusion is truly shattered, I have seen this scenario before and I don't want to be a part of it

I refuse to ask someone to change I would rather just move on.

Sadly he was sexually abused as a child by a man so he does have a lot of female friends and I kind of get that, but I'm just worried that Ill be pouring myself into a black hole for love and will never be enough myself to reassure him.

He went on to tell me that he always feels disappointed that she and he have polar opposite taste in books, film, music etc... I don't care whether my male friends like celine dion! its nothing to do with me

Oh shit

[DawnOfTheDee]

That's quite an odd thing to say. It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy because you'd now be going into meeting with this person with the thought that you're not their cup of tea but their opinion is oh so important to your fella.

[karelomen]

Im glad you see why Im hurt

[VoiceofUnreason]

I have a female best friend. My last (now ex-) partner took against her just BECAUSE. My ex was awful to my friend, who tried everything to be friends with her too. In the end, my partner gave me an ultimatum and I chose my friend.

I guess if this has happened to your boyfriend in the past, he might well be wary of it happening again. I know I would. He may be desperate for the two of you to get on but worry that because of a past issue, it may not. Perhaps the best friend didn't like his last girlfriend and was proved right in her opinion of said last girlfriend?

[VoiceofUnreason]

But yes, I get why you're hurt and I do think it an odd thing to say. Having read your subsequent posts which popped up after I made mine, there's obviously more to the tale in terms of issues, I think. I don't give a rats arse that my friend likes football and I don't.

[CroqueMadameHasFangs]

It's like he was almost trying to warn you in advance to be on best behaviour ?

Very strange and upsetting

[karelomen]

yeah I can't quite rectify it, I said why did he think we wouldn't get on and he said that we are very different.
Then in his next breath said that she was the wisest person he knew and that she had no idea how wise she is.

sorry love but as generous as your opinions of other are I cant quite swallow that when we've just spent the night having sex

[vintageviolets]

Hope you don't mind me asking, but do you think they have history together?

[CogitoEerilySpooky]

I could be wrong here... but is it normal for someone, just one month into a relationship, to have revealed about their sexually abused past? It already seems to have been used as his rationale for having close female friends that can give the thumbs up or down to new girlfriends. Does it not strike you that he's potraying himself as a victim so that you're making allowances and he has excuses very early in the day?

[bbface]

Thoughtless, childish and actually quite nasty when you think about it.

He should think you are the bees knees, and the thought that this woman would think differently should not even have occurred to him. I recall my DH being positively desperate to introduce me to all and sundry in the early days of getting together. Was it because I was utterly fantastic and something truly truly special? Nope. Did my DH think I was utterly fantastic and something truly truly special? Yep.

My guess is that there is a past history.

I would strongly suggest are wary. She sounds bitchy, he sounds wanky, and you sound sweet, loved-up and vulnerable. Be careful

[DawnOfTheDee]

Ah, missed the bit where you had only been together one month. Good point Cogito.

Also, he thinks you won't get on because you 'are very different' yet him & her get on so well they are like brother & sister but their tastes are 'polar opposite' (ie very different). Sorry, this just doesn't make sense to me.

I'd tread very carefully here....maybe back off/cool things down a bit and see what happens? Or I may even think that if things are this deep & intense (revelations of abuse) early on with potential problems (his 'sister' won't like you)...this may not be the relationship for you and to end it earlier rather than later.

[DawnOfTheDee]

She sounds bitchy, he sounds wanky, and you sound sweet, loved-up and vulnerable. Be careful

^^This. Absolutely agree.

[karelomen]

Thanks everyone, I had arranged to go round there tonight, its not going to be a barrel of laughs with me feeling like this.
I want to text him to tell him that I am hurt, but Im all fogged by emotion and don't know if it will be wise....?
'I just wanted
to let you know
that I'm really hurt
by what you were saying
to me earlier, I need a bit
of space to think about it all.'

hmm

[DawnOfTheDee]

As long as you don't get into a long, drawn out text convo it should be fine.

If/when he replies just say 'I asked for space to think so won't be replying to any further messages until i've done so'.

[Wilding]

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable text to send, Karelomen. It will probably be quite useful to see how he responds to that.

I'd be a bit unsure about all this happening only one month in, too - that's really not very long and as others have been saying, I would be very surprised to have such intimate details about abuse etc being revealed to me at this stage.

[karelomen]

yeah maybe I wish I could go away and stay with my friends down south but I am forcing myself to stay here because I have loads of washing, cleaning and homework for uni to do and don't want a man to enable my life sliding out of view, just feel like getting away and spending time with people who love me

[HellonHeels]

Washing and cleaning can wait. You could do your university work and then go off to stay with friends?

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

I'd take that to mean you've just been put in your place.

Essentially, he's just said that he values her more than you, and that goes much further than just whether she likes you.

I'd walk away. I can't see it getting any better, and you don't want to get hurt. These things never work out - and although it'll hurt to walk away now, it'll hurt much more further down the line.

I'm really sorry :(

[MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro]

Nothing to add to what others have said, I'm just full of admiration at the bouncing emotional health of your response:

just feel like getting away and spending time with people who love me

Sounds like exactly the right thing to do. If there's any way of compromising so you manage to spend a bit of time with friends but don't totally let go of your other activities (take some work with you?), I think maybe you should.