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divorced in love with separated

(30 Posts)
friendlyanimal Mon 29-Oct-12 06:46:25

Having come through a divorce and feeling lonely and in need of male companionship, I went on a dating website. I met a man who really appealed to me, we have spent a lot of time together, have got emotionally and physically very close and intimate. He has brought me such happiness and joy. We have been close for just over 2 months. We have wonderful weekends together and usually see eachother at least once during the week. He has met my two grown up daughters (they do not live with me) and they like him a lot and are really relaced with him. I have met his relatives who all say how compatible we are. To be honest, I am in love with him.....BUT (big but) from the start of the relationship he was completely honest that he is separated. He and his wife agreed to a "separate but together" relationship for the sake of the children; she lived in the family home with the children, he lived elsewhere and came for family events, Sundays etc. This situation existed for 10 years while the children (now 19 and 25) were growing up. The wife found someone else 5 years ago at which point she moved out of the marital home (at a key point in their dds lives) and my guy moved back in. He loves his kids very much and is very supportive of them. He told me his wife says she wants a divorce and that she wants to move back in to the family house with her new partner. She tried to negotiate regarding finances but what she offered did not sound at all fair or realistic. The man I love says he has been advised to wait for her to initiate the divorce. He remains in residence at the house partly to stake his claim to the property and partly as he does not want to abandon his elder daughter (yes she is 25 but still a student and quite:immature dependant). Yesterday we had a huge blow up where I almost ended the relationship. I was (and continue to be) unhappy at the lack of progress (this will sound brutal) towards divorce and division of assets. My motivation is mostly because I would like our relationship to be a full cohabiting partnership and partly because I am not comfortable being with a man who is officially still married. He said he wants the divorce and would much rather be out of the house, which he described as a prison, but he seems adamant about taking a passive stance in the divorce and is not prepared to rush things. He is very "laid back" and seems able to let things take their course without getting too upset (alrhough he has broken down in tears when we talked seriously) I am a very anxious type and tend to worry and over think things. I am also rather impetuous (hence both my marriage and my divorce :-( ) Am I over thinking? Am i being impatient? I really don't want to give up on him because I love him.

OpheliaPayneAgain Mon 29-Oct-12 06:48:03

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1599020-Unknown

here is your original thread.

OpheliaPayneAgain Mon 29-Oct-12 06:54:53

Your last thread implied you had been with him 10-15 years, not 2 months.

in which case I revise my previous advice - 2 months - you have no call whatsoever to dictate his divorce. You aren't in a position to. This is a fledgling relationship. He and his wife have a life time of history which he is not going to shelve because you demand it.

You want a full cohabiting partnership after 2 months? I'm not sure about impetuous, you sound needy and a bit grasping regarding his assets.

friendlyanimal Mon 29-Oct-12 07:07:05

I don't give a d*mn about his assets, thats jst what he worries about... The relationship with his wife is quite nasty and he expresses no sentiment for her. I really hope we can make it work as we are so good together. Thanks anyway for your input.

friendlyanimal Mon 29-Oct-12 07:37:35

Sorry I seem to be on here twice and can't seem to delete the other one!

FlatCapAndAWhippet Mon 29-Oct-12 07:43:36

You've been seeing him two months, I'd be running for the hills if I were him.

You sound incredibly insecure.

Sorry....

SirSugar Mon 29-Oct-12 07:46:07

You are actually running three threads now, but one with different title

FlatCapAndAWhippet Mon 29-Oct-12 07:53:52

That sounds unkind, I dont mean to be.

mumblechum1 Mon 29-Oct-12 07:57:18

When you've been together for a year or more, maybe it would be ok for you to stick your oar in to his relationship with his estranged wife, but after 2 months? No.

friendlyanimal Mon 29-Oct-12 08:05:59

Yeah, fair point, flatcapandwhippet, but in truth he's been driving this thing forward just as fast as I have.....except for the bit with his wife, home and kids!

friendlyanimal Mon 29-Oct-12 08:07:17

Thanks, mumblechum1.... Yeah, problem is, what if nothing has changed after a year....?

FlatCapAndAWhippet Mon 29-Oct-12 08:24:47

If the situation remains the same, I would imagine a year to be a much better time to think things over.

You are in the very first stages of a relationship, new, exciting, cant keep your hands off each other...all that stuff. I'm sure he has been driving things, he will have all the "new" feelings too.

See how it all transpires and try and enjoy it, rather than laying down the law.

Just one thought, at the moment I would personally not engage too much in the talk of the demon of the ex wife.

OhEmGee25 Mon 29-Oct-12 08:50:35

2 months?! Sorry but come on. Do you even know his middle name yet?!

kinkyfuckery Mon 29-Oct-12 10:18:04

You've known him five minutes. His wife, marriage, family home and assets are nothing to do with you.

waltermittymissus Mon 29-Oct-12 10:23:51

Jesus you're with him 2 months? Calm down. Seriously.

You can't demand that he make life changing decisions when you're with him a wet weekend.

If I were his friend I'd probably be telling him to bin you! Sorry.

friendlyanimal Mon 29-Oct-12 12:26:16

Thanks, guys, great advice! You've put things in perspective for me. I must try to cool it. Mumsnet is great. Thank you

Countingfriends Mon 29-Oct-12 17:37:23

I'm really confused because there was a post like this months ago from a poster with 2 young daughters- and that poster had been with the man for some time. There was the same dilemma about him selling a family home and putting it off blah blah....

Was it you?

If you have really been with this man for 8 weeks and you are demanding a joint home for you and your children you are bonkers. Sorry. Give him- and you- a chance.

WhoNickedMyName Mon 29-Oct-12 18:11:02

2 months??

He lives in the family home hmm

And you believe that he and his wife are separated?

Countingfriends Mon 29-Oct-12 18:31:16

I am sure this post has come up before- then, the OP said the man lived in France, but wanted to come back home but had a 25 yr old daughter, who was dependent on him. He had a business but wanted to be back in the uk..

Maybe it's not the same person but there are certain similar themes.

OP if this couple have lived apart for 5 years, his wife has a new partner and they are living eslewhere as a couple, then what is stopping him divorcing her? He can do that after 5 years apart with or without her agreement.

I don't beleive he has been advised to go back into the home and she must divorce him. After 5 years it is irrelevant who petitions and his children are now adults so their need for a home does not come into the equation. A lawyer would suggest a 50-50 split of assets with a clean break.

Either you are being economical with the truth here- or this man is because it doesn't stack up.

izzyizin Mon 29-Oct-12 18:33:27

You've known this man for only two months and have met his relatives who all say how compatible we are. Are you all resident in the same maximum security care facility?

Countingfriends Mon 29-Oct-12 18:34:39

Ouch but grin

Viviennemary Mon 29-Oct-12 18:38:11

If you've only known him two months, it is a bit ridiculous to be calling the shots as to what he should be doing about his property. Do you have your own property or not. It doesn't really make sense about him keeping the family home because of his daughter who is now 25.

Apocalypto Mon 29-Oct-12 19:27:57

he has been advised to wait for her to initiate the divorce. He remains in residence at the house partly to stake his claim to the property and partly as he does not want to abandon his elder daughter

I bet he says that to all the girls.

He's got you sussed.

Countingfriends Mon 29-Oct-12 20:40:08

OP are you able to come back and say if it was you who posted this some time ago- unless it's the same man/ different woman confused

friendlyanimal Tue 30-Oct-12 02:06:05

It was not me who posted before. As I said, this has been going on for just over two months and only really came to a head this weekend. I may sound naiive but I believe him when he says he has not looked around for anyone else until now so I don't believe that any previous posts were put up by someone else about him. He lives in England and I believe he has always.

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