I am a regular and have name changed! I have been a long-standing dysfunctional relationship for 20 years. We have two DC, a teen and an 8 year old. Teenage daughter is savagely rude and has been threatening and violent towards me on a number of occasions. She says, and I quote ?Me and Dad both hate you. I know I can say and do anything I like to you because Dad will always take my side and blame you?. And this is the case. Over time, with much challenging, he now attempts to make of show of supporting me, eg ?DS1 I don?t think you should be so rude to your mother? ?please can you stop it??, but always ends up saying it was my fault she was rude/swearing/abusive, and she knows this.
From day one, he has had no concept of reality. The day after an event or argument, he will deny what he said and did, often attributing his own words and actions to me. He repeatedly says I am ?mad/crazy/a lunatic? in front of the children. Teenager repeats this frequently. This has had a massive impact on me over the years. I know now that it is gaslighting and emotionally abusive. Last year he had an EA ? (he has had others ? which may have been physical ? he has never admitted it). The upshot of this was we went to see a very experienced private therapist. In therapy he told constant lies about me. He declined to discuss his EA, saying it was a friendship. I knew he was lying and eventually told him and the therapist I had read their email correspondence. There was still no meaningful discussion of this relationship. As well as telling constant lies about me ? (I don?t mean slightly different interpretations of events I mean whopping LIES), he also disputed everything I said about him and our relationship and said I was lying. I was lying when I said he drank ten or more units every day for the first 17 years of our relationship. I was lying when I said we no longer have a physical relationship because for many years he had had sex only at a time and in a manner of his choosing and on one occasions not for a year because he preferred porn.
After 8 months of therapy, I called a halt to the joke it had become. He was still sleeping with his phone under his pillow and taking it to the toilet, carrying it in his pyjamas etc. He did not do a single piece of the homework we were given if it involved speaking to me. He sat wide eyed and said he could not believe I said he had a drink problem. He was admitted to hospital the previous year with an alcohol related bleed. The therapist clearly felt sorry for him, believed him, blamed me, constantly asked me why I thought he did things. I don?t know, I said, why don?t you ask him? He literally did not speak to me, other than than pleasantries, except for the hour of therapy per week, for the whole 8 months. I met with her alone at the end and said I felt let down that she had not challenged these behaviours and I felt unsupported. From what I can gather, this is a textbook outcome for therapy in an EA relationship. I would never go again. He was furious when I stopped the therapy.
I have learned tons from reading on MN over the past 6 months, and from reading Lundy. I find this a source of support and comfort. I have a couple of great friends in real life. I have no family support. He has engaged my family and his own family against me, also neighbours. He has tried to do this with my friends, but fortunately they can see through him and will let me know what crap he is saying about me. I have a professional job, where, bizarrely, people respect and like me, and seek my views and judgement.
I have kicked him out twice lately for nonsense centred around our teenager, basically saying support me (which he won?t) or go. My younger DC is placid, easy-going and we have a great and close relationship, but this situation impacts horribly and my younger DC often feels very caught in the middle. Things are not horrendous all the time. There can be long periods of calm where we live without any intimacy, but without any aggro. To come to the point, how the hell do people find the guts to see it through and leave? It?s fine when I?m angry, in the heat of the moment, I can see things absolutely clearly and know what to do. As things have got and stayed worse, I have looked at practical steps I will need to take, and started to plan a single life, with at least one, and possibly both of my kids.
To come to my question ? sorry ? this has been such a long time brewing ? how does a person find the resolve to decide to leave, and see it through? When I have tried to, he acts heartbroken, says I am taking his kids away from him, it?s all my fault etc. He has also told me he never wanted a relationship with me and did not want kids with me. But hey ho, I try to end it and I?m ruining his life. I know people DO leave and are in much tougher circumstances than me. I know he will milk the situation for all it?s worth and play the victim, to anyone who?ll listen, including the kids. I know he will be a nightmare and there will be no cooperation as co parents, as there has been little or none as ?partners? and parents so far. Both children love him very much, though he has not been a proper parent and they both know that he has had fun with them whilst I have done the actually job of parenting. Are there any steps I can take to steel myself and make myself go through with what has to be done? I just mull things over endlessly in my head, but lack the courage to sort things out. I would appreciate any wise words, especially from those have struggled similarly. We?re in our 40s, I?m a few years older than him. We?re not married. Thanks for your staying power if you read all of this. x
I will be reading but can't post often.
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Relationships
How to stay angry and find the guts to leave (looong)
19 replies
buggerslugs · 29/10/2012 17:48
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