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How do I find closure from emotional abuse when we have a child together?

(5 Posts)
superdeeduper Mon 29-Oct-12 13:41:26

It has taken me a long time to finally realise that the things my ex said and did to me are emotional abuse. I had no idea what gaslighting was until I read about it on mumsnet and it was a lightbulb moment. I have read so many posts with similar stories and wanted to ask you how I can best move on from this awful relationship.

Its been 10 years since we got together although 3 since we have officially split. Even that is laughable as he has managed to worm his way back in on several occassions and to my shame, I have let him. I am so angry at myself now for falling for his lies. His most recent stunt is coming round telling me how much he loves me, can only be with me etc for me to then see photos of him with his new girlfriend on fb (please dont slate me for the fb thing - I have since deleted him obviously). She is much younger than I am, blond hair, huge cleavage and no kids. Which is important probably as she will be able to pander to his every need.

What I need to know is how I can find closure from him when we share a child? After questioning him about the photos, he is obviously angry that I have caught him out but turned it on me, becoming so unpleasant towards me again that I have had to involve my mum at handovers when he has access to our child. He intimidates me, although never physically violent he has the ability to make me feel very small. I know this is through years of telling me things that I eventually believe it. My confidence is back to being almost zero despite having achieved a whole lot in the last 3 years of not being with him. I have passed my degree, about to land my dream job and thought I had really grown as a person. Only for him to have the ability to make me start doubting myself.

I have now had to go no contact except at handovers with my mum present and asked that he text me anything he needs to about our child. However, even with this he is managing to argue with me, deny he has said times etc and just general shitness. The realisation that he has no repsect for me and probably never has is horrible. I feel like such a mug for wasting so much of my time on this man. And of course I feel such a fool for believing he loved me. I think because I have never met anyone else, its been easy for him to flit in and out when it suited him. I have been keeping very dignified which is bloody hard when I want to punch his face in. He has also now taken to protray himself as the perfect dad and all round good guy. Who would believe me about the things he has done and is still doing to hurt me.

I have ordered the Lundy Bancroft hoping it will provide me with answers. I always thought it was because his upbringing wasnt the best that he was left with a kind of low level depression but honestly, I think he just takes great delight in hurting me, And I have let him.For the last time though

Please tell me how I can stop thinking about this. I have not slept for weeks now. I am driving myself crazy at the thought of him and this new girlfriend playing happy families with my daughter too. Why is he treating me with such contempt when I have done nothing wrong?

backtofront Mon 29-Oct-12 13:45:03

OP when you read Lundy's book you will understand why he treats you with contempt, it's a complete eye-opener and will be your second light-bulb moment.

Let's just say I can identify with you in many ways and I wish you the very best of luck!

NoToastWithoutKnickers Mon 29-Oct-12 13:50:46

Hi,
I'm not going to be able to say much that will help but I didn't want to read and run. I'm in a similar position. in fact I was just saying the other day how unfair it seems that although I'm not longer with him he's still controlling me. DD is 2.6 and has just started pre-school. I'm finding myself bending over backwards to keep him in the loop with her progress because if I failed to inform him of one single thing he'd use it against me. It's crazy that this is the situation.

Regarding handovers, I've stopped him coming to the house (old family home) to pick DD up because he would use the opportunity to abuse me. We now meet on neutral ground and generally keep things as brief as possible. We also have pre-arranged dates and times for every visit so there's very little discussion regarding what's going to happen unless one of us has reason to request something different. Doing it this way has made life so much easier.

He still gets to me though. He has his little gang of spies in my village and uses information to try and hurt me. It does. It makes me feel vulnerable but I just have to keep reminding myslef not to let him see that.

I really hope you manage to find a way of keeping him at arms length to minimise the harm. I'm sure (and I hope!) someone else will be along with some more practical advice soon.

superdeeduper Mon 29-Oct-12 16:57:55

Thanks for the quick replies. I feel like such an idiot and whilst my family and good friends know what's happened, I am trying to stop boring them with it. They have seen him hurt me so many times. It is a cyclical thing where he is extremely nice to then being an utter bastard to me.

I had prepared myself for years that he would meet someone and that it might feel weird. However, I wasnt prepared for it to happen just a week after he was in my bed professing to love only me. I keep telling myself I am free of him at last. The gaslighting, sulks, dirty looks. With his particularly negative personality traits such as his innate grumpiness, he would always say it was me who was like that, not him. I used to question myself constantly, thinking it must be me. So I know that I have escaped all that but why does it still hurt.

I have also realised that I have been having a relationship who is my fathers mirror image. I spent my childhood trying to change myself, trying to make things better thinking that my father would love me. Its pathetic that I have carried this on into adulthood. I have made such a mess of things. I have tried to hold onto this relationship too as its my second relationship in which I have had a child and I feel so much shame over this. Of course, he is painting himself in such a good light that people will probably think it is me.

I can stop this happening to my daughters?

superdeeduper Mon 29-Oct-12 16:58:44

Sorry this is all garbly and a bit long. Its so many years of shitness that I feel I could keep writing for days

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