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(10 Posts)
friendlyanimal Mon 29-Oct-12 06:19:20

Having come through a divorce and feeling lonely and in need of male companionship, I went on a dating website. I met a man who really appealed to me, we have spent a lot of time together, have got emotionally and physically very close and intimate. He has brought me such happiness and joy. But (big but) from the start of the relationship he was completely honest that he is separated. He and his wife agreed to a "separate but together" relationship for the sake of the children; she lived in the family home with the children, he lived elsewhere and came for family events, Sundays etc. This situation existed for 10 years while the children (now 19 and 25) were growing up. The wife found someone else 5 years ago at which point she moved out of the marital home and my guy moved back in. He loves his kids very much and is very supportive of them. He told me his wife says she wants a divorce and that she wants to move back in to the family house with her new partner. She tried to negotiate regaeding finances but what she offered did not sound very fair. The man I love says he has been advised to wait for her to initiate the divorce. He remains in residence at the house partly to stake his claim and partly as he does not want to abandon his elder daughter (yes she is 25 but still a student and quite:immature dependant). Yesterday we had a huge blow up where I almost ended the relationship. I was (and continue to be) unhappy at the lack.of progress (this will sound brutal) towards divorce and division of assets) He said he wants the divorce and would much rather be out of the house, which he described as a prison, but he seems adamant about taking a passive stance in the divorce and is not prepared to rush things.

Numberlock Mon 29-Oct-12 06:24:55

How long have you been dating? This would be a deal breaker for me and I wouldn't even have gone on the first date but that's just me.

OpheliaPayneAgain Mon 29-Oct-12 06:28:15

Why would he and his wife get divorced? There is no reason. They have an amicable relationship, no financial problems yet both are free to have other relationships without any committment. Perfect world for both of them I'm afraid.

Do you have children with this man? Because if you don't and you wanted them, you're childbearing years are behind you now. You have no stability, no committment, nothing. So unless you made provision for your own financial future, don't expect to be sharing his.

Sorry that is harsh, but I've seen this before.

CogitoEerilySpooky Mon 29-Oct-12 06:29:36

There's baggage and there's baggage. This guy sounds like he's hooked up to one of those airport transporters he's got so much of the stuff. I'd tell him to get back in touch if/when he gets it sorted out and start looking for someone new.

friendlyanimal Mon 29-Oct-12 07:00:02

Yeah, I guess you're right. When we started chatting on line it just didnt start that seriously though. Its so hard as I have really fallen for him. I am not wanting anymore children and I am financially secure and independant. I was thinking of giving it a couple more months, enjoy the relationship and try to have some fun. Maybe give him a chance....no?

CogitoEerilySpooky Mon 29-Oct-12 07:24:21

If this situation has limped on for 10 years, no-one is any haste to progress, and a 25 year old woman is regarded as a dependent, I can't see that a couple of months will make much material difference to anything. If you've really fallen for him it's too late to treat it as a casual relationship for fun. If it was just for fun you could date but look out for a replacement at the same time. If you've fallen for him, the longer you drag it out and the more you invest in this man the more hurt you'll be when nothing changes.

friendlyanimal Mon 29-Oct-12 07:30:04

Yeah, when you put it like that, it sounds crazy. Its in his character to hang in there for the sake of the dds for 10 years. I guess his wife changed things,a bit when she found someone new, but my love stayed at home with dds for the past few years cos dd no 2 was doing GCSES, A levels etc. She started uni this Autumn and maybe that has changed things a bit. I can't explain the relationship, it feels like something really special but maybe I'm jst naiive or needy or something?

friendlyanimal Mon 29-Oct-12 07:38:23

Sorry I seem to be on here twice,and can't seem to delete!

CogitoEerilySpooky Mon 29-Oct-12 07:40:15

I'm sure it is special which is why you're trying to ignore all the attendant crap, making allowances/excuses for him and rationalise the situation in an optimistic way. You can presumably see how it would be perfect if it wasn't for... the ex, the kids, the lack of progress with the divorce and the other things that you could do without. All totally normal. But, as you said originally, you're not a patient person and he seems to move at glacial speed.

So the decision you're facing is whether to discover some patience and hope that a few years down the track, he's got rid of all the baggage and you can be a couple.... or whether to give it up as a bad job because you suspect it'll never change.... or accepting that you'll have a repeat performance of the huge blow up when you get fed up again.... or (and this would be the one that bothered me).... that he's 'just not that into you' and all the unresolved stuff about the wife, kids and house etc. are a convenient way of keeping you at arms' length.

friendlyanimal Mon 29-Oct-12 07:50:16

Hmm, yes. All good points, thank you. I don't think I can wait a few years! Nevertheless, I think I'm going to break the habit of a lifetime and try to find the patience to wait till after Christmas. Maybe by then he will have decided to act, or she will have taken action.....and maybe not! i know you're right about me making excuses, but I feel it's too good a relationship to just jack it in after such a short time. Hope I'm right...

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