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jealousy eating me up

(17 Posts)
Itstoolate Mon 29-Oct-12 21:11:12

My relationship is at breaking point because of my jealousy.

My partner is a good looking guy, fantastic personality, and i cant help feeling that he could get somebody better than me, i have zero confidence, and i dont know how to fix it, now its becoming a REAL problem because ive turned into a crazy jealous person.

Today my partner went into a shop to see somebody, this guy wasnt there but my partner stayed for a good 10 mins chatting to some girl in there, says she is somebody he went to school with, i totally flipped out, accusing him of flirting, chatting her up, i was furious.

In fact, i hate him talking to ANY women, i fear he'll think they're better than me, that he'll think "why am i with that downtrodden bitch when i could have somebody like this instead"

I dont know what to do to build my confidence and get rid of the green eyed monster, i HATE being like this, i feel pathetic, its not fair on my partner, he hates it too, says i better start reigning it in because he dont know how much more he can take of my jealous outbursts, of not being allowed to so much as look in the direction of another woman, im ruining my relationship.

I wish i could just flip a switch and turn it off but i cant, i dont know what to do sad

putthelimeinthecoconut Mon 29-Oct-12 21:26:09

I know how you feel, I have a real problem with jealousy too and even though I try to hide it it's still there eating me up inside sad Mine was caused by my seriously compulsive liar of an ex boyfriend who was cheating on me for months. Has anything like that happened to you? or is it just an issue of self esteem?

I've actually just tonight finished it properly with my ex (not the cheater) as I feel I'm not ready for a relationship while I feel like this.

I haven't really got any advice as I suffer from the same thing. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I'll be watching this thread to get the same awesome mumsnet advice that you'll get smile

plumedematante Mon 29-Oct-12 21:37:28

Well, I understand how you feel because I too am a sufferer. However, there is a difference between you and me... I have it under control.

How? I hear you ask.

Well, with some difficulty but you CAN do it. I have suffered with jealousy all my life. That sick feeling in your stomach, the irrational fury, the anger, the outbursts, the not feeling good enough. And it is madness. I am slim, attractive. I'm bright, intelligent, witty. I'm as good as all the other women out there - just as you are. And I still feel so inadequate.

My partner knows nothing of my jealousy. I recognise that it is ME with the problem, not him and that my irrational thoughts are better off not being voiced. you do know that you don't HAVE to act on your feelings, yes? Exercise some self control.

I started small. My partner may comment on a woman we pass looking like an ex girlfriend or an actress being attractive. He might smile at the waitress. All triggers for me. So I just say nothing, keep my face composed. He says ' that woman looks just like a girlfriend i had when I was 22 ' and i said ' Oh did she? ' in a neutral voice. And then NOTHING MORE.

Practice this. When he came out of the shop - you should have said NOTHING. And concentrated on not using passive aggressive body language. Keep your tone light and change the subject to something more comfortable for you as soon as you can.

Always remember - this is YOUR problem. Don't make it his - your fears will become a self fulfilling prophecy otherwise. Unless he is giving you good cause to be jealous or deliberately poking you/ goading you then you must stop. And only one person can do that.

dequoisagitil Mon 29-Oct-12 21:39:07

You need to do some work on your self-esteem, through counselling or something. You need him off that pedestal where you're unworthy of him.

If he doesn't make you feel good about yourself, is it about you or is it the way he treats you?

Itstoolate Mon 29-Oct-12 22:00:13

I just dont feel good enough.

I just feel ugly, i feel im not good looking, i have a horrible body (after 2 kids) i feel like im not interesting, i feel like everyone is better than me.

If another woman smiles at my DP i actually want to flip out and make it perfectly clear that she better not do it again (of course id never actually do this)

If my DP speaks to another woman i think he must want to fuck her. I go crazy.

I just cant stop myself, i open my mouth and my brains fly out, i feel like, if i dont say something he will think im ok with it, and keep doing it.

I think it also bothers me that he DOESNT get jealous, he says that he does but can hide it, but i dont believe it, i often say that i could go out and shag somebody and he wouldnt bat an eyelid, he wouldnt care.

plumedematante Mon 29-Oct-12 22:12:22

So what are you going to do?

keep wallowing and indulging yourself in this? Until he leaves you?

Or have a re read of my suggestions and try. counselling would benefit you.

oh and you CAN stop yourself. But you must try.

izzyizin Mon 29-Oct-12 22:15:03

Is your dp the father of your dc?

Itstoolate Mon 29-Oct-12 22:20:29

Plume - i really dont want to do councilling, ive done it before for social anxiety and it just wasnt my cup of tea, it didnt work for me. I just wish i could sort it out myself

Izzy - yes he is the father of our 2 kids.

zeldapinwheel Tue 30-Oct-12 01:54:20

I had an ex like you, hated me looking at or talking to any man, when we were driving if I looked out of the side window I was looking at men walking past. I bumped into an old friends husband on a night out with ex and stood chatting for 10 mins, mostly about old friend and ex sulked for the rest of the night. He'd drive miles out of the way so we didn't drive past my 1st ever boyfriends house, he didn't even live there anymore. And there was a load more things that eventually caused me to think well if I'm being accused of something constantly then I might as well do it. I cheated on him with a man who made me realise what a twat ex was being which made it easier for me to dump him. If you constantly accuse someone of doing something then eventually they probably will, if there doing the time might as well do the crime!

Is like to add that I'd never cheated before or have since but truely felt like I was pushed into it because it was 'expected' of me.

Please get some professional help to overcome your issues, I don't much like counselling either but surely its better than losing your oh.

unionjack2012 Tue 30-Oct-12 03:54:25

I think I would be right in saying that the biggest turn off for a man is a jealous woman? Therefore I think you do need to focus on yourself, for your own sanity and also happiness. Have you tried CBT? It's fantastic and really trains you to rethink the pattern of thoughts that you constantly have. Once you become more confident in yourself, your worries should start to subside.

I too have a "model" looking husband yet I'm overweight and have a "mummy figure", yet I LOVE women commenting on my husband, because I feel proud of him and at the end of the day, he goes home with me!

Good luck... start to feel beautiful from the inside first smile

maleview70 Tue 30-Oct-12 07:39:48

Living with a jealous person is very difficult. If you carry on he could end up leaving you.

Jealousy is a completely wasted emotion.

CrackerJackShack Tue 30-Oct-12 08:06:53

There's nothing more attractive than confidence. You need to start working on yours. Jealously is just a bi-product of your low self esteem.

VoiceofUnreason Tue 30-Oct-12 08:22:11

Have to back maleview's comment. I've just posted in another thread where my ex-partner was unjustifiably jealous of my female best friend who was on the scene long before my ex. She's now my ex for that reason.

You will find it very hard to maintain any relationship if you can't sort the issue out, as even if a guy loves you very much, the constant accusations become wearing and, in the end, not worth hanging on in there for.

Itstoolate Tue 30-Oct-12 08:34:21

The worst part is, i KNOW its a self fulfilling prophacy, that if i carry on then he will probably go with somebody else because he's always being accused of it, and that thought makes it worse, i think its gone on so long that its coming soon, and it makes the jealousy worse.

I think, weirdly, the only time ive not been jealous was when i was pregnant with our youngest, its like the jealousy disappeared for 9 month, and we'd never been happier. Then once baby was born and i suddenly got stretch marks and put on weight (none of which happened after our first) the jealousy came back with a vengance and things went downhill.

Ive lost the weight, im pretty much back to normal, but i still just feel ugly and insecure

fluffyraggies Tue 30-Oct-12 08:37:37

Sympathies OP. I too struggle with jealousy. I've mentioned it on a thread in the past, i think.

I've told my Dh i'm a very very jealous person, but am aware of it and will always try to stay reasonable, and my DH freely admits to being the exactly same. This helps, in some ways, as he knows how it feels.

I can tell when his 'unreasonable jealousy radar' is beeping. He doesn't get aggressive or anything, but he will ask me daft things. Such as was the plumber/electrition/decorator that came round good looking? Did he chat me up? Did i get chatted up at all tonight? (if i've been out without him) Did i feel like so and so (male) was looking at me allot? ect.

I know that all sounds awful. But he'll tend to only ask one direct question and then drop it. Not go on and on. Sometimes he'll laugh about it and say sorry - i'm being a jealous idiot! And then drop it. He handles it best he can. I know how it feels and so i answer his question and the situation turns into a non event.

As for me, i think i'm more subtle about my jealousy. I probably spend more time actually worrying than he does as I try not to ask anything direct at all. I'll probe in other ways to find out what i want to know when the moment presents itself!

Ironically my DH (as does many men) finds clingyness and jealousy very unattractive, so i remember that and that helps me not to appear that way. When i'm feeling like quizing him or being sulky about something i picture him seeing me as a whinning, grasping parasite sort of woman rather than the attractive, independant, loving, witty woman he loves and i know i can be if i put my mind to it.

My point is, OP, that you need to accept you're like this and will probably always be like this, but need to get a grip on it. Perhaps ask your OH to help you find a way for you to get it under control.

Good luck with this OP.

DIYapprentice Tue 30-Oct-12 08:54:34

i really dont want to do councilling, ive done it before for social anxiety and it just wasnt my cup of tea

I'm sorry, it needs to be said. You need to suck it up and just do it. The reason it wasn't your cup of tea is because counselling is HARD! It deals with issues that you would rather not deal with, things you would much rather sweep under the carpet. It makes you try things you are uncomfortable trying, talk about things you would prefer to ignore for the rest of your life.

If you think your relationship is worth it, if you think YOU are worth it, you would actually be taking these difficult steps to make things work.

Itstoolate Tue 30-Oct-12 09:00:49

Thanks fluffy. I know i need to control it, "reign it in a little" i just cant seem to control myself, i need to try and keep my mouth shut.

And like i said, it bothers me a bit that he doesnt get jealous, in the 5 years we've been together ive seen him be jealous twice, first time was when a guy in a club spoke to me (DP was drunk at the time) second time was when one of his friends was talking to me and made me laugh, DP was again drunk and told him "you better not be chatting up my girlfriend" he was really angry.

Other than that, he's never been jealous and i get it into my head that he doesnt care.

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