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what do you tell people in RL if you are in an EA or VA relationship and/or thinking of separating?

(7 Posts)
desparatelyseekingsomething Mon 29-Oct-12 19:07:30

The title says it all really confused. oh appears like the ideal partner to most people - always coming across as very polite, reasonable etc, good at throwing "jokey comments" which imply that I'm not. We are in the process of moving (for my job) and I'm meeting new people. They ask about oh, ask why I don't seem to miss him when away etc and I don't know what to say. I also don't know what I will say if (when?) we do split up. I don't want to say that he is an abusive git - it seems unfair to him (I don't think that he means to be - I think that it is just that he was brought up to think of women in certain roles and I am unable to fit that role and so he is unable to cope with this). I really struggle with all the "you must be looking forward to seeing oh" type comments and want to somehow give the impression that all may not be well without saying anything much IYSWIM. Should I just try to pretend that all is rosy until something changes? I'm partly worried that he will meet someone from my work and "say something" I guess.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 29-Oct-12 19:17:11

I think that getting on with separating from an abusive git is a more urgent concern than responding to polite chit chat. They are not enquiring about the state of your relationship: they are making small talk.

Leave the man. The resolve you will feel then will guide how you tell people about the state of your relationship.

desparatelyseekingsomething Mon 29-Oct-12 19:22:18

but if I leave him then they are bound to notice hmm aren't they? And want to know why?

HissyByName Mon 29-Oct-12 23:03:00

Just focus on getting out. Your life is your business, and yours only.

Beckamaw Tue 30-Oct-12 00:52:05

Yes, you get some nosy bastards. It is none of their business though.
I tended to wait until HE told his story. Then any probing would be met with:
"He's clearly having a difficult time at the moment and everyone needs a friend. There are also always two sides to every story, and then there is the truth. Please forgive me for not providing mine".

It shut them up and made them think!

foolonthehill Tue 30-Oct-12 07:54:08

I just tell them "he wasn't nice to me or the DC" not my job to protect his reputation and the DCs needed protecting from him.

CogitoEerilySpooky Tue 30-Oct-12 07:58:01

Your relationships are none of other people's business. Doesn't matter why you say together or why you split up, you are not obliged to tell anyone anything you don't want to at any stage. Don't 'pretend' therefore, just don't talk about it... change the subject. I found 'it didn't work out' was all anyone needed if they asked directly. Close friends and family only got anything approaching the full story.

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