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Anyone else have a DH who has had a "friendship" with another woman???

(43 Posts)
Londonmummy99 Tue 30-Oct-12 04:11:38

DH and I have had a rocky relationship for years but to cut a long story short, he has admitted to having had a "relationship" which has supposedly finished a while back. He "suppossedly" did not sleep with her and said it was more just a good friendship. Do I believe him? I have never found anything to suggest an affair... like texts, receipts etc and he's always home on time. I'm not easy to live with and admit problems but want to make it work for our two children.

What do you think? Can a man just be "good friends" with another woman, especially as sex is not longer on our agenda at home?

Londonmummy99 Tue 30-Oct-12 04:13:33

Whoops! Something went wrong with my keyboard when typing the title - sorry!

MortimersRaven Tue 30-Oct-12 04:32:57

IMO there is usually an attraction on one side or the other, but it's perfectly manageable not to act upon it, so he may have just been friends with the OW.

MortimersRaven Tue 30-Oct-12 04:36:11

But to answer the question in your title, my DP doesn't have a special or close female friend, he respects the boundaries. My exDP did - and he cheated.

But in my murky past I had very close friendships with a couple of men (who had DPs) with no sex involved.

EagleRiderDirk Tue 30-Oct-12 05:02:52

My dp doesn't but I have close relationships with other men. But there's no sex, touching or kissing. Just very good friendships. It's always been this way though so DP isn't fussed. Are you more bothered by the secrecy of it?

WankbadgersBreakfast Tue 30-Oct-12 05:09:20

DP has lots of very close female friends. They go paintballing, give each other shit and call each other names.
Likewise my best friend (other than DP) happens to have a nutsack. We have zombie movie marathons and hour long text conversations about hobnobs and crumpets.

Doesn't bother me at all. I'm the one he loves.

bendaroo Tue 30-Oct-12 06:12:07

My DH developed a friendship 2 years ago with another woman and was adamant they were 'just friends' and not physically involved. But he lied about the amount of time they spent together, lied about the fact it was just the two of them (pretended other colleagues were present for drinks after work) and got angry and defensive when I questioned him about it.

That reaction showed me there was more to it.

What is making you feel suspicious? And how does he react when you raise it?

BigBroomstickBIWI Tue 30-Oct-12 06:21:59

There are two separate issues here, IMO.

1. Yes, it's perfectly possible for members of the opposite sex to be good friends without sex being involved (although a lot of women on MN have serious issues with this and refuse to believe it)

2. If sex isn't on the agenda at home, then would it not be fair for either of you to look for it elsewhere?

Not saying that the latter is any more palatable, but it does/could seriously impact on the answer to (1)

OpheliaPayneAgain Tue 30-Oct-12 06:45:33

DH has lots of friends, of both genders. shock horror he even occassionally chats to ex's even tho we've been together over 20 years. I even spent Saturday night in a room with all of his ex in laws (old school reunion) mind you some of my old boy friends were there too!

But then, neither of us are prone to nipping out suddenly, working late and we shag like rabbits grin

youliveyoulearn Tue 30-Oct-12 07:56:49

Londonmummy99 I too am asking same question? I found out 3 months ago that dh has been in contact with an ex for 2 years and says only a friendship. When they were together 14 yeats ago she was married and they had a 4 year affair!
Says not interested in her and if we split up he would not go to her. He says just friends who happen to have a past!/
Do I believe him? It's difficult isn't it. I love him and he says he's sorry and loves me.
My issue with him at the moment is that he doesn't like to discuss and although understands I want facts/answers he said not important and we need to concentrate on our relationship and move on.
I write draft texts constantly and will ask more questions but at moment taking one day at a time. I'm struggling cause fighting to keep my thoughts and emotions in check for everyones sake and feel like my hearts in my chest. (indigestion etc)!
Is this how you're feeling???

VoiceofUnreason Tue 30-Oct-12 08:17:31

I'm a man and if I had to name my ten closest friends, eight of them would be female. My best friend is female. We're very close, and people have often made an assumption, but nothing has ever happened nor will it. We are like brother and sister (possibly because we are both only children). We're currently both single and went on holiday together. Same hotel room (twin beds).

My ex-partner of 9 years was introduced to my female friends very early on, so she knew the score. However, a few years down the road, she started making derogatory comments. When one of my female friends split up with her bloke, my ex came out with "well, you two can get together now; you get on so well and she's so attractive". She said it was a joke, but it clearly wasn't. She had a particular problem with my best friend. I made every effort, my friend made every effort, but she caused an awful amount of friction.

I spent less time with my friend and rarely saw her unless it was in a group situation. She felt pushed aside, which was unfair, as she'd done nothing wrong and had done everything she could to be friends with my partner. My partner started to accuse me of going behind her back to meet my friend (which was not the case).

She couldn't handle it and it really impacted on our relationship to the point where I felt untrusted. She then declared that I had to choose her or my friend. I chose my friend. I'd known her longer, we'd been there for each other in some really appalling times (my first girlfriend was killed in a car crash).

My ex declared to everyone, all our mutual friends, that this proved there was something going on and we'd be a couple within 3 months. Three years later and still nothing has happened between us. It won't. It's not like that. I've never crossed a line with any of my female friends.

Men and women can be friends. In my experience men seem to have less of an issue of a woman having male friends than vice versa. I also think it's often generational - it's much more common now for mixed-sex friendships. But I do think if there has been a romantic/sexual history, it can be very awkward and unfair on a new partner.

blueshoes Tue 30-Oct-12 09:30:02

How did this past relationship come to light? Were you having problems in your marriage then?

How do you know he did not text her previously at the time this relationship was supposedly still on. Were you checking his texts etc then?

Affairs can be conducted in day time.

Why is it important for you to know or not whether this was a full blown affair or just a close non-sexual relationship. What difference will it make to your plans for the marriage?

Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 10:00:24

OP the question is not, "Can men and women have platonic friendships" but "Why is this particular friendship causing you to feel uneasy?" My nowX-H had a lot of female friends & colleagues over the years, travelled away a lot, none of that ever bothered me and I don't think it would have occurred to either of us that he would have an affair. Then last year, he made a new female friend and for whatever reason, I knew this was different. Every alarm bell in my head started ringing out of nowhere. I had NEVER felt this before despite 18 years together and plenty of previous opportunity on his part. I suddenly couldn't sleep, couldn't eat (lost 20lbs in 2 months). He told me she just was just a "really good" friend, he liked talking to her (and oh yes by the way she is attractive but you have nothing to worry about). She was helping him with "stuff", he was helping her with "stuff". We still had a pretty decent sex life even. But yes, it was a full blown affair, ticking every cliche in the book. I should have trusted my instincts.

If you're worried about it there's a reason - whether that reason is that you don't fully trust him & think he could be lying or because you know there are issues in your marriage that need to be addressed. Trust your instincts.

OneMoreChap Tue 30-Oct-12 11:54:42

It's quite possible she's just a friend.

If sex is not longer on our agenda at home because his libido is caned with anti-depressants, or he suffers chronic ED it's quite likely.

If there's some other reason, I'd imagine it's less likely. Why has he decided neither of you are having sex any more, or vice-versa?

I'm not easy to live with and admit problems but want to make it work for our two children. - LTR with no sex are often problematic. Good luck with that.

girojim Tue 30-Oct-12 12:06:40

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Lovingfreedom Tue 30-Oct-12 12:10:27

Any relationship that you have to 'admit' to your DP is almost always inappropriate and probably signals infidelity. In a normal relationship you get introduced to close friends fairly early on...and new ones are not concealed.

BethFairbright Tue 30-Oct-12 13:26:24

If you didn't know about this 'friendship' at the time, then that's probably because it was an affair, not a friendship.

He'd have a reason to keep an affair secret, but not an innocent friendship.

BigBroomstickBIWI Tue 30-Oct-12 13:29:15

Hmm. Supportive first post there, girojim

Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 14:02:34

BigBroom - don't bother, it just encourages them

snuffaluffagus Tue 30-Oct-12 14:10:06

One of my really close friends is a man. I am married, he is engaged, my husband doesn't mind who I am friends with, his fiancee does. She gives him grief about seeing his female friends, if I'm out with him she texts and calls constantly. He has never cheated on her and we only see each other every few months due to distance. Yes she is insecure and I can see why she doesn't like him seeing his female friends without her to a certain extent, but as a consequence he has started fibbing a bit when we're due to go out, telling her there are other people there etc. We are NOT having an affair or romantically involved in any way, he just views it as saving him earache.

girojim Tue 30-Oct-12 14:36:36

BigBroomstickBIWI - she's asking for advice. It's obvious what's happening, pussyfoot around it all you want but it's clear what's happening here. She probably knows it herself deep down.

BethFairbright Tue 30-Oct-12 14:38:29

I'd never meet a man who was lying to his partner about our meetings. I'd also have no respect for a bloke who preferred lying to standing up for his right to have friends. No wonder his fiancee feels insecure. She's engaged to a liar.

Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 14:44:34

girojim - yes, she asked for advice - why do you think that then entitles you to call her names unless you are too fucking stupid to know the difference between advice and criticism?

Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 14:48:50

Oops BigBroom - didn't take my own advice, it was just too tempting! grin

Polecat2011 Tue 30-Oct-12 14:52:39

I am so sorry you are going through this. Any "friendship" which your DP says is "over" was clearly "on" at some time. Relationships become "over" whereas friendships wax and wane. If it was a secret then there was something to hide. Trust your instincts. Ask him what caused it to be "over" and who ended it.

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