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Benefit of the doubt or should I just give him hell anyway?

(9 Posts)
weltschmerz Mon 29-Oct-12 16:56:18

A little background. DH and I have been going through a very stressful time of late: both of us have been working long hours, I am under threat of redundancy, my dad has a terminal illness and altogether things are really shit. On top of this, DS isn't sleeping well and is pretty demanding, though lovely - he's not really at the age where he can grasp what's going on with my dad or with our jobs.
I'm kind of holding it together - not very well, but managing sort of OK. This weekend was a friend's 40th birthday which we'd both been looking forward to and was my first night out in ages. It was hosted at a pub with some food put out on the side rather than a sit down meal. ILs were babysitting and I assumed we'd be back around midnight.
DH has a couple of drinks and seems a bit tipsy, but nothing too bad. We both wander around the party catching up with our friends and I don't see him for an hour or so; then a friend comes alerts me that DH is now completely off his face. He's hanging off the birthday boy yelling 'you're my besht friend' in his ear, so I peel him off, say a brief goodbye and try to get him back to the train station, thinking the walk might sober him up.
Once we're outside he gets verbally agressive and suddenly starts weaving around dramatically. I manage to find a bench for him to sit on and he is violently sick several times. After about 10 minutes this gets worrying - he's brought up all the contents of his stomach and it doesn't seem to be improving matters, so I call an ambulance and get him to the hospital, where he passes out. Hospital think it's just a case of too much alcohol and he's a lightweight, since he doesn't drink regularly. Since the hospital understandably want him out as soon as possible, I stay with him, punctuated by frantic calls to ILs to explain the situation. He finally regains consciousness and gets out at 5am, and by the time we get home I manage to put him to bed before getting DS up and ready for nursery. I then go to work having had no sleep at all.

I am beyond livid. I am ready to give him hell, possibly (though I'm not decided about this yet) short of actually killing him, however I also have a nagging feeling that his physical reaction seemed very strong for the amount of time we were at the party and the amount he seemed to drink. If I was being extremely charitable I might say that it is possible he could have also eaten something dodgy, but the emotional side of me says that he acted like a twattish adolescent and I have no intention of forgiving him over this. He has mumbled a couple of times that he's really sorry and I just can't respond.

Since it's a once-off, I'm not calling Al-Anon yet, as I think it was probably extreme stupidity rather than a crutch. However, whenever I've had thoughts of really dragging him over the coals for this, I do get the nagging doubt that food might have been a factor and perhaps I should be more ready to accept his apology. (I didn't have any of the food myself as I just stuck to the birthday cake!)

Should I give him the benefit of the doubt, or give him seven shades of hell anyway?

notjustastateofmind Mon 29-Oct-12 17:00:48

Tell him you're pissed off that he made a twat of himself; made you leave the party early; threw up on a bench like some 16 year old drinking Snakebite; and made you spend hours in A&E when you'd have rather been in bed.

But ultimately give him the benefit of the doubt. He probably had tonnes more to drink than he thought and handled it badly. Let's face it we've all been there. Tries to not remember the time I threw up in my handbag at the bus stop in front of all my work colleagues after a work night out when my boss kept buying me doubles instead of singles

mutny Mon 29-Oct-12 17:00:51

Why do you need to give him hell?
Even if he was just hammered would it not be better to discuss it.
as you are unsure I would discuss the situation anyway then if it comes out he had 10 shots in 5 minutes deal with that and tell him why you are upset.
I don't get what advantage having a go will give you. You can comunicate that you are upset without that.

greeneyed Mon 29-Oct-12 17:11:13

Sounds like this is an isolated incedent? He'll be feeling pretty sheepish I expect, fair enough to be annoyed and tired but sounds like you are BOTH under stress and he just decided to cut loose, sometimes we can all behave like a child from time to time when things get on top of us. Give hom the raised eyebrow of disappointment and get over it!

highlandcoo Mon 29-Oct-12 17:26:05

I totally get why you are pissed off in the short-term. But to say you have no intention of forgiving him ... Really?
Sounds like this was a one-off, possibly a real misjudgement on his part admittedly. A little magnanimity on your part would go a long way here IMO

WhoNickedMyName Mon 29-Oct-12 19:28:43

Oh come on... There are probably very few people that haven't got themselves horrendously drunk and sick like that at least once in their lives. I know I have, and it was a lesson learned, and never repeated.

He did a really stupid thing and he's probably feeling like shit, both physically and knowing he looked and behaved like a complete twat but I find your reaction and language over this just disgusting and a massive over-reaction if I'm honest...

Beyond livid
Give him hell
Short of actually killing him
I have no intention of forgiving him over this
Dragging him over the coals
Give him seven shades of hell

Really? You make yourself sound awful.

whatatwat Mon 29-Oct-12 19:34:57

so your husband went out with you, got drunk, made a twt of himself and got very sick...
you say its a 1 off, you are both very stressed, and he has appoligised?
and yet you are

Beyond livid
Give him hell
Short of actually killing him
I have no intention of forgiving
Dragging him over the coals
Give him seven shades of hell

you sound like you are being a total drama queen

AThingInYourLife Mon 29-Oct-12 19:42:09

I don't really see what "doubt" you're considering giving him the benefit of.

Clearly he didn't hospitalise himself on purpose.

This isn't part of a pattern of behaviour.

He went out, drank too much, possibly ate something dodgy, made a twat if himself and you thought it necessary to bring him to A&E.

I get why you are pissed off, but not the level of fury or the thoughts of not forgiving him.

If you were the one who drank too much, what would you expect of him (for a once off)?

Feckbox Mon 29-Oct-12 19:50:09

A one off?
You need to forgive and forget.
He's suffered direct consequences already

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