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What can I do about my Mum?

(5 Posts)
peterpie Mon 29-Oct-12 15:55:55

Where to even begin...?

My relationship with my Mum has been strained for years which is down to the way she treated me when I was growing up. Binge-drinking, affair, depression, falling pregnant to another man, splitting up with my Dad, lots of emotional blackmail etc. There is far too much to go into but needless to say I lost all respect I had for her by the time I reached my late teens.

I moved abroad 6 years ago (Europe) and have since had 2 children and am expecting my third in the next couple of weeks. My Mum was totally against me moving here as of course I was leaving her on her own, she has no friends any more.

Since I have lived here I have maintained contact with her and visit her fairly regularly and up until recently she came here for trips. It is nearly always strained and we often end up rowing as being under the same roof for 2 -3 weeks is hard. It is very intense.

Two years ago she was diagnosed with early onset Dementia and although she can still live independently she is slowly getting worse and I know eventually she won´t be able to cope on her own. I am so worried. I actually think it´s the worst thing that could have happened and I feel it is my punishment for leaving her. Despite everything she is still my Mum.

I know it would be so much easier if I lived in the UK and could help her out. On the other hand I know that if I had daily contact with her that would have a negative impact on the life I have with my DH and my children as deep down I cannot forgive the way she treated me. Sometimes just a simple commment she makes (usually about my children) brings it all flooding back.

But I am an only child and feel a huge sense of responsibility.

Not sure why I am posting really...maybe late pg hormones confused

Mayisout Mon 29-Oct-12 16:01:18

Maybe you just feel huge regret over your unhappy relationship with her and now, due to the alzheimer's disease, you realise you are very unlikely to make amends with her.

If I had a young family I would be very cautious about taking on the care of a relative with alzheimers. It would probably be too much to take on. Also you can't assume that social services or the nhs would step in when things got worse.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 29-Oct-12 16:20:33

Her illness is NOT your punishment for leaving. (Children are meant to become independent and forge a life of their own).

What kind of care can you arrange for her at a distance?

peterpie Mon 29-Oct-12 20:07:44

May - Yes, I think you are right. It is hard for me to come to terms with the fact that she will now never acknowledge the past and everything that went on. She wouldn´t do so before the illness so there´s no chance now. Even though it is a long time ago, a lot of what went on is still very fresh in my mind.

HotDAMN - I know you are right but when you have been threatened and emotionally blackmailed so many times for wanting your own life, it is hard to break out of that mindset. If I have learned something is that my own children will have their own lives and if that takes them to the otherside of the world I will be the first person encouraging them and wishing them well.

She still lives in her own accommodation and for the time being she is monitored by a CPN in the community. I did mention sheltered housing at some point but she said I wanted to put her in a "home" confused

tb Tue 30-Oct-12 18:18:44

Sorry to hear of your problems with you not so 'd'm. Some of them can, unfortunately, be complete bitches.

On a practical front, I wonder if it would be possible for you to obtain a power of attorney over her affairs. Then, if you and the cpn deem it necessary, her house could be sold and she could be moved into sheltered housing. I think it would be worth posting in legal, and, depending on what reply you get, acting fairly quickly, as she would need to have sufficient mental capacity to be able to understand it to sign it.

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