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Sorry, may be TMI, but advice would be appreciated

(16 Posts)
aawcmon Mon 29-Oct-12 12:53:00

Bit of Background : my DH and I have been under a lot of stress lately, 2 young kids, stressful jobs and house move. Owing to this and the fact that i'm very shy in relation to all aspects of the bedroom (DH is first and only guy i ever slept with), we haven't had much action recently. When we have, i noticed the past couple of times that he is quite happy for himself to be satisfied and then falls asleep. At the weekend i decided to make an effort and try initiate sex (which does not happen a lot owing to my shyness)...he seemed very up for it (and surprised i guess) and he seemed to 'enjoy' himself. However, instead of any reciprocation, he just started on the full act itself without any 'warm up' on my part. I'm so annoyed (and frustrated), cos it made me feel just like a doll, with no needs of my own. Problem is, i'm so shy in areas like this, i have no idea how to broach this or what to say. I feel hurt and annoyed but worry that i'm just over reacting owing to recent stresses. He knows something is wrong, says i've been distant, but hasn't tried to find out what is wrong...Listen to me, you'd think i was some young girl rather than a woman in her thirties. Anyway, not sure what i expect, but felt good just getting this off my chest, and apologies if too much information.

NirvanahCrane Mon 29-Oct-12 12:58:00

Have a glass of wine, take a deep breath and tell him what you have just told us.

ErikNorseman Mon 29-Oct-12 13:10:44

Is he inexperienced too? I'm going to be kind and assume he is unaware of the need to warm a woman up, rather than assuming he's a selfish twat who cares nothing for his wife's pleasure.
Could you write it down in a nice, non critical way, if you can't talk face to face about it? It needs to be addressed, what you are having there is not a sex life sad

MyDonkeysAZombie Mon 29-Oct-12 13:45:50

People here are unshockable, don't be embarrassed. Easier to broach this here than in real life sometimes. Just don't give any specific identifying details to accidentally out yourself. Besides, it is all anonymous, you can change your nickname here and post about other stuff and nobody will know. Any advice you decide to follow up, if DH asks hat brought this on, you can always truthfully say, you read up on it.

CailinDana Mon 29-Oct-12 13:50:01

Was he always like this, or is it a new thing? Do you think that because of the infrequency of sex he's having trouble controlling his orgasm? Not that that's an excuse to be so inconsiderate.

Difficult as it is, you need to talk to him about it. Things will only get much worse if you continue to feel this way because sex will eventually lose all its appeal for you.

QueenieLovesEels Mon 29-Oct-12 14:53:50

I would be blunt. Tell him you miss fully enjoying sex and your last experiences with him have been lacking.

If he doesn't listen leave him high and dry and stop when he is close.

He won't want a repeat.

CogitoEerilySpooky Mon 29-Oct-12 15:21:22

"I feel hurt and annoyed but worry that i'm just over reacting owing to recent stresses. "

You mention 'stress' quite a lot in your post and it isn't uncommon for some people to use sex as stress-relief. No problem if it's masturbation. No problem if it's in the form of a loving sexual encounter where everyone goes away happy and relaxed. BIG problem if one person ends up feeling like a blow-up doll. You are not there to be used, you are there to be loved.

It's always OK to tell a sexual partner -at any stage before, during or after - that you are not happy with the way things are going, just the same as it's OK to say you're enjoying it. 'Started on the full act itself' sounds like he leaped on top of you without warning. If you weren't ready you would have been well within your rights to call a halt at that point. Don't let shyness mean you think you have to put up with anything.

aawcmon Mon 29-Oct-12 15:42:06

Hi...Many thanks for all your replies. To answer some questions, no, he wasn't always like this, just seems to be a recent thing (maybe over the past few months). I know that if i could just get rid of this communication issue (i.e., would rather cut out my tongue than have a sex discussion) then i could open up and discuss things and then it maybe wouldn't seem as bad. However, it's not going to get better by bottling it up, so i guess i have to act my age and have the discussion...good to know that people don't think i'm being over sensitive though, i thank you for that.

CailinDana Mon 29-Oct-12 15:42:57

What makes you so shy about talking about it?

aawcmon Mon 29-Oct-12 15:46:17

I was brought up in a household that wasn't very open about things like sex, as a result even saying the word makes me blush...i think that, and not having any kind of experience before husband makes it more difficult.

CailinDana Mon 29-Oct-12 15:49:03

To be fair, I think most people have some level of shyness around talking about sex, it's such a sensitive topic and it's so hard to talk about it without sounding either a bit...anatomical and clinical, or just plain porno!

Would it be easier for you to write down what you want to say, and either give it directly to him or use it as a script?

aawcmon Mon 29-Oct-12 15:54:38

i was thinking an email, but was worried about the impersonal aspect of that...maybe keep that as plan B i think.

CailinDana Mon 29-Oct-12 15:58:52

Write the email anyway, it'll help you get your thoughts in order.

brrbrrwinteriscoming Wed 31-Oct-12 07:35:31

perhaps he got it wrong and thought that you were 'ready' and wet because you initiated the sex? as you say you have never done that before, so perhaps he just thought you were really horny and ready to go!

I am very open and un-shy when it comes to talking about sex, what i want and where i want it! so i would have had no problem saying ' oi hang on! what about some warm up time for me!!' but as you are so shy i think am email would be fine. i would just say that you are emailing because you are shy and would just end up giggling talking face to face?

it might even be the start of a free and easy way to talk open and honestly between each other with out getting shy and embarrassed!

annalena Wed 31-Oct-12 10:29:35

An alternative to emailing him:

how about talking about it when you're both lying in bed at night. With the lights out, you may feel less awkward discussing this..

Thistledew Wed 31-Oct-12 10:40:29

You might find it easier to say "I really like it when you do xyz" rather than "you don't do xyz anymore".

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